Wait

 I was sweeping this morning, ruminating and the oddest image came into my mind. It was my Grandmother Gracie and her husband Burt. It is strange to me that I associate them that way. I have a very interesting passage of time spent with them that honestly shaped and molded a lot of who I am. I got to thinking about them and how I associate them with comfort and safety. And all the elements that surrounded me at that time. I almost dropped my broom. I have currently filled my life with a lot of those elements for comfort. Knowledge, is all my mom. I have nothing of my father here, only whispers from outside, deep into the woods. Usually around water, I oddly feel his energy. I think he must of struggled greatly with that. My understanding about why and who they were has changed. It's shifted. Like my weight. Wait. Wait, that is where I was going with this. 

Gracie was a larger woman and had a broad back. Burt was spindly and small. My brother Johnny once made the comment, "Yea it sucks you got Gracie's broad back." He then laughed because he knew I was stuck with this meat sack. Anyway. I started thinking about me and Derek in those terms. And then it was another, oh my fucking god. I didn't marry my father, I basically created Burt. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I thought about them, how I remembered their images because I don't remember their faces, AT ALL. It is the strangest thing. Though that happens a lot with me. I try to think about what a person looks like and can't. I usually only have a visual of like an energy field. This optical thing I am noticing does have something to do with how I view light and light and shadows what make up most of memories of beauty. I am truly fascinated now at the concept of this. Back to sweeping. I am mentally comparing the image blobs of Gracie and Burt and Me and Derek at this point. And the outward actual "form" struck me. Then a question, "What is really the problem here?" Derek can't support the weight of me. This is a physical reflection. So I questioned, am I unhealthy or is he unhealthy? We are both unhealthy. He is too thin, I am too thick. I am too loud, he is too quiet. Down the rabbit hole I mentally went.

This duality that has been mirrored to me my entire life. It has brought me to this NOW point. The cornfields behind me, the digital waterfalls in front of me. Me balancing between the two, right in this spot, this energy area. How utterly bizarre. The depth of our own reality creation is honestly, scary. Scary how much of it has been done completely unaware and unconsciously. I got it at certain levels, which is why the entire analogy of thick/thin healthy/unhealthy conscious/unconscious has been mirrored to me in my life. Why reflective psychology just made so much sense. All these things just swirl in my mind. White mother, black father. New Age, old religion. My thoughts got interrupted briefly as I watched Miss Gracie slowly walk down the hall and piss on the floor. Life and Death. 

I have had a lot of death in my life. I want to focus on living now. I think that is why I did not remember my mom's death anniversary. I realized it after Pops left a sad message on my phone while I was out living life in the pumpkin patch. Guilt! But why? I need answers. I need to talk to my crazy brother. 

Mapping

 I watched Gracie walk around in circles, confused and lost. She then peed on the floor. It's been a couple of months now that she has started doing this. She is so old. I watch her wander around, pee and I clean it up. I feed her treats and she naps. Poor old lady, she has had one life. I relate ole gal. She is one of Roger's last living cats. The years have passed so quickly. Time is passing quicker. I am trying to grab each day and savor it. It is actually cold this morning and it is officially autumn. The dryer is going, I just added some eucalyptus to the diffuser, fresh cup of coffee coming and I am working on "The Art of Change."

This week we are tackling beliefs. When beliefs were formed, why and how to upgrade them. It truly is like updating your software, getting rid of faulty files and uninstalling bad fonts. I got a bit lost in this morning's journal entry. And frankly, I keep breaking the damn rules I just set for myself with this process. I keep turning on my phone and not allowing myself the break and complete control over my time and how I communicate. Ah! My terms. Do my terms need to be updated? I really want to pull a "Sheldon Cooper" and make a relationship agreement for everyone around me. It just makes good sense. These are the boundaries that we agreed upon and if you breech them, they will be noted and addressed. Communication.

Last night I found myself telling my friend "there is all this assumption up in the air that is creating chaos, there is not a direct line of clear communication at all in these situations." That is proving to be true in most of the cases around me where there is chaos. This lack of not being direct, getting to the point of what the need or want is and addressing it. But, I am the crazy creative? All these imaginary scenarios way off that is taking up so much energy for nothing. What is that? I am witnessing made up scenarios to avoid the absolute now moment. And it is creating chaos, discomfort and confusion. Why not just be honest? This is where it gets difficult for me. I get told often that I am too honest. "Well, she is not wrong" is  heard frequently. I make damn good points. Because I am honest and try to be direct. When I am not, I end up stuttering and looking for words and trying to get the sugar out to put on the words. What I want to say is "What is the problem?"

This morning around four in the morning, I was laying in bed, enjoying the faux candlelights, and cold air spilling through my window as I was wrapped up in my fuzzy blanket. I decided to stretch when Derek came in from work. He was going on and on about needing to do something and all the things that had to happen before this could happen and I cut him off. "What is the first step of action that needs to be taken?" "Don't you start your shit with me while you are laying in bed waving your legs in the air." I had to laugh. I was about to start my shit. I decided to start my shit with myself this morning. What is the goal here? I need some direction, I need a map. 

Beliefs and Relationships

 This week in "The Art of Change" we are working through beliefs. Belief and I are very acquainted. Actually, we go way back, so I feel pretty confident about this chapter. Until I got real after what I wrote in the journal. My every day issues are not work, they are not creativity, they are not productivity. My everyday issue is RELATIONSHIPS. I have been studying this for years, trying to understand it. But, it was this day 1 journal prompt: "Identify a current circumstance or situation in your life that has you feeling dissatisfied, stuck, frustrated or blocked" that surprised me. My relationships. I have few healthy relationships. I have known this. I have been working on this, actively. But, everyday it is the number one thing that actually does upset me. So I want to think over relationships and honestly give it a really hard look. 

The majority of all my relationships have been strained. From abusive parenting, promiscuous behaviors, not having stability to keep friendships or relationships and being emotionally unavailable. I have spent over three decades actively working on myself. I have been laying down boundaries and not accepting abusive behaviors. So where is there a problem? The loneliness. I have always been and felt alone, even when surrounded by people. I have lived in shelters, foster homes, with strangers, many places where I was in someone else's borrowed space, and all I had was me. My belief in that started then, and has lasted.

I am challenging. I think that could be either positive or negative depending on your orientation. I think that orientation either creates connection or it doesn't. Do I have a belief that majority of the people I encounter are not oriented like me? Yes. I have always carried it. This misfit, outcast, different label. I hated it, then I embraced it and now I think it just is what it is. Have I opened myself up to connection? I did, it went south so I packed it in and shut up shop. I have spent two years now, since Covid, is it three already? Almost? Almost three years of transformation. So where am I now with my beliefs and relationships?

I am more confident in my understanding and am completely open to evolving beliefs and working on deconstructing faulty software. I ended toxic relationships, put down boundaries and severed myself from a great deal of unhealthy. Where am I after the shift? Way fewer relationships. But, more connected ones of being very open and honest about how I feel. I am building relationships on trust, support and honesty. I have been very open with Derek about not feeling connected and not having someone to be in-spirit with. He has started trying harder. I don't want him to try harder and exert energy on something to make me happy if it isn't making him happy. If it is making it harder on him, that isn't a good energy exchange. 

I feel like I am already doubling my work with what is on the journal docket: Beliefs. And what I am falling heavily into trying to deal with: relationships. It is my relationship with people that is such an issue for me. And I think it has to come down to a deep belief that I think relationships are lonely and challenging. My brother always cried and got suicidal "Nobody loves me" I used to say that too. I hear my granddaughter say it. We don't feel loved. We never did. Obviously, or we wouldn't have those feelings. Regardless of what everyone thinks on the outside and what perceptions they had, we were not loved. We did not feel love and we carried that out into the mean world that was against us. The world is not difficult and there are good people out there. There is connection to be had, ideas to be discussed and moments to be shared. 

Strangle Hold

 I am using a new strain called Strangle. I can't decide yet if I like it. I thought the name was fitting for how I feel though. Yesterday morning I felt so good about where I was and where I was going. I then opened my phone to a suicidal message and was thrown into complete chaos. The rest of the afternoon brought that energy throughout until I crashed in a fit of rage. The one place I detest being. 

I was so excited to see my medicine man and share with him all my progress and how all this work is paying off. I felt organized and with it and ready to start working again. The phone is is my main source of relief and stress. Relief because I can do all kinds of cool art shit that I have never been able to do before. But, it also is my MAIN source of stress, anxiety and chaos. I listened to chaos regarding people continuously sticking their hand in a fire, getting burned, then doing it over and over, crying about how they keep sticking their hand in the fire. I ask "Why are you sticking your hand in the fire?" "I can't do anything other than stick my hand in the fire." You have the choice to not stick your hand in the fire you know. Apparently that isn't a choice. I didn't realize that. Because I think if something is really burning your hand, and if you are the one consciously sticking your hand into the fire, you can control it. Then I realized, they want someone to pull them away from the fire, they need to be rescued. They are victims sitting at the campfire sticking their arms into the fire and screaming "Why are you burning me fire?" The fire does what it does. It burns. 

I rarely go out. When I do, I make a deal about it to me. I put on makeup. I pick out an outfit that represents how I feel. I put on perfume, pick out favorite shoes and I do my hair. Yesterday, I got to half do all that on my special day because through my phone I was listening to people screaming about this fire burning them. I was trying to be like whatever, go with the flow. But it was an interruption to my schedule. And I don't care what the fuck anyone thinks about it, I have a problem when my routine gets fucked up. I was trying to remember to put on pants by the time my alarm was sounding to get in the car. I was going to be fucking late. Why does everything feel so fucking tight? Smothering and strangling me. 

I get in my car, fuck it, gummy double shuffle. I need to get my fucking oil changed, almost out of gas and now I am going to be late. Did I remember my print out? Yes, thankfully. And this is why I need to do this shit. Because by the time I got to his office, I was so rattled from everything that I couldn't think. Then my gummies started dropping. Words sounded like they coming through a tunnel. What an interesting nose. I haven't had the opportunity to actually "See" the medicine man because he had a mask on until Covid until now. Weird, I slipped into a completely alternate world. Focus on what he is saying...

I wonder how many people have interacted with people the last few years without seeing their faces? My medicine man has been masked until now. The shape, that is interesting. My sculpting hands start to rub over the nostrils. The eyes, they are more round, bubble like. More of a middle eastern feel. Hmmm.... I wonder what his lineage is? His hair looks slightly coarse, darker, but with red and a curl. His ears, the shape, the indentions at about 10:30 are very cute and gnome like. Interesting. That camera is so cool. Man I wish I could whip out my phone and video this cool shit. Wait... his arms are up, he is explaining something. Focus. I knew then I was not going to retain anything that was said to me. I started to shame spiral. I felt the tumbling in my stomach. Wait. He understands ADHD. Shift your thoughts. I felt back on track, really high, but fuck it going to Starbucks.

After I wrestled with myself over should I go pumpkin or stick to caramel? I really need my routine today. "Crunchy ribbon caramel thing please" because after ordering this over a dozen times now, I still can't remember the name. Fuck it. Stop shaming yourself. It is a beautiful day! And OH MY GAWDDD, the pumpkin patch opens today! Text Derek. Let's go! Not today, sick. Okay, well, I can still go do something. Sound effects here, darkly nope.

I ended up with hot tears and what little mascara I GOT to put on today down my face. I was wrecked and honestly, this was it. I snapped. I turned off my phone. I threw it in a drawer and decided I am activating my Dead to the World plan. I went upstairs. Derek said things, I don't know what. I laid in bed and cried myself into a nap. I woke up, thinking I will feel better. Nope. Little did I know there was a rage storm coming. One I felt completely caught in a strangle hold with. 

I screamed at Derek, he tried to console me. He couldn't. He knows when these moments happen to not touch me, let me express my rage and calm down. I did those things. Then shame spiraled. That is the me I do not like. That is the abusive Freddy Lee Abbott. So how did I get here, yet again, even with all this effort? I crossed my own boundaries. My boundaries were tested, and I failed and I ended up depleted. Shame spiraling. 

Medicine

 I have my follow up with medicine man today. I have notes scribbled in my journal for things "for the file." So, I am noticing with this ADHD medicine many things. I am getting things done. I do feel the rise and fall throughout the day. I feel them and can expect and utilize them now. I don't want to increase this. I like this and it is manageable now. What I do want to increase is the antidepressant however. 

After the incident in the first week of this month and the quick spiraling after being off my antidepressant and my friend overdosing, I realized it is essential. It is also probably likely that I would benefit from a slight increase. I think with those two medicines in place and the continued work I am doing towards my 8 week "Art of Change" project, I might have a very beautiful fall. 

I am also sleeping better, longer and deeper. And this is without the CPAP - which I need to follow up on. One more thing for my "Incompletes" list. Along with the oil change that is nagging me to the point of nausea. I am actually feeling better. Clearer. Refreshed. 

Calibrating and Repressed Memories

 I had more repressed memories surface yesterday after therapy. I said in therapy "I think my mom may have had issues with my sexuality." I was getting the groceries out of the car when I had a surge of memories surface. My mom was so uncomfortable with me developing breasts so young and starting my period that she had my Aunt Josie call me to talk about it. My aunt Josie and my mom had intense discussions, a beautiful relationship and I felt Aunt Josie was there looking out for me. I then remembered being in elementary school and being the first girl to pretty much have her period and being teased and bullied for it. I remembered some girl digging a bloody pad out of the garbage to show people to embarrass me. As I walked to carry the groceries over to the fence to hang them, I remembered walking to school. I remembered loving the walk and the trees. I remembered the buildings. Goldstein Elementary. I met friends there that are still in my life. These memories feel lighter. They make the memories of smelling Pine Bluff and hearing my mom cry easier. She had a hard life. 

I am knocking at the door of my 50s now. Thinking about how very few people in my family lived past 65. It is a fear. I do love living and experiencing. Before when I wasn't experiencing the beauty here and was only wrapped up in the pain and trauma, I didn't want to live anymore. Now I want to live as much as I can and absorb all the beauty here. And I don't care how selfish that seems. I am feeling good again and I will protect this space. I'm building a fort, and no one is allowed in!

Calibration and Therapy

 I have started on week two of Nancy Levin's new journal "The Art of Change." The first week was a refresher of what I have been working on identifying. This second week, hit home hard. Calibration. What struck a nerve was the "Incompletions" and my long list of them. "Incompletions are actions we didn't take in the past that create a barrier in the present, keeping us from the future we most desire" Nancy Levin writes. "Incompletions are basically unfinished business..."

All my unfinished business and past are all so intertwined. Today however, on day 2 of calibrating, I was to list the clutter and resentments. I thought, wow, such a small space for all this. I sat and thought about it and actually, I have done a lot of work clearing this out. I am still able to list the deeper stuff and recent stuff. My art. My sculptures. My costumes. My paintings. My journals. All these things with so much to explore in all of them. Why am I rushing this? I can declutter and clear out my life WHILE working on my goals. I didn't feel like I was able to do that before. Something has changed. Things have changed. I have changed. Every time I reach a deeper level of understanding, I want to fall to my knees in gratitude for whatever it is that brings this awareness. The evolving process I have always seen and feel in deep gut.

I have therapy today and I am excited and hopeful. And when my medicine man asks me what makes a good therapist, I want to remember to tell him "Atmosphere, trust and safety." It's a vibe. And I am hard to vibe with. You get me or you don't and I don't care either way. I am lying. I didn't care until people started getting me. I started feeling less alone. I started feeling seen. I am feeling understood. Was this the shift? Is it the medicine? Is it all of these things coming together to usher me forward into a new season? Whatever it is, I am looking at unfinished business now as more of "Let me just sweep this shit out of the way and get down to business now."

I like where this is going. I like that an action plan is in place, I got a map, I got my North Star and I am ready for experience and adventure. I am also on a new strain of King Louie mixed with some Sour Joker. This might be this Sour Joker. I am afraid to experiment too much with this Joker.