Thursday, May 12, 2022

The Blame Games

 Day three in the first heat of the year without AC. I went from being okay last week to needing a therapy appointment in order to navigate my feelings, because I am about to explode. Once again I feel like being nice only gets you so far with majority of people. They push and poke until you come at them, then scream, "Oh woe is me, the victim of your anger." So let me run to therapy and drugs in order to deal with you in the manner that best suits all your bad choices. This is the core of what is making me angry. The fact that I am pushed to this point and then blamed for loosing my temper. As the lack of responsibility and accountability on most people's part, it is becoming disgustingly obvious to me that I am not the total problem here. How can I fix myself so that you don't look at yourself in any negative way and all your bad decisions will magically become good ones?

I'm am trying to refrain from stating the fucking obvious to people, because their feelings get hurt. Then I am the bad person for pointing it out. I'm frustrated at all the energy I am exerting to make my self "better" while other's just spin around in unaccountability looking for someone to blame. And I asked myself, am I projecting? Do I blame? Yes. I blame people for not taking the time to become aware of their actions and behavior. 

We get one go round here. We were born on a planet to parents we didn't choose. And as Don Miguel Ruiz points out, we didn't choose our meat sacks, our religion, our upbringing or even our names. We initially chose nothing about being here. By the time we are equipped enough to start making our own choices, are we really prepared? I didn't get the luxury of time when having to make choices for myself. I left home at 14 because of abuse. I lived on the streets, with friends, in abusive homes, in shelters and where ever until I got pregnant, and decided I would not continue down the path I saw all the women around me do. And I came against a lot of resistance. And a great deal of criticism. 

Whatever mode. I am taking my dead dog for a walk and am going to sit by the creeks and enjoy my best fucking life. 

Monday, May 9, 2022

Dismantling, Deconstructing, And Discontinuing

 Many years ago I had a dream about my biological father. It is the one and only dream I ever remember having about him. He was sailing a ship, and teaching me. He taught me about the waters and understanding the waves. The stars, the guides and the cycles he went on and on about. I have a regret about erasing the blog many years ago regarding the fine details of this dream. Now, I am left with symbols and a message, and perhaps that is all I truly needed. The ocean, the water, the flow has always been a huge symbol in my life. And how to navigate these waters without drowning was the message.

I recently gave solicited advise to a friend. If she didn't take some sort of control over her ship in this river, the current would take her where ever it wanted without regard to her. The problem was not knowing what direction to move her boat in. She had just been going with the flow, unconsciously. It is another thing to navigate waters and realize you can gain control and use the flow to your advantage, or change directions, or drop an anchor, or even get out of the fucking boat. 

I hadn't realized how much in my life this has actually come up. This boat, the water, navigating. Over the years I had found myself yelling "Get in the boat and fucking row, or get out!" Or, "Don't get in my boat and drill holes in the bottom!" And my favorite, "This ship has fucking sailed!" Water invades my dreams, my sub and unconscious mind and has been coming out of my moth. I had been complaining no one was listening to myself, because I WASN'T listening to myself. 

During this psych eval and months prior, I started becoming more aware of my actual physical. It has been an interesting dynamic to observe myself and question who is the observer? Then philosophy and psychology classes started whipping up like storms in my mind. I didn't want to focus on that, so I changed directions. I am observing now. And recently someone had told me, they see me, my self work and awareness. It has taken me a bit to digest that. I think that is the most amazing compliment I have ever received. I was mindlessly complaining about the dismantling of my personality. What was a personality? Rabbit holes abound on the shore I am floating by in my boat. Where did I want to stop and explore? I have the paddle in my hand, I can stop for a bit. 

I like to sit by the creeks here where I live. It hurts a bit now because I miss my dog. She was a water baby too. I feel her there though, and it soothes me at the same time. A mixing of sorrow and joy, by the flowing water. There are always stones calling to me. Hag stones or Odin stones, they do have different energies to me. Rocks, solid hard rocks that water has bored through. The pressure and the flow of water against something hard, soothes and smoothes it to the point where a circle of energy can flow through it. It amazes me. They are anchors, very symbolic anchors in my life. How beautifully poetic. 

I began to really pay attention to what I was saying, because I am so honest. I don't have that filter and it has caused issues. This is part of my personality that I felt a dismantling of. I am learning to temper my honesty. And physical responses. I feel like I came into this world backwards. And I am beginning to have questions more than what has been able to be gleaned through my limited perspective. I do have a lot of deconstructing to do. And again, this is something I am very aware of and was taught about the Goddess Shiva, of birth and destruction, the cycle. I have to become the phoenix, we all do. We all have to become our own superhero. And it fell on me like deep downloads that leave the mind spinning. Those are my societal waters, my own personal river. And the anchors put on my thinking as I was learning of the waters and going along with the flow. And then I had a flash to beavers and a dam and thought, how weird. Was it last year that I was coming home from the creeks and a beaver walked in front of my car and I thought, what the actual fuck. This is my rabbit hole thinking that inspires me. That is the creation, that is in thought, in the mind. I have been feeling like, Holy fuck, your crazy. Everyone was right, you are a total nutter. 

Friday, May 6, 2022

Driving The Struggle Bus

 I spent all of yesterday in bed. In fact, I have been in bed since I came home from therapy on Wednesday. I thought maybe allergies had gotten to me, I wasn't feeling well. Then I stressed over Covid because I had been shopping recently. Was I depressed? Sick? Tired? Depressed, sick AND tired? Perhaps. I am worn down. I am worn down from trying to figure out all the fucking things so WRONG with me. 

There is still a stigma about therapy. This idea that only people like me that have had a lot of trauma go to therapy and it is for people like me only. So wrong. As a close friend and I have both embarked on years worth of therapy to work out our issues, other's not working on their issues have truly become a glaring, blinding light of this being one sided. Only broken people go to therapy, no one wants to see themselves as broken, so they don't need therapy. We are in therapy to cope with, basically our bullshit and theirs. I am frustrated. I am driving the fucking struggle bus, honking at pedestrians to get the fuck out of my way, because I am done dealing with dumb shit. 

I have been turning things over and over in my head about everything. More specifically where I am in my life now. And maybe I need to stop looking at what is wrong with me, but maybe what is wrong with people and situations around me. Maybe it isn't because I am just oh so fucking broken. Because if I am not broken, what does this say about the people around me that still haven't gotten their shit together? This is why my anger boils up. It has nothing to do with all the abuse. It has to do with the frustration I feel towards ignorance that has caused abuse and that I am still dealing with. If I didn't feel anger, something would be wrong with me, right? What a circular shit circle. 

I need to make sure I am not being over sexual when I am around people. I need to make sure I am not pulling all the attention on me, and being a drama queen. I need to not be loud, that is attention seeking. I need to not get angry and express myself in a calm way. I need not to overshare. I don't need to be open. Laughing too loud is attention seeking. Touching people or smiling too much is over sexual. I just don't feel like any of this fits me anymore. I think in the past I definitely had a lot of these issues. It isn't much of an issue now. 

I started asking myself what is the problem in your daily life. This is how my days are: 

I get up, no alarm, whenever I like. I feed my cats. I think about my dog. I light candles, I make coffee. I meditate and think about what I would like to do that day. I get online, usually blog, I video my day, work on my orders, answer emails and messages and then decide what I want to work on next. It is what I took of me getting rid of all the things interfering with how I wanted to live my life that was an issue. What it took for me to get to this point. Putting down strong boundaries with myself and those around me. The rest of my day involves creating. Creating food, crafts, clothes, cleaning and thinking. I listen to audio books, podcasts and create videos. I like to walk around and enjoy the beauty of earth. Take videos and share this beauty. Ironically, I have been criticized for these things. Why can't you just enjoy the beauty and not video or photograph it? I am enjoying it, and so will others. I enjoy doing this, why is this a problem for anyone else. I am really seeing more clearly that I am not the LONE problem here. It is other's unwillingness to look at what they are projecting and not working on their shit. But, I am oh so broken and needs lots of therapy, meds and everything else. Yea, to cope with all these fucktards.

The thing that I am missing is a deep, sexual and intellectual connection. And I haven't been allowed to talk about it because if I talk about sex = HISTRIONIC PERSONALITY DISORDER. Vagina vagina vagina. There. I want to deeply connect and my boyfriend is trying. I see him trying, but touch and physical affection comes very hard for him. Why? Trauma from his childhood he has not dealt with and it is really surfacing now. I do want attention, why is that a disorder? I see in the past where that has driven me to make unwise choices. But these choices have been infrequent, decades between them. I would hardly call that a pattern. 

I have been scared that my lovable and playful personality is coming under attack because of these diagnosis on paper. I am taking a great deal of issue with a lot of this now. All of this and other events in my life have put me on this struggle bus, accelerating into frustration, that will be labeled and penned as wrong. I need someone to be frank and honest with me. I need a straight talker that doesn't play games and can handle my questions. I do feel very alone now. Probably more alone than I have ever felt in my life. Oh the fucking irony. 

Wednesday, May 4, 2022

What IS My Problem?

 I sat down with myself over coffee this morning and just asked myself, what is your problem? Because I am trying to relate what is so wrong with my life to my actions and my thinking to correct them. 

The biggest issue is my insomnia. I apparently need to move most of the day, be active and take sleeping meds to actually go to sleep. There have been interruptions in the past that I have brought to my partner's attention that he is working on. I sleep in a comfy bed, with very soft blankets, with sound machines, aroma therapy machines and lighting all adjusted for quality sleep. I don't stay on my phone, it goes off and I try to rest. The thinking keeps me awake. Not in a bad way, more of a stream of "what ifs." It isn't all about trauma and what is wrong. I am beginning to recognize my frustration. 

I started asking people, "What is wrong with me?" Being flaky was one thing, being arrogant, not being there and not completing things. And I realized, yes, that is some of me, but isn't most of that someone else's problem to deal with if they need things done? I am not the only one in the world that can do things, but apparently the only one that will. My bad. My kind heart got played and my time and space became abused. So, if I start to recognize my space, my value, my time it seems to be an issue for others. Seems a bit hypocritical. Let's move on.

I'm arrogant. Yes, why? Because I want to LOVE me. I didn't arrive at this point easily. I arrived here through a lot of self work. A great deal of learning to value myself. So I shouldn't love myself? Oh, I should, but not in a way that makes you feel threatened about your insecurities. Let's move on, shall we? 

I am not there for every call, text or need. This isn't my job. In fact, it is an assault on my space and energy. I want to share my space and energy with receptive and beneficial energy. I don't feel aligned with people who aren't working on themselves. I want to grow and flower, not rot and create negative energy. Moving on.

I have a temper. Yes, I do. It is a far cry from what it used to be. I have worked on this a great deal. I do still have outbursts when I am just not emotionally equipped to handle some things in certain moment. Let's say, a car pulls into my lane, I swerve, and my heart begins to race. I shouldn't get angry and react? Yes, but temper it. Okay. Working on it. 

I talk too much and I am too loud. Okay, so I should adjust my volume and expressions to accommodate you. I am too much and it bothers you. Perhaps you not being enough bothers me. But, that isn't how it goes is it? I will work on my volume. 

I am too sexual. I have supposedly have histrionic and borderline personality disorder. Fancy stuff to quickly put on paper to bill insurance? Not sure yet. My flirtations behavior has caused issues. I have led people on, not knowing it. I thought I was being friendly, and myself. Stop being flirty and friendly, got it. 

I think too much. So I should focus only on physical appearances, slap my booty cheeks together online to amass a following that only serves as a masturbation tool? I thought we were more evolved than this. I know I just took that to a sarcastic place, but why does what I am doing with my personal life concern anyone? Maybe it is your lack of thinking that is the problem? I often wonder what I might achieve if I actually had support. My lack of support has not hindered me, support would be helpful. I am grateful for my friends that do support me. This circles back around to my appearance of arrogance.

It has taken me a long time to love myself, and now that I am, it is appalling how many people are angry at this. It isn't me they are angry at, it is themselves. Why should it bother anyone that think highly of how far I have come? How much I have overcome? What is wrong with seeing all these things in myself and enjoying them with some pride? Oh, I should be beat down and feel like shit because things have been so hard. Nope. This is where my "Fuck You" comes in at and where people get defensive. I need to recognize what is my shit and what is NOT MY shit. So back to the question, what is my problem?

I'm trying to see myself from other's perspectives, but knowing they haven't dealt with their shit, makes me question their judgement. I have been spending a great deal of time getting to know myself, observing myself and listening to what I have been saying. No one else has, so I need to. But, this apparently makes me too self involved. I feel like I can't win for loosing here. This is why this assessment has become so very important for me. I need to know physically where the disconnect is, and what is going on with my thinking. What is my problem?

What is wrong? 

Since Covid hit, I have had a wonderful break to stop, cut the world off and reevaluate. I finally was able to have the space and time to do this. I started severing the things that were instant energy vampires, which wasn't easy, but had to be done. As I have been clearing out my apartment, I have noticed something odd. I haven't really thrown out a lot of stuff, yet the energy and space is clearer. There appears to me more space now. A flow of energy came rushing through when I opened the windows and took the time to organize, much like I had done with myself. 

I have been up since four this morning and in deep thought most of the morning. Right in this moment, I feel like I need a nap. I have exhausted my energy from trying to work through all the things so fucking wrong with me. 

Monday, May 2, 2022

Power Tripping

 This morning, I did the dreaded deed, interacted with people through my online business. Why is this such a dreaded thing for me? I started to think about each interaction I was having the person I was having it with. How were we communicating, really? This rabbit holed me down to ultimately thinking of Steve Jobs and taking a bite out of the metaphorical apple. My mind start spinning with excitement, and then I could feel the wet blanket coming to smother my exciting thoughts. I battled for the space to explore this idea, longed deeply for someone to explore it with - rabbit hole crossroad. Choose a path, it will be revealing. 

We were given power when we were given our smart phones. The world opened up for us in a way that had never been seen, in our cycle. A tremendous tool that I felt very proud of using effectively. I thought back on my relationship with my phone and how it had truly become a weapon of power. My universe had been showing me this over and over. I am noticing that I get things on a level outwardly, that my mind not be connecting with as quickly internally. What was my mind trying to say to me? People abuse their power through technology and our smart phones. These valuable tools of knowledge, connection and creativity are being used as weapons, this is why I was having such a problem with it. People abusing their power. Abuse. Ding, ding, ding - ding dong the witch is dead. I took a bite out of the apple and fell further down the rabbit hole. 

I need to be able to have the space to process my thoughts. This phone was truly hindering that space. Last year, I turned it off and started putting down boundaries. Best thing I ever did for myself. Allowing no one space when I needed it for myself. But, then turning it into a tool for creative endeavors. I feel as if I am using this valuable tool in a positive way. I am sharing my journey, I am revealing myself, I am inviting people to see their journey through mine, and that IS a big deal. 

I am not using this technology to call and scream angry vibrations through the airways. I am not using this tool to damage others by harshly criticizing other's journeys or ideas. I am not using this tool to look at porn and entrap others. I am not using this tool to steal from others. I am not using my phone to make things difficult for other people. I try to even be a polite text-er and email-er for these reasons. I know how intrusive this is. We are living in a time that is phenomenal actually.  It is a new season, a shift in thinking and understanding. And it is becoming very clear who has used it for what. 

And this is where I would debate that I use my sexuality to attract. My tiktoks are not filled with me shaking tits, or slapping butt cheeks. That isn't what I am trying to reveal or share about myself. That isn't my journey. I am coming into who I am. And being told over and over that I am unhealed is starting to piss me off. I understand now why I am so angry, all my work isn't showing. THIS is why this evaluation is so important to me. I need to be understood, so I can get the help I need and to help myself. I don't want to backtrack on things I have already acknowledged, I am in action state now. I get it happened, how it affected me and I am working on that. It is THAT, that I need help with. 

I am getting to know my true self. And there is some dismantling going on, and I need the space to do this. While I am in this space, struggling, recognizing and revealing, I still have abusers hanging off my ass. I think these smart phones are going to really reveal to people where they are in life, once more people start to recognize they are abusing this tool, and have weaponized it. The context is all the same, the armor has changed, and what we are fighting for has. Interesting that Covid ushered in a lot of this, it is interesting to me at least. Again, this makes me think of the myths, Joseph Campbell and the new audiobook I am listening to. This gave way to my own Hero's Journey and my comic book ideas. And once again, I recognized I have been using my tools in a positive way. But, only people who are aware of this are going to recognize this. I do question if we, as a societal whole, recognize this? And when we do, the repercussions of it. Because the phones are reflecting to us now the worlds we have built. 

These smart phones have recorded lies, shown a world an exterior that wasn't real, to hide all the ugly beneath. I am starting to see this with couples that really played it up on Facebook and Instagram, their picture perfect life, happy family, the American dream, suddenly ending and everyone around saying "But, you seemed so happy." The face we have also been forced to show the world through social conditioning. That is another crossroad in my rabbit's tale. 

All of these things have played a role in revealing things to us about ourselves. Because these phones have revealed another ugly habit of us, impatience. I knew I didn't owe anyone my space or time, but allowing myself to take that space took a great deal. Why didn't I think I could just turn it off? So I did. I defined my terms, put down my boundaries and began to tell people, this is how I am most comfortable corresponding. Most people were not having it, their way or no way. How was this demonstrated? Through constant messaging then guilting and shaming a person for not answering their needs right then when they wanted them met, irregardless of mine. I needed to own that space, so I did. I am re-evaluating my space now as I am working through this psych evaluation. It will be interesting to me what my brain and body are actually doing that my mind may not be aware of. Just with being asked the questions, consciousness came. This made me realize, the right questions haven't been being asked. 

I think this may be were all the anger is bubbling up from constant abuse. Abuse isn't just sexual, done to you as a child, or being in a difficult relationship. It is in our daily treatment to everything around us, and how we use our tools. How we reveal ourselves. How we hold our space. What we inflict on other's space. How we present our energy and share it. How we use our power. 

The Ugly Truth

 I've been turning things over and over in my head. I have become aware of so many things just from observing myself during this psych eval. And I have arrived at some ugly truths for myself. I understand how sexual abuse at a young age has affected me in ways I wasn't aware of.

The facts are that I am only attracted to Caucasian, intelligent men. I do bond through sex. So if I am not bonding, or a man is not having sex with me, I don't feel loved or wanted. I see now what this need was born out of. And why after I have had sex with a man and he dumps on me, I feel more than used, I am deeply hurt.

I am highly sexual. I always have been. But, I don't freely have sex with people. My "body count" is not very high, at least from "wanted" connections. What seems to be going on in my mind now, that I am now aware of, is feeling loved and wanted is equated to sex and affection. I am not with an affectionate man now. He has his own issues with that, but is aware he can be very distant and cold. This is why I drain him, I am always doing and thinking and wanting attention, and I am just not not getting it. I see now why I strayed. I am not blaming him, I am just understanding me more. This leads me to my other deep realization. It is extremely hard to heal around people who aren't willing to heal. 

I started noticing this early on in this evaluation process. I was reflecting unhealed areas to those around me. If you are unhealed and a mirror is put in front of you, you either take a closer look, or you run from your reflection. Most people went running. Self work isn't easy. This is why people don't want to do it. But, I have to do this, for me. This isn't about anyone but me and my healing journey and some people just aren't getting that. I don't feel like that is my problem. 

I'm not stupid. I may play stupid so people reveal their truths to me, but I see what is happening, and I see it even clearer now. And my stomach is turning because I feel that after acknowledging, comes action. I started cutting people out of my life who were not healing, or not helping me heal. If you aren't on this journey of healing, get the fuck out of my way. As more diagnosis are being thrown around, PTS, Histrionic Personality or Borderline Personality disorder plus whatever else, I realize these diagnosis have never been actually "worked on" in a therapy setting. This is why therapy hasn't been successful for me. I am still be being left to figure things out on my own. 

There was a time a few years ago, when I was in a bad mindset, I was suicidal. And perhaps 80+ mgs of antidepressants were not the answer. I walked into an office, not doing very well. And I stated that. And it was put in my chart something to the effect of "She said she is still living, then LAUGHED." And more pills were given to me. No follow up, no checking on me, she didn't give a shit. She was "recording and dispensing pills." Isn't that the way? I have the paperwork. This had really been bothering me, why? Because it wasn't the first, second, third or tenth time someone who is being paid to help me just looked at me like a lost cause and could care less about my life. This has become so obvious to me that it has caused a disdain toward "the system." I see how broken it is and everyone playing their part in it, is part of it. 

Not too many years back I overdosed, again. I had a doctor tell me, "If you are going to kill yourself, do it, or get help. You obviously don't want help." Yep, Mercy hospital, dick head doctor. I have been trying to get help. I went home and suffered. I had seriously reached my "what the fuck?" point, and where I am still there. I started thinking about the first time I overdosed and was really acting crazy, I admit it, and a cop tried to smother me to death with a pillow in the  hospital. Yep, true story. So I haven't just been abused by people I was entrusted to, but those I was trying to trust. These trust issues aren't stemming from one area, it's all areas. Because people fucking suck. And I do hate them for the most part. Especially unhealed ones trying to tear down a path or make it worse for those struggling. Enter my arrogance. I have been trying to pull myself out of this shit for a long time, and then I realized no one is going to save me, but me.  I have been on this path for a lifetime and I decided it wouldn't be the rest of my life. I had to stop thinking anyone out there could actually help me. 

No one can help me but me. I decided to take the time and space to heal myself. Last year, I started turning the valve of my energy off. And this is when the unhealed really started rearing their heads. I began seeing the more accountable I became, the more other's started to blame INSTEAD of owning their own accountability. This is why it is hard to heal around unhealed people. The refusal to look at their own actions and hold that mirror up and do the work. This caused a great deal of friction. But, I was ready for the work because I initiated it. I know this is the stuff I need to start working through. This is the deep stuff that molded my thinking. This thinking has been integrated into who I am. In the moments I started to become very aware of this while observing myself through this eval, I felt a fear creep in. And it took me a bit to process why I was feeling dismantled. 

There are aspects of myself that I am not sure have come from abuse, or just who I am. Distinguishing these feelings is kind of the pool I am wading in right now. Right in this moment as I am typing, I am beginning to see a problem with talk therapy, and why it isn't beneficial for all people. Especially people like me who can't stay on track, gets too excited to share ideas and isn't really in the space to get down to the nitty gritty. I am going to get real with myself here, I am not very vulnerable in therapy. And here is why: the state of mind I am in through the process of "getting ready" for therapy. And this is why the pajamas have become an issue for me. 

I'm a mess inside, and have been under attack my entire life. So as to not make myself more vulnerable, I put on my armor = looking pulled together on the surface. Being pretty, throwing my long blonde hair in the wind. I get the subconscious need to really cut your hair when healing now. You are regrowing and regaining your strength. It is in these deep moments that allegory and myth really start pulling at me. I cut my hair off. I noticed an instant change in attention from people. This really started making me think about Histrionic Personality Disorder and using my charm and looks to actually get my way. This is why aging has really punched me in the gut. I'm gaining weight, I cut my hair off, my neck is really sagging, the flab on my body is bothering me deeply, and outwardly I am trying to camouflage all this on top of what is going on inside. 

When I get ready to go out, I put on all this armor. I am preparing to face the world, battle. I am not in the mind set to sit for an hour and unravel all the deep mysteries of me, knowing I have to get up and go back out into battle. This is part of why years of therapy have not been working, and let's be honest, really bad therapists don't help this situation. I have been processing all of this over the weekend. Coincidentally, my first two days without sleeping pills and not on purpose. Apparently my pharmacy has Covid hours now and isn't open on the weekend and was not ready for me to pick up Friday before they closed. I have been struggling all weekend and had, several, several breakdowns. 

And now I am sitting on my keyboard, on a rainy Monday, filled with so much anxiety that all I can do is get truthful with myself. And being in this space this morning, filled with dread of dealing with difficult people who are just being difficult because a smart phone gives them a little bit of power to abuse, makes me want to vomit. But, it brings me clarity of what I don't and do want and allow in my life. 

Friday, April 29, 2022

I'm On Fire

 With rage. While trying to work and focus my mind keeps drifting to moments of people saying "What is wrong with you? Work on your shit!" And looking back on the years that I have been doing the work, and they aren't, makes me angry. Throat punch angry. I see a turning of the tables coming into my life. I am in a living hell right now, smiling the whole fucking way through it, trying to be a good person because I don't want to be a difficult burden on anyone. I know the people around me are not recognizing how over the shit I am, because I am just coming to terms with the intensity of it. 

I feel more alone than ever now knowing that once I slap down healthy boundaries, I am going to loose more people. Part of me is thinking finally, but then there is a part of myself I have been completely denying, the part that wants to be able to connect with someone deeply on all levels. And I am sitting here, sobbing, scared to show this emotion because I don't want the answer to be MORE PILLS! Me being honest is going to be a fight, and one I will be doing alone. And this is probably why I haven't wanted to tackle any of this. I recognize that I am so honest because I honestly do hold back on the very deep, intense emotion. This is all surface level bullshit to me. That is why I can be so honest about it. But, deeper, what is going on beneath the surface is intense. The intensity is bubbling to a level that for the first time maybe truly scares me. 

I'm being honest on the surface level. I am recognizing that reason it is so easy, is because I am not even facing my deepest inner truths, and I know it. If I can't be honest with myself, I can't possibly be honest with anyone else, yet it seems that I am. And I think it is because I don't care about that level of honesty because it seems that it is such a struggle for many of the people I have encountered to get to a basic level of. I can show a lot, because I withhold a lot. This is the stuff I need to unpack, slowly and methodically.