Saturday, May 2, 2020

"It's a New Dawn

A new day, and a new life for me"
And I am feeling good. I wiped the slate clean. And am wiping the slate clean in my life. And I got to express how awesome it feels. There is a wonderful realization that comes after tremendously difficult periods. It is that blue sky and sun breaking through the dark stormy clouds where the fear the winds would wipe everything away. When you realize you are fine with that, that is when the peace comes. And I am very willing now to walk away from it all. That is definitely an invitation and a threat. It is more like give me one reason, one reason to walk away and I will take it. Time for "them" to walk on eggshells around me.

"Them" - who is them? It is the collective in our lives. And when I refer to them, I am referring to friends, family, people and any relationship I have towards a person, thing or place. It is all encompassing of what I am no longer willing to give my energy to. Typically when I say them, my therapist will ask me to clarify. And I had been reluctant to say, basically every person, and situation in my life.

I have felt very used, abused, taken advantage of, betrayed and walked on most of my life because of my devotion to trying to be service to others and live and walk in peace. I know not everyone is like that. In fact, the vast majority is not like this. They look for people like me to use, manipulate, take advantage, throw under the bus and use, basically to their advantage. Knowing my heart was kind. They turned it to stone towards them. And I feel relief and blessed because of it.

I had been loosing myself over the years. It has been a tug of war of true desires and what is socially acceptable. This constant fear of being ostracized, misunderstood and pushed away. I realized, with great happiness, that this is where I would whether be. Not with the ones who I have to not be myself around. So it feels really good to just start cutting chords and walking away. Being true to myself means more to me than any of it now.

Being true to myself has been a life long battle. As a child, I received a gift from a friend of my mother. It was a ceramic duck she actually sculpted, it opened up and held treasures. But inside were these beautiful curls of letters I couldn't read, I was too young. I was actually too young to understand it most of my life. The thick black calligraphy writing swam in the whiteness so beautifully. As a child, I admired the art of it. As an adult, I understand the art of it.

On the outside it was a yellow duck. Simple enough to hold my trinkets in. On the inside she had written, "To thine own self be true" - and this has been a life long quest for me. And yesterday, a wave passed over me. A vibration ran through my body, almost orgasmic. I have never in my life been able to stand in one spot and have a full body orgasm from vibration running through my body. And I realized that this can be done without sex. And I have now realized I can probably now pass The Great Rite with sacredness and of my choosing.

After that vibrational experiences I realized the internal struggle that I have been having regarding what I was taught, what others believe - or NEED me to believe wasn't resonating with my true self. And this is something I am not sure many people will understand. But, I am finally to the point where I don't need them to.

So what is my truth? This is my new journey. To truly get in touch with what deeply resonates to me as truth. Re-evaluating everything and cleaning the slate and moving forward with this new understanding and feelings of freedom. As my focus shifts and I continue to transition, I feel exhilarated and I hope to not loose this feeling. This feeling of devoting my energy to finding my truth. And shedding this old self.

"Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River running free
You know how I feel
Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel"