So It Begins, Again.

 I was fully intending to carve out some time each week to blog. But, I usually just end up ranting on Facebook and making ridiculous videos on TikTok. I was gifted some insight, however, this afternoon. Enough of an insight that I felt was worthy enough to figure out my password to log into my blog. 

I unintentionally insulted someone today due to my rash reaction. Completely and totally my fault. It is an issue I have been devoting a lot of time to. Responding differently to situations. I mentally began drilling down deep to figure out why I responded this way? Why so rash? Irrational actually. And I realized I was holding my breath. Anxiety was taking over me, and it would go downhill from there. It is at this time that I usually medicate so my anxiety doesn't get so out of control that it tenses up all my muscles and I have a dystonia flare up and am down for a week. Yep, it happens. 

I realized it is Etsy, where I have made a living for the past ten years. My business has pretty much tanked this year since what I do is party invitations. But, it has been the years of being attacked and dealing with difficult people online that had been causing me a lot of issues. I have been very aware of these issues. As have many people around me. But, I kept asking why? What about this doing this? It's because I never know what to expect.

The only situation I can relate this feeling to is this. A relationship with an abusive narcissistic alcoholic. You believe there is no way out, it may be broken but it is still working, till it isn't. Will today be the day the abuser flips out? Will it be a good day? How much confrontation will I have to deal with? How much energy can I physically alot to dealing with this. Now that is pretty fucking bad. 

I just had a long conversation with a friend, just a couple of days ago, on this very topic: our relationships. Not to people, but to everything around us. We have relationships with our jobs, with friends, with therapists, with whomever, so the context is very broad. We have relationships to habits, drugs, emotions, etc. But, in my case here, it is regarding my relationship with "my job." My business I started a decade ago that has supported me up until this year. I had my irritations with it, I knew I was getting burned out and very stagnant. I felt this way in a lot of areas in my life though. I assumed it was just general depression. 

I have started putting other irons in the fire to remedy this relationship woes I have with my business. It just wasn't until this afternoon however, that I realized that it is toxic relationship. I never know if today will be the day I get berated, harassed, deal with people just being bat shit crazy over a font. It reminded me of past relationships where the ups and downs of moods and abuse and the constant unknowing and living in fear or walking on eggshells just damn near killed me. 

And as I dug a little deeper into this emotional scarring I came back around to medication for this. I actually have a PTSD diagnosis. And I am on medical cannabis. It is unfortunate I wiped out my blog prior to this one, there was a lot on that topic. But, I actually scrubbed a lot of my old blog because of that very thing. And here it is, yet again, resurfacing. 

Unresolved issues will always resurface. And that is the NOWPOINT. 

Dropping the mouse and not even doing a grammar/spell check. Because I am moving on. 

October 2020 - It Begins

 Okay, okay, I am getting off my ass and doing this. I am writing again, and going to try to hold myself accountable and moving forward with my YouTube channel. 

Many times over in my life, I have stated, "I have never felt happiness to the depths of which I have felt sorrow." And that is a deep, cold hurt to carry over time. The insanity of it however, is that a switch was flipped at a pivotal point. Synchronicity, free will and sacred contracts started this bizarre dance.  This year, the worst in history, has been THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE. And I have been terrified to say it. Yes, bad things have happened and are still happening. We could lose everything. The chances of me dying are the highest they have ever been. Yet, within all this chaos, I found peace. I felt release. And I have honestly been afraid to reveal that for fear that the bitter would sabotage it. I had dealt with so many people lashing out at me, punishing me, abusing me, manipulating me, that I just basically got "turned off"  by humans. By March I was so cynical of mankind I actually thought briefly, we all deserve this for what we have done to the animals and this planet. 

When I started using cannabis medicinally, it changed my life. I felt pure joy for the first time in my life. All the background noise, voices and worries fall away and I communicate directly with spirit. And I get the downloads easier and quicker. It has been amazing. Days I have sat outside, sleeping under trees, meditating, laughing and feeling genuine joy has been so foreign to me have such a trauma filled life. But, yesterday I gained a very deep understanding about laughter and pure joy. 

Laughter is PURE joy. I believe if we all laughed at the same time all around the world, would it raise the world vibration so high it would shake the moon. I started thinking about laughter, and joy and where it comes from. And it comes from different places for different people. I am a bit odd so I have a dark sense of humor. I am hard to take seriously often because I am such a joker, such a comedian. And I realized in that moment that many comedians come from very dark backgrounds. We return, again, to the question of adversity bringing awareness and consciousness. Another time for that conversation, however. My main thought about comedians and why they seek to make others laugh. We want that for the world. We have been in the darkest of places.  And I thought about prayer, and how often when we pray, it is riddles in fear. Then I realized something even greater.

It's one of those things that you don't get until you "get." The evolving phrases we hear over and over in our lives, but say them from habit. We repeat what we are taught. But, prayer is asking for stating the problem, meditation is receiving the answer. I never "got it" until that moment. My big aha!

Abused and traumatized people have a lot to overcome. And so much dictates the early circumstances. Once awareness comes, typically we all go down the self growth path. We tried religion (every religion) and move through this journey of awareness. Yesterday, my aha moment and prayer it was riddled in fear, and if not followed up by meditation - to speak today's tongue -I felt that shit. But laughter, that is pure joy. And that is what we want for the world. How we have learned to navigate through life. Laughter is the best medicine. And you don't get such a simple phrase until you get it. And I get it now. 

And those of us that "know", know this; once a realization has come, we will manifest a circumstance to test it. And that thought scared me. Because spiritual journeys are not for the weak. Just so you know. 

*My disclaimer: these are my notes, they will be edited at a later date. You are privy to my personal journal going forward. 

Being Grateful

Baby Nola (my youngest grand-daughter) is in the ER tonight, she is being hospitalized. They are not sure what is wrong yet. The stress and anxiety from that has all our blood pressure raised this evening. But, something my daughter and I started thinking and talking about on her drive to the is hospital is something we keep saying. We all say it, we constantly talk about how bad 2020 is. And we keep affirming it, over and over. We all keep saying it over and over. Memes say it, we laugh, but deep down we have to laugh to get us through. It was like an aha! moment. The whole world is affirming daily, hourly, how bad it is. We really need to make a conscious shift, to be more grateful. We can easily begin to affirm great changes that will be made. We are in the midst of a great shift. 

We need a united effort of gratitude. So I am going to begin doing this daily. Being grateful and trying to continue to bring beauty into the world. Listing the things I am grateful for. Whether I scribble them down, or create something to give thanks. I will verbally affirm it.  I am so grateful for my life. Everyone in it, even the ones I had to sever chords with. They taught me something and I grew. We had our time in the sun and our passing through each other's lives meant something to me. And even though I haven't reached out much to people lately, you have been on my mind and in my heart. I have just needed some time to work through some pretty heavy  issues. I am grateful I have pulled through them, because, believe me when I say, they almost took me down. But, they didn't. And I am grateful.

I am very grateful for so many things in my life. I am beyond grateful for all the talents I have been blessed with. I am grateful for my home, animals, It's Always Sunny, Schitt's Creek, cannabis, wine, rice pudding and breathing. 

Right now, I am sitting in my bed, using my nebulizer. Allergies are currently pretty bad and honestly, there are moments I feel like I am breathing glass. But, right now, I am still breathing and grateful. I am grateful I have a nebulizer.

Nola has an IV in her baby arm, but she is in good care. I am grateful she has a wonderful mother. I am grateful for my beautiful daughter and her parents. 

Yes, my business has dropped by 70% and my royalties have dwindled to nothing. But, it is still there and still, there is opportunity to be had. New things to learn and work towards. 

Above all, I am grateful for all the self growth and healing I have received this year. I am absolutely a changed person. I feel healed of so many things and will continue on that journey. 

I am going to make a conscious effort that every time I want to say "2020 has been horrible" to stop and be thankful for what it has brought me. I think globally if we all did this, it might help raise this vibration.  Just my thoughts for this evening as I try not to worry, and sit in gratitude and love. 

Cleaning out Closets

I have been working for some time now to get my website up and running and producing content for it. I've been creating so much content, that digitally on my gadgets, I was out of room. So, I just started deleting files. Very similar to how you just start grabbing old clothes out of the closet to donate them. Telling yourself not to think about it. Then in a flash, I realized what I had done.

I realized I had just deleted a ton of footage, media and pics I had been shooting for months. Content that I shouldn't have deleted. And first, it was pure panic. Heart dropping, stomach turning panic. Then, a weird kind of relief came over me. I stopped, watching everything before my eyes, digitally being wiped away. And in that moment I had a thought. I wondered if any single vibration of fear like this should would give any person a pause for thought. Something so bizarre to experience in our lifetimes, like none of our ancestors. Now this deserves deep inner exploration. And I did. I sat and thought and then channeled a poet or something. 

For it is there, in that space, that the unknown resides, and that the question has no answer. Destiny has not be chosen and it is that very moment when it comes. The deepest understanding of free will. And what consequence is. You see a flash of their passionate dance. Much like obligation flirts constantly with passion.

I sat in deep thought for a while after this. Over analzying myself. I felt oddly relieved I realized. It were as if the past were weighing me down. Like a tattered blanket with ripped, loose ends, tangled in roots and gnarled wood.  I needed to sever these vines and restraints I was enssnared in. It was a blanket of comfort, destroyed by an imagine illusion. The burdens of unfinished projects, lingering, constantly reminding me - all gone. Into absolute complete nothingness. Ghosts, begrudgingly saged from the darkest corners of your house, your mind. 

And finally, the realization that you just have to start all over. But, how strange. How quickly I had moved into immediate acceptance revealed a great deal to me. It revealed itself and then proved its lack of deep connection. It was that horrible thought that passes through everyone's mind. If you were to loose it all, would you be terrified or liberated? 

July 2020

I have been working very hard to change up my marketing and how I work online since Covid has swept the globe. It has knocked my business down by 75%. As the half year totals have rolled in, it has been disheartening. And I know my business is small compared to so many others who have lost everything. But, I am still breathing. And as long as I breathe, I will create. So here is what I have been working on.

Videos, intros and outros for marketing and online ads. New virtual designs as well as getting back into fine art, sculpting and back into my photography work. Lots more to come, but you can check out my progress on these sites.

My TikTok
My Instagram
My Facebook -  Which has now become more of a commercial page. I no longer accept friend requests here and you have to follow me publically there. I will post lots of images and projects I am working on there also.

And at long last, my website is FINALLY GOING UP! I still have a lot to work on by here it is so far: Cynthia Morshedi's Website

I have lots in the works as of now and staying pretty busy. I am hoping to start posting more tutorials here and updates as I move along with other projects I am currently working on.

More to come soon! So stay tuned!