Energy is Time

 I've been asking myself, repeatedly, "What do you want from this experience?" What is the feeling I am seeking to connect with and why is it so important? Because everything here is energy. And where I choose to express my energy makes up my time here that creates the experience. Where do I want to put my energy? I have recognized it isn't in the things that have been crammed down my throat my entire life. I don't want to put any energy into my family. Over and over we are brainwashed that it is the most important thing. It's never been for me. Neither have relationships. I've been told again and again that this is due to trauma. Nature, nurture, snature snurture. Whatever. I didn't dictate those experiences as a child. Once I was able to begin to dictate my experiences, I did. With severe consequence. Now, I have eliminated most of that, or so I thought.

These feelings bubbling up came from one place: social media. Had I not saw a law firm looking for me people to add on to the case of my psychiatrist, I wouldn't have fallen down this rabbit hole. I was "triggered" by a law firm add on social media. Which I know to stay off of for these reasons. But, when I need to see where I need some healing, off I go. Bam! Hmmm... I did not realize he was married to someone I went to school with. Now, ALL of the things that the therapist was "hinting" at and trying to reveal to me started aligning. Off down a dark adventure I went. I battled feeling betrayed, used, discarded, disregarded, unseen, unheard, diminished = dirt poor white trash with mental issues and drug abuse. Get where I am going with this? All those unworthy, untrusting feelings bubbled up and over. That is an episode for the series. 

The series. Why no physical work there? Things have been marinating because PLOT TWIST! I am still working this out. 

Graphic Design work. I have a couple of projects I am actually excited to work on. I could immerse myself if I allowed myself. Why am I holding back the energy from there? What has been pulling me?

Sewing. Sewing is challenging for me. In a good way. It frustrates me, and my mind likes to solve those problems. I spent some time focusing on that. Which led me to a search for patterns and fabrics. It ignited my love for textiles.

Designing. I am inspired by color, texture, scent, temperature - I see it deeply. It almost baffles me when people can't see the intricate work in tree bark, or a flower and not be mesmerized. Design has been the greatest part of me. My ability to create. I have never really called myself an artist. I prefer designer. I would rather just call myself a creative. A creative longing to express her experience and existence in appreciation and love. 

Writing. I absolutely want to write my memoirs. I want to tie them into my series. Which still has no name. I am going to start referring to it as, "My Experience." I feel like with blogging, and journaling, I am active with my writing.

Music. I still want to create. That is encompassed within my tech issues. I need tool upgrades. I feel like I am the Rocinante ship in The Expanse series. I'm the captain, without a crew. My ship gets me there, but damn, it takes some work.

Sculpting. I have actually been longing to sculpt. I want to cut down my nails and dig into some clay. Do I have clay? 

What else, what else? SO many projects, all around me. It isn't a lack of something to do, it is an abundance. Where do I want to put my energy? 

Videography. Yes. What? I like scenes, vignettes - moments. It includes all the things listed above. I just can't decide what story to tell. Not from lack, but from abundance. What does my heart feel? What does it want to express? 

I think I will go explore that. It has to be more fruitful than measuring every area of my body, trying to create a pattern. That challenge is still burning.