The Rehearsal
The routine is different this morning. Eddie pooped on the floor to demonstrate his distaste for the schedule change. The cats don't get to go outside to play today, I have rehearsal today. I have been trying to prepare myself physically for the upcoming season, but I have failed. I have been unfocused and pulled into politics too deeply. I have let it affect me. It is supposed to affect, right? I'm supposed to be paying attention, right? The animosity within me boiled over into a full blown rant this morning. Triggered, by my phone and my attachment to what is currently happening in our world today.
The current stage is a reflection of the trauma of my current existence here, on Earth, at this time. In my anger filled rant this morning, it all came spilling out to Derek. Recounting the abuse, the trauma, the anger. The betrayal. All the emotions bubbled up and spilled out into the air, open windows for any ears to hear. Looking for dirt on me? Here is the dirty truth of what I come from and the dark secrets that link all this together. The crumbling is happening and in my anger this morning I couldn't come quick enough. I felt guilt this morning over my anger. The righteous anger that justifies itself. But the guilt is there for reason. I have wanted three fold retribution and that is wrong. I don't even think I want retribution. I want the shift to good to happen. And I ask myself, where is the channel source that shows you that you are unhappy? My phone. My need to feel connected, yet wanting deeply to completely disconnect. Am I dissociating? That question leads me back to the moment, today's events: rehearsal for the upcoming season and not feeling physically prepared. But the excitement is there.
It's been a year since I stopped listening to music and began tightly controlling any messaging coming in from sources outside myself working to basically emote me. I also have been struggling with an over awareness of vibration, especially sound since my experience in January. There is an amplification of my awareness in tone when I hear people speak. I am looking forward to the drive today, it is healing for me. I wondered if I wanted to listen to music, to strengthen the atmosphere. What could I tolerate hearing? Last night I fell asleep watching a 1982 special of Solid Gold. I realized the songs held a great deal of memory, both good and bad. Sound surrounded me as a child, but it was secondary to what was in my mind. The ability to connect directly with my higher self, and higher understanding. To have a stronger foot hold in the spiritual. The material is a tool from my view point.
I've long sought to live my life on my terms. I was "the crazy" that talked about the material manipulation, the matrix, long before it was fashionable. "How did you know that? How can you do that?" I'm tapped into the higher realm. You can be too, you just have to try. That became the underlying basis for my explosion this morning. Afterwards I dug down into the angry avalanche of vibrational disgust. I have been following the Diddy case closely. Why? Because it is a reflection of my past trauma and unresolved emotions. I have been very vocal my entire life about the abuse I endured. I carried the blame, guilt and shame. I was called a liar. I know the pain these people feel. Retribution couldn't come quick enough for me. So I have been obsessively checking for the latest news, waiting for it to crumble. Waiting for ... Justice? Retribution? The permission to allow myself to finally live in peace? Don't I have that control within me? I am choosing to engage with the phone.
This last week more things had come to the surface that I became aware of in my angry morning rant. How dare anyone call me and complain that they can't control their emotions, even medicine can't help. What? Same old story, I can't control my weaknesses, so everyone around me must succumb to them. Porn, sex addiction, alcohol, drugs, control, greed, perversity, my negative emotions, all these things are apparently so out of the realm of control for people, that we must all live in their depravity. I don't want to be that martyr. These people know what they are doing, it is obvious. The truth is revealing itself, because the tree is flowering the fruit. I get it, I'm tapped in too. What do we do now? What do I do with this rage? How do I control my emotions and not be a victim of them?
I set my alarm, I prepare to go to rehearsal. I am looking forward to the drive, it is a beautiful late September day. It is cool and the leaves are readying their color expression. I will go and see the people I love. I will be in the place that brings me joy. I will celebrate every day of this season. It feels like a mighty harvest coming this year. I want to savor these moments. I want to enjoy this season. I deserve it. I deserve the peace I have fought for. I am worthy of this peace of space. I am worthy. How do I maintain this space? How do I keep all the things that want to emote me, away from me? I control the engagement. I use technology at my discretion. I use it as the tool it is. I remind myself of all these things as I ready myself to go out into the world. As I prepare for the Season. Rehearsal for The Show.