The Healing

 I beat myself up for watching television. I typically only allow myself to watch it in the evening after the day is done and I feel as if I have made some progress. It feels unhealthy, like binging on junk food. I was excited today for Graham Hancock's new series on the Ancient Apocalypse. My strong interest in this came early from numerous nightmares of the end of days throughout my life. I have dreamt many times over in different times of witnessing the last days. I read recently that we have a collective trauma stored in our DNA from ancestors witnessing this. I watched for three chapters when the guilt of not getting things done set in. 

I forced myself to get something done that has been weighing on me. Dealing with my finances and not cleaning up things after Mike died has been a lingering worry. It has caused me not to even deal with financial aspects. Today I worked on cleaning up some of those things, then quickly became overwhelmed. I needed to do something more, something physical to help my cause. But, I ended up in tears, going through fabrics determined to start another project. I pressured myself to design, but couldn't. I sorted bags of fabrics, tears streaming, burning in my throat. Inwardly I raged and decided to take a break and catch up on news. Mistake. Big mistake. More Diddy horrors awaited my viewing. More wars, more political theatre. More bad weather incoming. It feels overwhelming to try to clean up my laundry room. I needed this space to clean up my life. Realization came through the sorting and tears.

I changed addresses and updated apps, reminding me of Mike's death. Had I even processed it yet? I am still processing and dealing with the trauma of my childhood and the return of a child I released for adoption. This last decade brought the closure of so much, loosing every family member, Mike, my dog. I thought about how capable I used to feel. How determined I was and how much I had accomplished. Now, I can barely clean a laundry room in this moment. This is how healing feels. This is what it is like to clean up. I thought about the steps I needed to take. And I thought of others who were picking up pieces of their lives. I thought about being told over and over "You're the strongest person I know." That is a heavy load to carry. I don't feel strong in these moments. And in these moments when I completely fall apart I realize there is so much healing left to do. 

I don't believe there is a step by step guide to healing. If there is, I haven't found it. What I have found for myself is to take my existence moment by moment. I'm happy I am hard on myself, the guilt of watching TV or drinking soda is akin to the guilt I feel when I allow someone to mistreat me. I demonstrate that I care about myself in these ways. This is self love. I look back over decades of just pushing all the pain down, ignoring it and pretending nothing bothered me. It got me by. Now, in these moments, it bubbles up and over. I'm the happiest and the saddest I have ever been. I think that is what healing is. 

Graham Hancock has been on a mission for three decades and I have been in the backseat reading, watching, and agreeing. The theory that past civilizations were destroyed cyclically makes more sense than in the last 4.5 BILLION years of Earth, civilization only began 6,000 years ago. It seems laughable. I thought about Hancock's anger over not being believed or taken seriously. I thought about Diddy's victims not being heard. I thought about my own experiences. People don't want to believe anything out of the norm of what should be. Perhaps it is a fear of not being in control. Perhaps it is because it makes people feel powerless against meteor showers, solar flares, corruption and pain of others. It is easier to deny and turn a blind eye. This has been another core issue of my own that has continued to reverberate through my life. This seems to be the battle of the those that carry a truth, those that carry the flame. 

Healing is in the collective now and with it blind eyes will see. Jagged pills will be swallowed. Truth will be revealed. Veils will drop. With all my heart I push out my healing into the collective. May we all be healed. I can't help but feel as if a mass awakening will take place first. Perhaps it is the shift. Perhaps it is the end of days as we move closer to moving through the Taurid Meteor showers. If everything ends tomorrow, will these sorted fabrics matter? Will cleaning up my finances matter? What will matter in the end?