I've been turning things over and over in my head. I have become aware of so many things just from observing myself during this psych eval. And I have arrived at some ugly truths for myself. I understand how sexual abuse at a young age has affected me in ways I wasn't aware of.
The facts are that I am only attracted to Caucasian, intelligent men. I do bond through sex. So if I am not bonding, or a man is not having sex with me, I don't feel loved or wanted. I see now what this need was born out of. And why after I have had sex with a man and he dumps on me, I feel more than used, I am deeply hurt.
I am highly sexual. I always have been. But, I don't freely have sex with people. My "body count" is not very high, at least from "wanted" connections. What seems to be going on in my mind now, that I am now aware of, is feeling loved and wanted is equated to sex and affection. I am not with an affectionate man now. He has his own issues with that, but is aware he can be very distant and cold. This is why I drain him, I am always doing and thinking and wanting attention, and I am just not not getting it. I see now why I strayed. I am not blaming him, I am just understanding me more. This leads me to my other deep realization. It is extremely hard to heal around people who aren't willing to heal.
I started noticing this early on in this evaluation process. I was reflecting unhealed areas to those around me. If you are unhealed and a mirror is put in front of you, you either take a closer look, or you run from your reflection. Most people went running. Self work isn't easy. This is why people don't want to do it. But, I have to do this, for me. This isn't about anyone but me and my healing journey and some people just aren't getting that. I don't feel like that is my problem.
I'm not stupid. I may play stupid so people reveal their truths to me, but I see what is happening, and I see it even clearer now. And my stomach is turning because I feel that after acknowledging, comes action. I started cutting people out of my life who were not healing, or not helping me heal. If you aren't on this journey of healing, get the fuck out of my way. As more diagnosis are being thrown around, PTS, Histrionic Personality or Borderline Personality disorder plus whatever else, I realize these diagnosis have never been actually "worked on" in a therapy setting. This is why therapy hasn't been successful for me. I am still be being left to figure things out on my own.
There was a time a few years ago, when I was in a bad mindset, I was suicidal. And perhaps 80+ mgs of antidepressants were not the answer. I walked into an office, not doing very well. And I stated that. And it was put in my chart something to the effect of "She said she is still living, then LAUGHED." And more pills were given to me. No follow up, no checking on me, she didn't give a shit. She was "recording and dispensing pills." Isn't that the way? I have the paperwork. This had really been bothering me, why? Because it wasn't the first, second, third or tenth time someone who is being paid to help me just looked at me like a lost cause and could care less about my life. This has become so obvious to me that it has caused a disdain toward "the system." I see how broken it is and everyone playing their part in it, is part of it.
Not too many years back I overdosed, again. I had a doctor tell me, "If you are going to kill yourself, do it, or get help. You obviously don't want help." Yep, Mercy hospital, dick head doctor. I have been trying to get help. I went home and suffered. I had seriously reached my "what the fuck?" point, and where I am still there. I started thinking about the first time I overdosed and was really acting crazy, I admit it, and a cop tried to smother me to death with a pillow in the hospital. Yep, true story. So I haven't just been abused by people I was entrusted to, but those I was trying to trust. These trust issues aren't stemming from one area, it's all areas. Because people fucking suck. And I do hate them for the most part. Especially unhealed ones trying to tear down a path or make it worse for those struggling. Enter my arrogance. I have been trying to pull myself out of this shit for a long time, and then I realized no one is going to save me, but me. I have been on this path for a lifetime and I decided it wouldn't be the rest of my life. I had to stop thinking anyone out there could actually help me.
No one can help me but me. I decided to take the time and space to heal myself. Last year, I started turning the valve of my energy off. And this is when the unhealed really started rearing their heads. I began seeing the more accountable I became, the more other's started to blame INSTEAD of owning their own accountability. This is why it is hard to heal around unhealed people. The refusal to look at their own actions and hold that mirror up and do the work. This caused a great deal of friction. But, I was ready for the work because I initiated it. I know this is the stuff I need to start working through. This is the deep stuff that molded my thinking. This thinking has been integrated into who I am. In the moments I started to become very aware of this while observing myself through this eval, I felt a fear creep in. And it took me a bit to process why I was feeling dismantled.
There are aspects of myself that I am not sure have come from abuse, or just who I am. Distinguishing these feelings is kind of the pool I am wading in right now. Right in this moment as I am typing, I am beginning to see a problem with talk therapy, and why it isn't beneficial for all people. Especially people like me who can't stay on track, gets too excited to share ideas and isn't really in the space to get down to the nitty gritty. I am going to get real with myself here, I am not very vulnerable in therapy. And here is why: the state of mind I am in through the process of "getting ready" for therapy. And this is why the pajamas have become an issue for me.
I'm a mess inside, and have been under attack my entire life. So as to not make myself more vulnerable, I put on my armor = looking pulled together on the surface. Being pretty, throwing my long blonde hair in the wind. I get the subconscious need to really cut your hair when healing now. You are regrowing and regaining your strength. It is in these deep moments that allegory and myth really start pulling at me. I cut my hair off. I noticed an instant change in attention from people. This really started making me think about Histrionic Personality Disorder and using my charm and looks to actually get my way. This is why aging has really punched me in the gut. I'm gaining weight, I cut my hair off, my neck is really sagging, the flab on my body is bothering me deeply, and outwardly I am trying to camouflage all this on top of what is going on inside.
When I get ready to go out, I put on all this armor. I am preparing to face the world, battle. I am not in the mind set to sit for an hour and unravel all the deep mysteries of me, knowing I have to get up and go back out into battle. This is part of why years of therapy have not been working, and let's be honest, really bad therapists don't help this situation. I have been processing all of this over the weekend. Coincidentally, my first two days without sleeping pills and not on purpose. Apparently my pharmacy has Covid hours now and isn't open on the weekend and was not ready for me to pick up Friday before they closed. I have been struggling all weekend and had, several, several breakdowns.
And now I am sitting on my keyboard, on a rainy Monday, filled with so much anxiety that all I can do is get truthful with myself. And being in this space this morning, filled with dread of dealing with difficult people who are just being difficult because a smart phone gives them a little bit of power to abuse, makes me want to vomit. But, it brings me clarity of what I don't and do want and allow in my life.