The Serving

 The learning never ceases, because the knowledge is endless. It is all a vastness of infinite unknowns. The game and learning lab becomes the realization that tapping into the very possibility, will create reaction. This morning, I sat and meditated hard outside. I was fully intent on opening a positive channel of energy between me and my surroundings. There was an assault on my peace yesterday, and it rattled me deeply. Assault is such a harsh term. I don't use it without giving thought about how I am using it. Could I say this was an invasion on my peace of mind and mental state? An invasion doesn't describe what I felt. My state felt assaulted. 

I started my morning routine as I do everyday. I was calm and remembered being absorbed by the patterns on the dress I am making. I am altering the very pattern. I am responding openly to the energy waves coming in. Thus the assault on this state was very jarring. People began circling the fences. Talk about all the damage still needing to be cleaned up. Then the loud roaring of machines struck through the morning calm of birds chirping. Blowers and lawnmowers ripping around the property. Throwing up instant dust storms that whipped through my open windows. Clouds of dust with no regard to their surroundings, they are only being swept up particles, reacting violently to the intentional bursts of gas powered machines, being operated by a human. He lifted his machine and aimed it above the doors. Violently pushing twigs, leaves and dirt. I closed all my windows and remained calm. 

I was down to only having one door open to the outside when a loud roar sent waves of shattering debris. A flurry of rocks pelted against the windows like rapid gunfire. Cling clang cling, more rocks slamming against my car. Then I remembered I had the kitty litter houses by my car that I had cleaned this morning. I had hosed them and my car off this morning as I was cleaning. I immediately asked myself if what I was hearing was foreal. Was this guy seriously riding a lawnmower through the parking lot? Like, fucking for real for real? I turned old hood quick. My rage at idea! This was beyond pearl clutching or cross grabbing. Like what the actual fuck? 

Why would anyone attempt to blow leaves with a lawnmower in a parking lot? Is this normal? Then I thought, maybe most parking lots don't have chunks of debris scattered everywhere. Whey would the man expect there to be tons of stone strewn everywhere? Why are there stone strewn everywhere? Because the parking lot is constantly being dug up and re-cemented many times because of the constant leaks in the pipes. Why were there constant leaks in the pipes? Because the tree roots are expanding, foundations are shifting and shit just getting old. Things have not been maintained. My surroundings were crumbling around me. I have seen this too many times in my dreams not to recognize these patterns. Yesterday, in response to this assaulting event, I have made an effort to intentionally embark on today in peace. 

As much as I wanted to devote my full attention to peace, there was this lingering worry. How was Derek going to respond to my outburst of emotion yesterday. Because I, in all honesty, completely lost my shit and reacted in a pure state of emotion. Not psycho emotion, but anger at this feeling of assault. What was driving this emotion in me? Why was I running through reaction response scenarios? Why was I preparing myself for any response? Truly, I asked myself why was I doing this? What was my true response to the feeling in myself that engaged this rage? It was a reflection of our direct response to what is driving the energy around us. I internally screamed, "This is exactly what is wrong with our society and our country." This is a reflection of individual spaces within states of being. I gave that a great deal of thought this morning. 

When Derek came downstairs I was at my desk cutting swatches of fabric. I was working on patterns in my fabric piece for my dress. I needed to expand the pattern. My mind was churning when he came in with a smile. I was relieved and fought the response of "oh we just going to play like I didn't loose my shit  yesterday? Cool, cool." I stopped the old response program. He was laughing at Eddie sitting on all my fabric as I was cutting. I was used to working around Eddie. He was always sitting on everything I was currently working on. He is my mini-me. My little furbaby. One of many, but he is my special Eddie and he knows it. It was actually Eddie who made me realize the extension of my energy field and how I am directly interacting with the energy field around me. 

I went to close the front windows to guard my sanity this morning. Eddie moved right ahead my energy as my hands swung to close the windows. I laughed. Of course, you would jump in the window I am trying to close. He always does that. He also always darts out the door as I am trying to close it. Jumps onto anything I am writing or typing. And onto fabric I am cutting and sewing. It was funny outwardly that he moved through the energy of energy I was expanding out. Energy just moving around. How much was I directing the energy and other objects were just getting caught up in my personal orbit? Was I actually pulling things into my orbit? Or was I unconsciously expanding out my energy like a water hose flowing free without the restraint of the gardener. 

All this reflection around me, water, hose, kitty litter pales. I had to rewash all the dirt off them yesterday. My car is still filthy by the way. On and on went the disgruntled chatter. That's right, I was closing the GD windows so ... easy I reminded myself. Close the window in haste like a lawnmower whipping through rocks on pavement? The internal dialog began to quiet as I was cutting fabric. Becoming aware of the scissors shearing through the cotton fabrics for the dress I am currently making. I love this fabric. I love creating these fabric collages. I am loving this new herbal mix I concocted yesterday. The hysteria drove me to what feels like an epic batch of butter. What was this again? Oh yea, I on a whim tossed the labels without documenting the strains. First time I have done that in years. I did not peel off the labels and adhere them to my journal, tracking my weekly intake. I decided yesterday in response to this assault, I was on vacation from the journals. All the journals. 

Down came Derek from upstairs. He was coming down the hall and I was scanning every movement, every emotion, assimilating data to ready my response. Round two, I knew it. Here comes the victim card. Nope, its manipulation? A spat ensued. Neither one of play that shit, so we quickly through our cards on the table. What is all this really about? "Is it that I get more sleep?" 

"No! It's that I'm not!" I then made a promise to him that I would never, ever get on a riding lawnmower, and mow a pebbled parking lot. Which would then splatter the entire complex with raining debris. I feel confident that I can make this promise." He understood all the emotions, and was just tired. And he stated it, "I just need sleep." I encouraged him to go, go sleep. I got this down here, go rest. Giving in just a little, "I get why you are angry, I do." I knew he got it. But was he really getting it? Was I really getting it? I tried to calm the energy, "I am sure he didn't expect the parking lot to have all the debris laying in it." My justifying what happened then made him angry. "Seriously who the fuck mows a parking lot though?" My heart thanked him. We both were on the same page. So I interjected the space with, "It's all just a reflection of what is currently going on with our country and our world." That was a space neither one of us wanted to engage in now. 

I closed all the front windows and returned to cutting my fabric. Thinking about all that had transpired. I thought about my energy and the expansion of my personal field. I thought about the perimeters of where my safety stopped, and where I had planted my rental flag. I needed to reinforce my exposure to the outside elements today. They were obviously something I wasn't in control of right now. I can only control what is right before me and respond to what is immediately around me. I can assess my safety. I can begin to try to control the inflow and outflow of my energy. Internally I am screaming, "You don't try, you DO!" Control your environment and your response to it. 

There is so much flowing into my mind now. Thinking about my mother's new age "it's all an illusion" teachings. It's the Matrix, The Program, The Great Deception. Yes, yes, it is a lot to take in, just relax I remind myself. Ground yourself. Find your center point. Take control of your immediate self and surroundings. The learning never stops because the information and knowledge is endless. Because I live in an expanding universe. My space is vibrating with life, as is with all around me. In this space I can best serve myself optimally. In each moment choosing awareness and using the awareness for the good. In this state, I serve myself and my immediate environment in the most positive way.