The Avatar

 Last night I had some disturbances to my sleep. Before my dream alerted me to my physical difficulties, there were interesting dream moments. I saw myself overhead running over a field. I hovered over myself, exclaiming to Derek, "There I am!" We was as if we were tracking the ground from the sky, but it didn't feel physical. It felt as if I was conscious above my avatar below. For a moment, there was a glitching. I was in my body now, looking around. It felt very much like this was a simulation. 

In my body I proceeded to run around in literal costumes. Sort of playing in the play. I started having a strangling feeling. There was this burning in my throat, choking me. Very acidic. I fell to my knees, gagging and choking. During the struggle in my dream, I woke up, about to vomit. The air from my CPAP machine was pushing the acid back, with it caught between the pushing pressures. I woke up, yanked the CPAP off my face and ran for the sink. 

Since I have been drinking alkaline water and reducing my intake of sodas, my acid reflux has diminished greatly. Working on reducing acidic foods in my diet has been difficult. I made myself some fresh guacamole last night, with lemon, onions and cilantro. I immediately felt the reflux climbing. I also began to ache in my wrists. My body was reacting quickly. No doubt this brought on the vomit event during sleep. 

Thinking about the dream from the night before, triggered memories of other dreams that were similar to this theme. Strange experiences of popping outside of my body, hovering above had been different from this dream. One in particular that stands out was that I was standing in my office, I turned around to a curtain. I looked back around and was in a different environment. There was a man, greeting people as they came in. I was childlike and saw that he was distracted with people coming in. So I peeked behind the curtain. I grew in understanding from what I was seeing. I was trying to absorb more information when the man realized and snatched me from the curtain. Getting a glimpse behind the curtain or veil made sense to me in this context. I was a child peeking behind the curtain, but I had felt this before, but different. 

I remembered another dream where I was in bed. I felt hoops clasp down over me. They were light and they vibrated. There was a resonating, circular sound. It enclosed me until I Star Trek like appeared in another place. But, again, I was a child, but an adult. The Entity that is carrying me on their back knows I am there. They are like large guardians that have gathered. I was observing, absorbing. They did not speak in a language I understood, but deep within me, I was trapping the knowledge. Dreams like that haunt me. 

Those dreams seemed otherworldly in the respect that I was privy to what was more. In the dream last night, I saw what was more and felt like I moved into the driver's seat in a way. I felt like I could tap in and control my avatar. Maybe it is the unconscious finally surfacing to become conscious. That is definitely my goal. If that was my intent, then maybe my dreams are the unconscious world pushing up. Maybe the acidity of it all is burning my throat. What can resolve this? Omeprazole? Baking Soda? Not eating lemons and onions? 

I have been exploring the physical ailments in my body. I have been connecting them to my mind and spirit. Physically, I understand why I was in severe depression. I couldn't magical think my way out of the fact that my body needs a lot of attention. Little by little I tackled the physical. And still am. After my TMS treatment, I need to physically tackle the dental issue. And so on. Working my way up and down my body. Just as I am in cleaning up my physical surroundings. Slowly working my around the house, room by room, area by area. It's a refinement of physical space. That is what being in this avatar meat suit feels like to me. 

Part of this connection came while stretching the other day. I have reintroduced cannabis back into my diet. It helps tremendously with pain and movement. I had taken a tolerance break to prove I could live without it, as well as my ADHD med. I wasn't sure what I was trying to prove to myself by denying myself help. What was I trying to prove to myself with my own war on drugs? I was stretching and moving in effort to begin utilizing the movement space I had created. Being able to check that one off daily would feel like a personal accomplishment to myself. That is proving something to myself. Not being in pain to prove I can. I don't want to believe in suffering anymore.

I bent forward and touched the floor, stretching all I could between my feet and hands. My body felt warm and like a slinky in that moment. I felt an ability to let go and the energy in the universe just picked me up and began to stretch my muscles. I felt like dough in the energetic hands of the universe. It felt fantastic. Then I moved into awareness of how long I had been slumped over and slowly came back into my body. I then laughed. I have taken yoga classes where I strained to imitate with what the instructor was demonstrating. Like a child imitating an adult. 

How strange it must have been to try to explain the idea of these dreams decades ago, centuries. My flesh being animated by this higher spirit. Struggling to even bring the higher self concept into the cultural or societal norm. That awareness of something beyond the immediate physical. Something behind the curtain. Something beyond the veil or sky. It seems many mythologies are telling this story. 

Right now, my avatar has been jolted by time in this reality. I have appointments, laundry, a checklist. Grounding myself to asses the immediate situation. What is the reality of what is currently here? What needs to be done?