Chop Wood Checklist

 I've been able to get up the last couple of days, build a small fire and pull up a chair and observe. I've been turning over so many things in mind. I swing radically less to the material lately. Tax day was a sobering reminder. We were at the deadline looking for paperwork we already had found prior and put up for this moment. Finances, taxes, bills, oh my. The big bad boogie man. And then I remembered what we were paying for and what we're trying to accomplish here. This is the material, our over arching structure. 

So many people have died around me. It has been that way since the beginning. As if the world were showing me not to get attached to anything here. Deep inside me I have always known it could be gone in a moment, "the twinkling of an eye" - the nova of a star. Like many, I came in with inner notions that were deemed "wrong." Now, we question everything. As we should. Why and how has it come to this? Lloyd Pie sums it up when he said, "By and large, we didn't expect to be lied to. We didn't see it coming." But, when you have spent enough time observing, hindsight ...

I was sweeping in the cool morning breeze this morning, soaking in the sounds of the birds and the smell of a small burning log in my mother's fading chiminea. My brother Johnny voice comes to my mind, "My GOD, you still have that old thing?" And then the voice of Roger Trautman comes ringing in, "Our government has been highjacked by thugs!" I mentally scold myself for not keeping great upkeep of the property. I have so much history in this small spot I have been at for over ten years. I was thinking about how as a collective, we seem to be waking up to our toxic relationships, in and outside of us. My personal battle with resolve is still at time difficult. My animosity tries to present in my mind and I try to focus on sweeping. Clearing out space, inner and outer. 

As a child, I observed faulty family, faulty education, faulty community and it unfortunately extended beyond as I grew. I did expect to be lied to, misled and abused. I have witnessed nothing but corruption and exploitation all around me. This is an ingredient for creating the conspiracy dish. Here's the thing, I knew the programming outside myself was faulty. I had reminders all around me to stay true to myself. The world was reflecting things I knew to be internally wrong. I tried to resolve it as duality to make some sort of meaning. I am hopeful, but have programmed myself to expect the worst, but know it will work out for the best. 

When you are distrustful of all around you, you begin to research. I did. I needed validation. This world was not right with what it was reflecting to me. I had to stay true to what I knew and felt to be right and good. We become enlightened and begin to move forward in our healing, our recovering, our reprogramming. I had faulty programs that needed uninstalled and deleted. I needed to clear up space for new programming. What was the animosity? I didn't like it, but there is a reason it is still showing up. 

"What is the agenda here?" That is the question I pose to myself with everything now. Who has the agenda and is it positive or negative? What replenishes, what depletes and what is neutral? I wonder if I had grown up in an environment that reflected trust and security of basic needs, if I would be more appalled that we as a collective have been lied to. Was it deliberate? We were ignorant until we were not. Just as we individually become aware in the freedom of our actual choices, we become accountable adults. A member of a good functioning society. One that is aware and progressive. We didn't expect academics, medicine or government to have an agenda that wasn't part of the progressive agreement to betterment. 

What happened here? We are collectively waking up from this amnesia. An amnesia that started wearing away as more "things" began to resurface. As above, so below, as outward it is so also,  inward. This is reflective psychology, one of the most useful tools I ever put in my tool belt. It initiated observation beyond what I was feeling internally, witnessing externally, while trying to not internalize what I knew to be wrong. That is where faulty programming starting setting up file folders. The faulty programming started writing new victim programming. This was a lot to try and process. I needed to shut down. I am so grateful I did. The road toward betterment feels more rewarding and satisfying. 

So what is going on here? I ground myself with my checklist on the fridge. This week is another week of TMS, and I am nearing the half way mark. So what is happening here? My deadened neurons are "waking up" by some magnetism. Why are they so deadened? Decades of stress, anxiety, depression and illness. This was the direct result of a chaotic and traumatic childhood and adult life. The bulk of my programming coming in early, the world reflecting to me I was "wrong" and needed to suffer. The flame within me knew otherwise. My mother deserves much grace for recognizing that aspect. 

Collective awareness of faulty programming. Operating systems that go out of date and do not support older programs. I am getting physical reminders from photoshop daily. My tech is outdated, I know. Taxes are due, and feelings like I am a failure return. It is great to remind myself that there is a larger quest happening here. Growth reverberates. And the bell only just began to remind us, remind me. Chop wood, carry water checklist is what I am going to name my grounding chore chart. That is when my mind begins to defrag.