The Normies

 This morning I cleaned off my workspace and thought about what I wanted to work on next. I feel a bit at a standstill because things do feel very uncertain to me. Checking my messages put me in deep thought. Why would anyone PLAN to move to a big city now? I would think people would be trying to get out of them. These are also the same types of people going on vacations to places just devastated by natural disasters. It seems unreal to me, but I put them all in a category of the clueless normies. I have a distaste for them honestly. Not because they haven't suffered like I have. But because the normies have made it very clear to me, my entire existence here, that I am NOT normal. I am NOT like them. I have experienced difficult things.

I have a bit of a rage issue regarding these sorts of things because I have been called crazy most of my life. My eyes were opened at a young age and I could never close them to dark truths. What are the dark truths? The same dark truths being heard on the news today that the normies still don't really acknowledge. It baffles me. I begin to think to myself again, what if I just ignored it all now? Am I capable? Is it even in me? Would it be if I had an ounce of normalcy in my life? My want to push people out of the way and just tell them to shut the fuck up is still strong within me. I have been practicing tolerance and trying to pretend to be normal. I can't unsee the dark truths of the horrible perversity of people.

The first time I remember being molested was in preschool. Nothing was done. I was then raped and a victim of incest by 7, never any acknowledgement. I was continuously abused going forward, people that should have cared simply didn't. I was threatened and shamed for the abuse I had endured. I was treated like trash and discarded by those around me. When I was raped by two guys in high school and got pregnant, I decided I didn't want the life that I was expected to follow any longer. I didn't have a "normal" childhood or adolescence. I have always felt like I was on the outside, in the cold looking into windows of all the "normal" people living their lives. I was shamed for releasing my child for adoption. I have been homeless more than I have had a safe home in my life. Nothing has been normal for me. 

As a victim of rape, incest, molestation, abuse, homelessness and being shamed, my lens of this world is very different. I am not planning trips or vacations. I spend majority of my time working on my healing. I spend my time reconciling the anger. I spend my time trying to bring beauty into the dark world I have witnessed. I struggle with prescription meds that I have been on most of my life to help with all this darkness. I still have nightmares. I still struggle, so I am aware of how many of the victims coming forward now feel. And guess what? I STILL see these people without any thought to anyone or anything outside of their little normie bubbles. Are they just blessed? Are they the little "good ones" most of them portray themselves in their own minds to be? Believe me, they absolutely believe that. 

If I had darkness in me, I would be trolling the shit out of these people with every breath. I would be online trolling their fantasy worlds and trying to break them down. It isn't in me to do that. But, I had to question why I felt that way. I have acknowledged my animosity over the years. I work daily to reconcile it. Now, that so much is coming to light, many of us think now people will understand. They don't and won't. Why do I feel like I need anyone to understand? So I don't feel so alone? So I can feel redeemed for all the pain I have felt? Why do I just want to push them in their face? Are these oblivious fuckers the lucky ones? They are the blessed ones? I don't want people to suffer, truly I don't. I am angry however over all I have suffered. 

I am a couple more snips away completely distancing myself from the life that only serves to remind me of how much pain I carry. I am proud that I will instantly recognize any form of abuse and distance myself. One wrong word to me and I am out. I protect my energy now at all costs. I think that, then I realize the things that have set me off today. People living in their little bubbles of gimme gimme, do for me, while others are wrecking themselves to bring truth to the light. I have never been like them. I have never had the opportunity to be so blind to the darkness in this world. They freak out if their coffee order goes wrong. They whine about the abusive relationships they CHOOSE to stay in. They lack any accountability for what their blind eyes refuse to witness. In my mind, yes, I am stronger than they could ever hope to be. Am I better off for it?

Today I began questioning everything again. Do I simply do away with my phone completely and strive to live a life where I don't acknowledge anything going on in the world? In my mind I am ordering the platforms I want to delete, Facebook being first on the list. Why do I even blog? Why do I create? I know these things bring me peace. I don't want to cut my nose off, despite my face. I'm asking myself today what this experience means to me? Without God, or the belief in good, does it mean anything? When I fall out of alignment, I fall into darkness and there is no joy there. Am I doing this for me? Should I do more for me? What brings me joy? 

I live in gratitude because I have had nothing but pain to compare joy to. I appreciate a home, a bed, a shower and a meal. I appreciate safety. I appreciate forgiveness for those times I have fallen from good. Should I care if others don't appreciate these things? I am the only one who can answer these questions. There is a part of me that wants others, like myself, to know there ARE people who understand. Still, all the questions. All the self inquiry. If a tweet goes into cyberspace and no one reads it, does it exist?