Ferns and Fuchsias
It is raining this morning. A beautiful, gentle spring rain. All the trees are glowing green. I am reminded of moments on Columbia Hills. Our old house was one of the first when you turned off the street. It was still wooded behind our house. We had trails that led to club houses, a little creek and lots of wild ferns and fern like trees. I remember sitting by the creek, looking up through the branches at the light streaming in through the long, thin leaves. Something stirred deep in my soul in that moment. I did feel something very ancient and primordial. I felt more connected in that moment, that it still lingers.
By my best estimates, we lived there when I was in first grade. My fondest moments are the ones out back in the yard. The green mossy patches of grass made me happy. It was an inner stirring again. One of deep gratitude for the plants and trees around me. A deep connectedness I felt, more at home, safer than home. Sitting at my desk, looking out the window at the club house I had built, I remembered. How strange it seems to me that I haven't put that together until now.
My fuchsia plant out back is loaded with blooms. The weight from the rain is pulling them down a bit. I have actually dreamt of this moment. When I would walk the streets of Eureka, I would peer into the quiet little houses on the street. Most were bed and breakfasts, some shops and others were just sweet little homes. I was in my early 20s then and had a clear picture of what I wanted. This is why I was hell bent on leaving Little Rock. I dreamt of living safely in a small, quaint town. On my vision boards I had images of cottages and flowers. And me, drinking coffee or tea, watching out the back window, writing.
These days, are actually perfect. They are perfect because they aren't. Everyday I push to do better. I know that everything I am doing right now is creating the optimal environment for my growth. I know with everything within me that I am showing up the absolute best that I can in my life. How do I know this? I made a list of the things I needed to do everyday to fill that I have accomplished tasks, pushed myself to get things done and worked towards bettering my self. Some days, most days, all the things don't get checked off. But, more and more, I am making progress. And that is all I am asking of myself.
Isn't this what we all want for each other and our selves? Evolving, growth, change. So what is the problem? What my self growth looks like to me, looks different to some on the outside of me. I have resolved that is okay. The nagging world guilt of "attend to me, attend to me" is the pulling on my energy field. It feels like little plucks from the outside, until I realize I need to reinforce what is on the inside. Activate my shield of protection from within.
I rewatched the new Dune last night. Then began to research the author. I was intrigued on how he built these worlds, and what is this spice? I became intrigued again by sand, the pyramids and how the commonly taught narrative makes no sense. I thought about my struggles in school with what was being taught. My outer world was not reflecting my inner world at any level. Perhaps, it was actually all the worst case scenario possible. That young to write such a program? A program to unconsciously reflect the world at it's worst, so I could begin to see it at its best, then integrate? No way, I had to come in knowing this right? That internal, undefinable knowing. I've limited my own understanding.
In my late 20s I remember going through another "religious" phase. I had swung wildly from atheistic branches, to eastern philosophy to Christ consciousness so much, people rolled their eyes. But, I was baptized, that was pretty radical for me. That was also my first time I was introduced to what living a commune could look like. I had been invited to sit in a silent meditation at this place. I squandered the opportunity it feels in hindsight. I wanted so much to have these deep experiences like people around me were, but I knew I wasn't connecting. Not like them.
Not like the silent monks, not like the Pentecostal tongue talkers. I wasn't "feeling it" much like a lot of other things I witnessed in people around me. Feeling "not like them" would be a feeling I carried for a while. It was reflecting the opposite. The duality and polar opposites started visually representing themselves to me at a young age. I thought for a long while this morning after I had the realization about the club house outside my window. The trees reminded me. We are all the same. There were so many moments of me feeling not like them, I needed to explore the times I felt like, "they are like me" or I began to resonate.
Resonation and Identification. What has really resonated with me during my life? The more I opened myself up to this question, the more I could identify with others in my life. I could be open to seeing what my life was reflecting to me. What felt good, and more positive? What areas felt out of alignment? What was my world reflecting to me? The club house, the bright fuchsia blooms, the ferns? The rainy spring day in a quaint little town, in a little house. Down the path, a view from the window across from my desk; a club house that I need to dismantle. The birds and squirrels are jumping from branch to fence. The colors are brighter because of the rain. This is absolute perfect photography weather.
I am the woman, sitting at her laptop, writing about this view. Watching the leaves and blooms dance around in the breeze that whips up. I have surrounded myself with all the things my heart loves. I traced the memories back to moments I dreamt about them as a child. How my tastes were influenced. How my love for light and living things became part of my world. Moments I identified as connected and peaceful. I filled my life with those objects, those 3d things. They are my decor. What is my reality reflecting back to me? Am I happy? Yes, I am. But still working on the guilt issues.
A guilt or fear to be happy, the attachment to the suffering outcome. The worst case scenario and the best case. Have my dreams been limited by knowledge? Did I perceive this as my highest potential because that is what I felt was the most I could achieve? The consumption cycle. It is a lot to come to terms with and confront yourself with.