The Disgust

 We had a busy weekend at the haunt, it was tiring, but fun. While most people enjoyed themselves and had a good laugh and fun night out, the small few that were rude bothered me. I had feelings come up over this past weekend that I hadn't felt in a while and quickly began to delve inwardly to explore. Familiar faces came through that delighted me. One face came through and it threw me into self reflection. It was a face from college, over 25 years ago. He looked healthy and happy and it made my soul sing. It wasn't in a great place decades ago, but now seemed more refreshed than back then. It made me reflect on myself and  health and the feelings bubbled up and over. 

I am playing a role of a lunatic conspiracy theorist, spewing whatever comes to mind at patrons. This is a role that comes naturally to me. Not just because I am known as "a conspiracy theorist" but because I have always been pretty honest and vocal about my feelings. My lack of restraint made me seem crazy. Studying stoicism over the last few years has taught me restraint. I reflected over who I was before with the sight of familiar faces and where I was now. My instant thought of my portfolio and not designing much commercially began to plague me. I had to explore why. I chose to not engage and participate in that world and wanted to design what my heart felt. It has not been lucrative. My views have never coincided with the masses, which is where we are "supposed" to be. Being true to myself hasn't brought me money. I have been fine with that. But still I struggled with the expectation of it and it defining success.

My tooth that I have yet to have pulled has begun to ache. One of my cats, IO, is sick and needs to go to the vet. I have another appointment coming up for my breathing issues. I started feeling sick and run down by Sunday and couldn't get up to do much. I slept and had chaotic dreams the entire time. Stress initiates nightmares. I woke early this morning with a burning anger. My dreams reminding me of injustices and how depraved people are. I sweeping and started thinking about some of the obnoxious kids that came through the haunt. Then I started fuming over the last vet visit that resulted in Lady Elizabeth dying. $2000 dollars later, I had a box of her ashes. The tears came streaming. The knotted ball of fury rose in my throat. I am disgusted by the lack of integrity and morals in people today. 

Sweeping and cleaning my mind began to churn. I thought of the corrupt political arena. The degradation of our nation. The disgusting habits of celebrities and politicians. All the behaviors that have pushed me to not want to participate in the system. Right down to not wanting to design disgusting things for the masses. I can't even listen to the radio anymore, the music is horrific. Lyrics applauding the continued mental illness. Yet, I am the crazy one. I am the one portraying this view for entertainment. The guilt pushed on everyone to strive for more material gain. And there was the problem wasn't it? My lack of wanting to participate in this material world and being chastised for it over and over again. That was the feeling deep down that was triggered by the old college classmate face.

Decades ago my old mentor asked me if I could be happy just living a simple life without trying to "be somebody." At the time I thought she was only trying to keep me down, hold me back from achieving some great material dream. I didn't get it then. Maybe this is something that just comes with the longevity of living. Much like knowing whoring out your body for attention only gets you used up. The flip side of this is realizing you are being forced into participating in a material system and it is difficult as hell to get out of it. I questioned the material realm and what my biggest issue was with it. The greed was one answer. A lack of integrity and morals. The lies people tell to position themselves to obtain more money, influence or imagined power. I am disgusted. I am disgusted by our leaders, our healthcare providers, our churches and the people playing these war games. We created all this and participate in this society. I am disgusted with myself for going along. 

I won't be able to just get antibiotics for my cat. They will push all these unneeded vaccines for my cat, have to do all these tests and create another $1000 bill for what is probably a urinary tract infection. It is the same with my tooth. I can't just get it pulled. I need a bone graft, anesthesia and many other treatments costing about $4000 that I don't currently have. My rage caused me to cancel my breathing appointment. I can't deal with those people this week. My anger of them pushing their fucking covid vaccines on me infuriates me beyond what I can stand right now. This is the system I have to participate in. Should I get a portfolio together to go try to make "more money" to participate? The thought of having to engage at a deeper level pushed me over the edge this morning. 

A simple life of seclusion is fine by me until all these financial issues begin to arise. A simple job doesn't pay these kinds of bills. I stand at a crossroad in my mind of how to navigate this material world. Realizing once again this is what the repeated dreams have shown me. My struggle between what I feel internally and what the material world demands of me. Sweeping and cleaning my fury rose. It is a good thing I am not in any sort of power, I don't think the masses would like me much. I would push for integrity, morality and humility. I would bring back modesty in behavior, music and clothing. I am sick of seeing ass and sex on every screen or song that comes on. I don't find this entertaining. I don't find coked out, drunk political figures encouraging. I don't find all this depravity useful or beautiful in any sort of way. I am disgusted. I am disgusted by the violence, the judicial system and entertainment industry. I am disgusted by a health care system pushing poisons. I am disgusted by people to have taken oaths for the better good, but are continuously lie and participate in corruption. Where does all this disgust leave a person? 

My spirit tells me I have been to complacent with not voicing my feelings. I have been too silent with not calling out the bullshit in my own life.  I need to analyze where I feel pushed to participate in the demonic bullshit of the material. I need to reconcile this disgust and neutralize the anger. I need to look into myself where I am lacking integrity and not accept the poor behavior of others who don't even know what the word means. I am above all, however, grateful. I am grateful that I have within me the power and want to live a life that doesn't mindlessly participate in the corruption and degradation of this material. I am grateful for the light within.