The Call

 My battle between the Spiritual and Material rages within. Why have I become obsessed again with checking the news? I know the answers. I fell away from my Spiritual mission through the constant engagement in negative before. I worked hard to separate myself, and now I return to the struggle. Balance, I remind myself. Outwardly, I am witnessing the World Stage begin to balance itself. My universe has felt like an unrehearsed murder mystery night, where I am winging it. Things have been feeling very chaotic. The chaos revealed in my dream last night.

I dreamt of my brother Johnny last night. We spoke on the phone. I knew he was on a different plane, or heading there. I saw him in my mind's eye driving his motorcycle to the mountains. He kept telling me it was cold. Several times he repeated it was cold. I reflected on my time in the snow mountains. It terrified and amazed me all at once. It was cold, so high up. I was so terrified to look down, but it was breathtakingly beautiful. It was cold. I told Johnny the cold was worth it and I thought about my times learning to sled. I was haunted though when I woke up. It was good to communicate with Johnny. I knew all was well. But, he reached out for a reason. Was it because I have been feeling chaos, or because he is heading to mountains, away from the chaos? 

Last night I had made the decision to limit my phone usage again. It has been out of control. I am constantly checking X. Then the news to see how far behind they are lagging in their reporting. Then further watching the distortion happen between factions of news. It was interesting because I could see a pattern emerging. A lot of people see these patterns now. It felt like I knew others were having similar observances, but it wasn't clear who they were. Facebook wasn't a place to find them, Instagram certainly wasn't, I had hope for TikTok, and YouTube, but I couldn't resonate. I connected on X and just had to know everything. What exactly is it I am expecting? What is it I just HAVE to KNOW? 

I intended to sew today, I still do, but pulled out the fabrics before the laptop. I have a blanket I am wanting to finish today. I am ready to work on a different project. I want to get focused today. I reminded myself of the plan to reduce time spent online. That is when I remembered my dreams from last night. The questioning if my dreams mean anything at all? I started questioning my work on my Cosmic Book and my dream vision. My hopes began to deteriorate before me. Balance I remind myself. Stayed focused and ask yourself what is the outcome you are expecting and how does it differ from what you would want? Have you identified the objective here? The want? You say you want peace, but you are obsessively looking at the news. What is it you are worried about? 

My material mind crashes in and reminds me I should be worried about everything around me! I'm overwhelmed by these dental issues again, my blood pressure is up and I am exhausted. I have been feeling this electric energy buzz around me and in my ears. I assume it is my blood pressure rising and falling. I live in a sanctuary, by my own making and choice. I accomplished the goal of escaping the world and being the monk in the monastery, the dream of Spiritual dedication. My goal to heal myself and heal the world around me. The path to betterment. I was here in the moments I dreamt of. Would I want them better? Honestly, yes. I'd love a little pond or fountain. Dreamtime would be a pool with a fountain, then I might be golden for a minute. Is that materialism? 

I have exhausted myself with observing what is going on in the news. How could we not? Everyday is a Historic day. It is like a relationship with a psychopath that is just hanging all out zapping you with the look of interrogation. The gloves off moment when each person is revealed in the relationship and there is no going back. This feeling in the relationship is best described by Pelosi "We can do this the easy way ..." I thought about in relationship in that context. Who is the psychopath and who is in control? Define the terms of easy and hard. I tried to put this into context I could relate to, my own relationships with psychopaths. I thought about all  my relationships and how I had spent the past years evaluating every aspect of my life and self. What was this psychopathic resonance? 

I feel like I come into my strongest self when I am spiritually connected. My material connection doesn't feel safe without a great deal of effort. As someone who has had to find safety for myself from a young age, I didn't want to give this all my energy now. It has been a long time goal to live my life on my terms. It has been a life long journey of being true to myself. The overwhelming insecurities come crashing in when trying to meditate. The reality of nature demanding my attention. Snap, snap, pay attention! My immediate emotional response is, "Ugh, you again? What is it now? What irrational thing have you done?"

I ground myself by asking what can be done right now in front of me? What needs my absolute attention in this present moment? Dental issues. Working on my plan for dental, what are the next steps? What is actionable now? What is on my chop wood, carry water list? 

It is 10:01 in the morning. Wednesday, August 14, 2024 at the top of my browser window. I can't decide where to put my energy. What is the most profitable task comes first to mind, and I wave it away. Too hasty. What is profit currently even mean? What serves my well being and those around me the best? The entangling of material and spiritual are more complex than I had recognized. I was in the chaos and my brother was phoning in my dreams. He was heading for the mountains, it was cold. I had been to those mountains in that realm. I haven't answered any deep internal questions this morning. I haven't resolved my X focus yet. There are still wars happening. I'm still way to much in my own head and constantly questioning my reality. Drilling myself on optimal choices and thoughts. This does not feel peaceful.