The Work

 What is the work? My innate response is to work toward betterment and good each day. What I was taught, to be a good steward of the earth. This message resonates with me, and always has or I wouldn't do it. What does this mean to me? To be the best I can be. What does it mean to save myself? Doing the work. What is the work? 

I'm internally motivated. I have had very unpleasant experiences of being externally motivated. They were never rewarded and did not serve me. I can remember being a very loving child and being pushed away. I was neglected, constantly seeking external validation. I didn't know what it was to seek answers from totally within. I was only observing the space I was brought into and knew it wasn't resonating with me. I persevered, struggling to not loose myself. To stay true to the higher purpose I knew was within me. When my light did shine too bright, it was swiftly knocked over. This was a painful realization that outside validation would never come. Why seek it? Nothing positive was coming from it. I had to work on me. How would I continuously do the work on me without letting the outside world snuff me? 

Isolation feels normal to me. My neglect was more than obvious to everyone around me. These family secrets we all hide for fear of shame. Every time I revealed it, I got shamed for speaking my truth. Yet was being told repeatedly to "speak my truth." My truth wasn't theirs, that was the problem. It still isn't. I hold so much gratitude towards my inner resilience and strength. Do I equate that to be part of something bigger and higher? Yes. I believe I am part of the good. I want to be part of the good. I am oriented towards good. I strive for good for myself, not external validation. 

My inner shadow self that struggles with animosity wants to lash out at anyone who wants to take my inner peace away. It's not even about doing the "homework." It's about doing the work. My shadow side wants to spice up the phrase with a bit more gusto, "Do the fucking self work." I have no space for any person not willing to do this. Why? Because anyone not in search of their own inner peace will try to take yours. This has to be when "all bets are off." Self work can't be spoon fed to the person by another. You're not a baby anymore, pick up the goddamn spoon and feed yourself. There are too many tools available now for the work not to be done. How does one start to do the work? How would I start to do the work?

I needed a map, a guide and some understanding. I set off on my journey of healing after realizing no one was coming to save me from all the victimhood I had buried myself in. I was depleted while trying to light the way for others. My goodness was taken advantage of to my own detriment. This depletion is the internal sign. I knew I needed isolation. I needed time to lick my wounds, rest, replenish and start to find my way again. Decades of doing for others over myself, trying to prove my love through giving all of me away and denying my internal pain didn't work. Medications and therapy, self help and inner exploration got me further. I needed space, inner space. 

My break from the world came during the pandemic. We still are grappling with lingering repercussions of the entire world being forced into isolation. It was my reprieve. It was that forced external release I was having a difficult time severing myself of. The universe did it for me. It created the space I needed and longed for. It's been four years since I started this deep inner exploration. It has been life changing, and life saving. There is no going back for me, for us, for the world. The genie is out of the bottle.

The genius of self is held with the brain, the heart, the something. To tap into that inner genius is divine. When I feel "In-Spirit" and connected, all is right in the world. It is a state of bliss. My form is the channel for this blissful energy to creation and connection. It's like letting your own personal genie out of the bottle. Tapping into your divine genius while in this density of experience and creation. I feel like I get it and want to deepen my understanding and connection. I had become resentful anytime I was pulled away. When I recognized what was pulling me away that tapped into the animosity, I saw a repeating pattern that was leading toward disintegration. I would crash and burn. I started creating more of a healing atmosphere to recover quicker. I began to identify the turbulence. 

Patterns, cycles, programming. My want to explore the archetypal nature deepens when I think about this. These things can be broken. Recognizing, and observing the cycle, then removing what is destructive and not serving the overall good. Cycles on Earth are marked by the bodies in the heaven. Our Earth, is us. Individually, we are each a program, made up of the larger collective platform. My understanding deepened greatly with advancements of technology. It helped me identify all these things. It in an incredible tool for development. The use of the tool can be used for betterment. Or the abuse of the tool can be used for destruction. I have witnessed the paradigm shift. The Enlightenment, the Renaissance, the times of change that fascinate me. I'm here, I am observing this shift. 

The 80s were an interesting time in retrospect. I was born in 1973, so this would have been "pre-teen" years. I was pretty heavily damaged by this time and my world was starting to reflect it to me. But, there was inspiration in books, in the light around me, in this larger presence that made the chatter of world matter less. I remember the moment I was introduced to life changing technology. It was during this time when computers were being introduced to schools. I was in elementary school. I remember the plastic chairs and when it was my turn to "get on" the computer. Disks were big and "floppy" then. The black screen communicated with me. When DOS: appeared, we could enter codes to "run" to open programs. I had on a piece of paper my codes to enter to RUN a program. 

It wasn't until the 2000's that I would own my personal computer. I remember the delight still of feeling endless opportunities of inspiration. I was living in Eureka Springs with Mike. We had just both moved there after my refusal to return to Little Rock. I wanted to walk away then, and did. I would pick back up the pain cycles through being drawn in by family and my past. "You can't just run away from your problems" was the shame chant. I needed enough distance to make the shame obsolete. And in that moment, in our new space, in my new office, on my new personal computer I felt complete excitement. 

We had moved into a little condo on Pivot Rock Road. Our back wooden deck hung at least ten feet over the back wooded area. I was in fairyland. The blooming trees sprinkled their petals onto the sweet warm breeze. I had candles burning that filled the air with a fresh spa smell. I was on a site that provided clipart to download to create your own designs and I was saving the most beautiful images. Pink roses and butterflies filled the smaller more compact disks. I think they didn't even hold a hundred megabytes. I had a case holding disks, categorized by art and tutorial images. For the first time I could also research and buy clay and craft products online. This was the first time in my life that I felt safe and hopeful. Information poured into my life then. I was receptive and on a path of growth. 

I wouldn't feel that connection again for a decade. So much in my life had changed. I had moved, kicking and screaming, to Bentonville. I had to learn to drive because there wasn't public transportation and Mike was working a lot. By this time I was on a big computer at the local community college. This was when I was introduced to the Mac platform and graphic manipulation programs. I could create anything I wanted now. I could meticulously and obsessively build anything I wanted through vector points. And I did, and won an award for it. It also opened doors to the commercial design world for me. 

My professional resume is interesting. I got to do many of the things I had always wanted to, but not to great success. I was not prepared emotionally to handle a lot of the situations I found myself in. I started therapy and found myself back on meds. This was something I was running from in Little Rock and was free of in Eureka. This was society and I still wasn't fitting in. My inner light always flickers to show me the way. What is going on here? I was absorbed in a material world, with no grounding techniques, and a deep feeling of disconnection. The pain of the upcoming decade, brought me to my knees. And then came the shift internally in 2020.