Love and Fear

 I got a test result back today that shook me. Am I surprised? No. Am I scared? Yes. My reality set in a bit deeper this morning. My heart is still racing. Am I supposed to cry? Because I want to. Do I push the fear aside and focus on what I love? I want to. There was a strangling in my throat as my heart began to ache. I have known a great deal of fear and have earnestly been on a quest to see and feel love. There are moments I witness such beauty in nature that I think I could die in this moment and feel fulfilled by this love. I thought about all the intense moments I have felt with love. And as I was marveling over a frog on my glass door, the awareness fell over my heart. I have never loved people this way.

I have been very vocal regarding my disdain for human behavior. Seriously, why would I have any sort of trust? It may be the abuse I endured that disconnects my body from physical attraction. Until I do actually feel it on those very rare moments. Rare meaning I have questioned my sexuality. No, I like men. But what about your boyfriend? He chose me. And your husband? He chose me. Both had a determined love for me that I questioned their sanity. I see now what my unhealthy emotions have done. They swung from Father to Son trauma bonds. I never questioned their love, I knew they love me deeply because they pursued me in a way I had never felt. Where does this understanding bring me in work on healthy relationships?

My worst habit is going to worst case scenario. I do plan for worst, but limit my hope for the best. That is this deep inner disdain and resentment I am trying to release. My heart is still racing. I don't know if it is fear or caffeine or meds. When I was preparing for liver failure in my mind (worst case scenario) I researched what I could do and life expectancy. That is when reality punched me in the gut. Or, as I copied, pasted and then googled, the Heterogeneous hepatic steatosis. 

Waves of awareness of what was happening washed over me. My body had created the perfect storm to culminate this moment. Menopause, no gallbladder, gastric sleeve, medications, past alcohol abuse, my diet and struggle with weight. I knew my physical body was screaming, but my mind wouldn't listen. My higher self stepped in again, thankfully. I have known all these things. I've seen them, but didn't understand clearly. Creation, the experience of love and fear. All these mingling emotions, I am grateful though. When I silence myself in this moment now, my love does far outweigh the fear.