I was sweeping this morning, ruminating and the oddest image came into my mind. It was my Grandmother Gracie and her husband Burt. It is strange to me that I associate them that way. I have a very interesting passage of time spent with them that honestly shaped and molded a lot of who I am. I got to thinking about them and how I associate them with comfort and safety. And all the elements that surrounded me at that time. I almost dropped my broom. I have currently filled my life with a lot of those elements for comfort. Knowledge, is all my mom. I have nothing of my father here, only whispers from outside, deep into the woods. Usually around water, I oddly feel his energy. I think he must of struggled greatly with that. My understanding about why and who they were has changed. It's shifted. Like my weight. Wait. Wait, that is where I was going with this.
Gracie was a larger woman and had a broad back. Burt was spindly and small. My brother Johnny once made the comment, "Yea it sucks you got Gracie's broad back." He then laughed because he knew I was stuck with this meat sack. Anyway. I started thinking about me and Derek in those terms. And then it was another, oh my fucking god. I didn't marry my father, I basically created Burt. OH MY FUCKING GOD. I thought about them, how I remembered their images because I don't remember their faces, AT ALL. It is the strangest thing. Though that happens a lot with me. I try to think about what a person looks like and can't. I usually only have a visual of like an energy field. This optical thing I am noticing does have something to do with how I view light and light and shadows what make up most of memories of beauty. I am truly fascinated now at the concept of this. Back to sweeping. I am mentally comparing the image blobs of Gracie and Burt and Me and Derek at this point. And the outward actual "form" struck me. Then a question, "What is really the problem here?" Derek can't support the weight of me. This is a physical reflection. So I questioned, am I unhealthy or is he unhealthy? We are both unhealthy. He is too thin, I am too thick. I am too loud, he is too quiet. Down the rabbit hole I mentally went.
This duality that has been mirrored to me my entire life. It has brought me to this NOW point. The cornfields behind me, the digital waterfalls in front of me. Me balancing between the two, right in this spot, this energy area. How utterly bizarre. The depth of our own reality creation is honestly, scary. Scary how much of it has been done completely unaware and unconsciously. I got it at certain levels, which is why the entire analogy of thick/thin healthy/unhealthy conscious/unconscious has been mirrored to me in my life. Why reflective psychology just made so much sense. All these things just swirl in my mind. White mother, black father. New Age, old religion. My thoughts got interrupted briefly as I watched Miss Gracie slowly walk down the hall and piss on the floor. Life and Death.
I have had a lot of death in my life. I want to focus on living now. I think that is why I did not remember my mom's death anniversary. I realized it after Pops left a sad message on my phone while I was out living life in the pumpkin patch. Guilt! But why? I need answers. I need to talk to my crazy brother.