The Material Collapse

 I fell asleep watching "trash tv" last night. I was drawn in by the people's behavior. The material world that envelops so many doesn't intrigue me, but the people participating does. It was the Love is Blind series. What intrigued me the most was the visits to the families. My anger stirred for my youth as I watched families care about their children's choices. I have wondered so many times if I hadn't had the amount of injustice and abuse growing up, and came from a loving and caring family, what could I have become? Would I be a better or worse person? Would I be on a mission to bring light to the world? What would life be like without having to work through this tremendous amount of trauma? Over decades I have wrestled with this question. 

I then dreamt I was in an abusive job where my boss was insisting everyone work 140 hours a week. When she realized I wasn't going to cave to her demands, she tried to poison me. I woke up when she was trying to shove acid into my mouth. That is how I felt of most jobs of my past, they were toxic. The people were toxic. They lived for money and materialism. They had no concept of the spiritual world, and it seems the same when I see tv shows geared toward extravagance. The show this season has definitely proven Love is not blind, but very materialistic and animalistic. I watched couple after couple fall apart due to unhealed issues. I thought, but they seemingly came from "good families" the surface level facades began to fade. I would rather have my spiritual world than be trapped in their matrix of materialism. I have long known that is what my reoccurring dreams have shown me. To that world, I am crazy. To me, they are crazy. 

Even before I snuggled up in bed with gratitude that I had a bed, fury was raging within me. It took me too long to break free from the sick people that inflicted so much damage onto me. I gave into the shame and manipulation because I wanted to feel this full life with a family and friends that I see on tv. It never happened and I haven't seen it actually happen to seemingly normal people around me that also came from surface level "good families." What is the root cause of all this dysfunction? It wasn't just money, but control and power. Parents wanting complete control over their offspring. The pursuit of money above all else. I see this even with people who claim to be from Christian families. I have actually seen in more prevalent in them. I thought back on my times in foster care with these same type of families bringing me into their homes for the money and wanting to control my every move. I still struggle from all the injustice I witnessed as a child and teenager. And even as an adult with the medical and educational systems. As it appears to all be unraveling, it is hard for me to have empathy because of the mistreatment I received. 

People did not expect that they had been lied to on such a grand scale. I did, I had witnessed time and time again. I had been vocal about it. Decades I had rationalized that without all the abuse I would not have learned the lessons. I don't think all this abuse was necessary and think that is a coping mechanism and also something who lack accountability tell others. Accountability is the buzzword now, as it should be. I want the veils to drop and the exposure to happen. I want all the lies and games people played to be exposed. Is it about vindication on my part? Maybe. I have been put through hell. Yesterday I thought about the anger I felt regarding my teen years especially and how I was treated regarded releasing my child for adoption. I still have a great deal of rage I am working through regarding how all of that played out and affected me adversely the last decade. But now, the truth is seen. I'm not the problem. Last week my emotions became very volatile and I have been longing to shut out the world again. Every time I dip my toes into the material waters, the water feels toxic and poisoned. 

The general public seems hostile. I am finding it very difficult to want to engage on any level. When I had to venture out for an appointment and errands, it felt like a very negative greeting. Nurses grilling me over meds I hadn't taken in years, making it difficult to even get an estrogen patch refill, people running red lights and cutting in lines at the stores. It is worse than before. The complete arrogance I witnessed was appalling. Car after car running through red lights, uncaring of any traffic accidents they might cause because they think their time is more valuable. I watched as a woman demonstrated very poor behavior to her daughter cutting in line and not getting service as quick as she wanted at Hobby Lobby. When they tried to jump in front of me, they quickly realized I am not the one. I am definitely a "fuck around and find out" kind of person. And it has gotten much worse. 

I didn't want to give into all the piss poor behavior I had witnessed especially over the past few weeks and deeply felt, "Be the change." My resentment bubbled over and exhaustion of trying to be the change and having people basically spit in my face. The resentment over the adoption process and relationship with my "daughter" came to the forefront. Her recent behavior and cutting me off because I didn't respond to her liking. It was reminiscent of the behavior I was witnessing on tv, at red lights, in the shops. Spoiled and selfish children is what it all reminded me of, with little control over their emotions. No accountability for their actions. That is the underlying issue of why I have little empathy left. 

I don't have chaos in my home. I have some internal chaos I battle with daily, resentment. I actually love the life I have now. A simple home means the world to me because I didn't have a home growing up. Cooking is everything because I went without food. Showers are special because I didn't have water all the time growing up. I know what it is like to bathe in creeks, gather rainwater to flush toilets and stand in long lines for a block of cheese. It took a lot for me to get to this point of half ass peacefulness. Did those things serve me? Perhaps so. Had I not experienced so much pain in my past, maybe I wouldn't be seeking deep peace today. Maybe that isn't a way to cope, but the truth. And perhaps people need to experience their own chaos to come to this understanding for themselves. It all leaves me feeling a spiritual lull, a deeper want to isolate and not engage. 

I don't want to participate in the material world at these levels. I am hopeful others will begin to see that engaging with the insanity is not fruitful. Countries and governments seem insane pushing for WW3. Power hungry and corrupt, dragging the world with them. The insanity is sickening and I am not sure how many of these people live with themselves. The psychological warfare is more disturbing than ever. What I have witnessed on the microlevel is happening on the macro. It is a reflection to the greater whole. And everything within me is saying, Do not engage with these demonic sociopaths. It would appear that the loss of power and control is making them spiral ever deeper into their own insanity. I won't pity anyone at my expense. The corrupt material is collapsing, I refuse to engage.