Awake in the Chaos

 Reflections on Dreams, Evil, and the Mission for Good

I tossed and turned all night with anxiety. Which wasn't easy because I had several cats laying on me. I kept waking up saying "Oh you fuckers." In my dream I was trying to get ready for my day, but chaos was all around me. Clothes, piles of junk, people laying around. When I tried to take a shower in my dream, nothing was working. I kept trying to think positive in my dream and push through, not give into the chaotic mess around me, not engage. The more I tried to not engage in my dream, the more chaos pushed against me. I would wake up, think about a few things and fall back into the chaos. 

When I would wake I would think about how deep the perversity has gotten within my life. I have long stopped listening to any new music, if you could call it that. The mental illness in the music, in movies, online, in products has been too much for me for a while now. I listen to instrumental classic Christmas music at this point and predominately watch fake fireplaces and streams on my tv. I stopped engaging, but closer and closer the evil has moved in, trying to saturate and indoctrinate all the world around me. I don't like fighting, but it feels like I have to fight back now. 

All the perverse vices these sickened people can not control have been pushed onto us. It took major insanity to wake people up. That is how far we let this go. Now we are neck deep in shit storm and all my previous visions have come flooding back to me. A dead cat, a dead fish and two missiles. That was what I saw this summer. I've been waiting for some magical interpretation to come to me. Why? Because I didn't believe in myself enough to know I carry the truth. I carry my truth. I seem radical to my boyfriend when I start saying "This is a battle between good and evil." He still believes everything is not so divided. Gray areas are a mix of both, the dark and the light. I, on the other hand, have battled evil long enough to see it, even in the lightest of gray areas. 

What I say or write is not important, or is it? Why do I do this? Send messages out into the void? Are they letters to myself? Is this existence just a big clue? What is my truth? Who am I to have something to call a truth? What is this experience revealing to me? 

Most recently my experience is revealing anxiety because I am so sick of the chaos and perverse. Waking up in the middle of the night thinking about how all of man's darkest vices are being normalized in my waking life. And I don't fucking like it. I grew up with this shit, fought to free myself from it and here it comes, pushing its way into my life. I can turn off the radio, tv, internet. But, can I turn off a war? What is wrong with these sick ass people? If they aren't battling themselves and loosing, they are battling everything outside of them. Trees bearing rotten fruit. Rotted roots, infested, crawling through the Earth, affecting all around it. Sickening the eaters of the fruit. All this has made me tend to my own garden even more so. I don't want to produce rotten fruit. I don't want Chaos. That is my truth. It is also my truth that I do not feel entrenched in the material as much as others. And the others have been bothered by this. For this reason, I am the sick one, according to them. I am the crazy one, because I don't like their rotten fruits. 

Evil has normalized Chaos. Do you believe things you were told as a child? I don't. Why? Because of my experience with evil. I've seent it (insert mental meme here.) The battle between Good and Evil has been my life, my experience here. My understanding of existence here has differed from the majority around me, the odd one out. Until now, maybe it is the great awakening after all. I get impatient with myself and ask, "So, what, what does this mean exactly?" And I am such an asshole sometimes in my response, "What do you want it to mean. Exactly?" It is a based question really. Am I creating my reality? Why did my reality invite war and chaos in? It must have, if it is there. Right? Enough of us feel it collectively to witness the repercussions of it. Why does it matter? Because it could, in theory, end my existence here. Like so many of the nightmares of past lives I have suffered. All the end of the world scenarios in the repeating dreams throughout my life. 

This is normal for the living to fear death. I would assume. As of now, I only feel the existence. And when I think about my reoccurring dreams, I don't wake up in an afterlife. It is always another dream. Another cycle, another incarnation. What is the difference between a dream and nightmare? The anxiety level and fear induced by the imagined experience? It is all a dream to me, another place where thought exists. Perhaps that is death also. Dreams are strange, and so are visions. And there is a difference. I dreamt I was crocheting by a fireplace with Putin. I saw of a vision of the two missiles. Was it a premonition? A signpost? A clue? 

A vision for me happens like this. I will move into a state abruptly, while awake, but in my mind it is a dream I see. Just as I would as I sleep, the vision is as clear as a dream. Only, I am awake and did not take a nap. It is a very strong dream state, while awake. I have had these throughout my life. Some were premonitions that saved me, some were bizarre Earth movements and some were just like this, a dream. I have had dreams where I am levitating, like the gravity is off. That is how I feel in life, my spiritual self will dip down and put my foot on the ground, in the material for a glimpse. Almost like a body avatar I am controlling from a remote game. My avatar is engaged, living in the material, while I am off doing other things. Like a Sims game that has just been running in the background.

At first it was a hard feeling of personally being discarded to become aware. The irony was that is how I felt about my material world. It had largely left me feeling discarded, like trash. Inwardly I became very aware of the disconnect. I am learning to mend with self love. My widest view has been through the lens of Spirituality. The narrow view  has been the material. There are aspects I deeply love of the material, which are the things that keep my attached here. The beauty of the plants, minerals, animals. The view is amazing. What bothers me is the beings hacking the material up and the cruelty of it. The blatant evil and destruction. The rotted tree with poisonous fruits. Evil creates a deep pain of discardment. A complete lack of empathy. I've dealt with this kind of entity before. My body, my emotions, my mental state are revealing all this to my higher self. It has been the watcher to my God. I have witnessed. And this is what I am currently witnessing in the reality of the material. 

I'm awake. What does this mean? This means I have become of the avatar running around in the Sims game, and now I am ready to play.  I'm the Username controlling this avatar. I am checking my skillsets. Actually, I don't really play Sims. I play Diablo, so I can only compare this avatar metaphor to that. I really don't care about certain stats. I need to know what I am working with here. What tools are at my disposal. And what is the Mission? 

The Mission is for the greater good in all moments. What is the greater good? What I would deem to be innately moral to me. Who am I to deem what is moral? I am guided by an internal compass. I don't like evil things, so I would assume my needle points to good. Why do I question the duality? Because that is what the material consists of. Why do I believe this? These questions haunt me. Not material questions like whose house is the biggest. Those with the bigger houses have been in their yards yelling at me to notice how big their house is. I haven't cared. Then I realized something. They feel discarded too. They must if they are hurt by people not noticing all they amassed. Regardless of everything, that is an indication of emotion. That is the internal needle pointing toward Love. That means there is Hope. I can choose to become aware of Hope and move it towards Love. Or, I choose to believe Evil has won. 

Reality starts pulling at me. Chop wood, carry water. That is when my feet hit the ground. My knees start to ache and I dread cleaning litter boxes. I have to take a break from sharing my experience, to physically feeling the weight of it. Looming war and all. Chaos all around me, while I am trying to get ready. Just like my dream last night.