Fighting for Balance

 Yesterday, I got to see the massive amount of infection in my jaw. I am on a round of antibiotics and am determined to allow myself to rest. So I have fought with journaling this morning. I wanted to sink into my chair, and look at pretty graphics until I am inspired for a theme. The nagging in my mind to find something to worry about wouldn't go away. I am not above locking my phone away so I don't check X for world updates. Then the arguing in my mind comes. This is the most pivotal time in world history as our civilization knows it, maybe you should be paying attention. Are we world wide working through our victimhood? Why is there so much fighting? The constant fighting. 

I fought bitterness this morning while sitting at my desk. I have got to work on my health, period. It has to come front and center before I loose my ability to interact here in this reality. This is my vehicle. This is my temple. I spent time thinking about how and why I dismissed my body so much. It was a vehicle that brought difficulty. My imagination saved me. I trusted my mind. I trusted in a strength that is beyond me. That thing I could tap into when I needed to. I have a disconnect with the physical. That has become so obvious to me. Being more spiritual than material made me crazy. I was told this and fought hard not to believe it. 

The argument came while waiting for my coffee to brew. The questions incoming like end of the world tweets. I should be able to go and purchase food without worrying that it is nothing but poison. I should be able to go to the market and not worry about what is being sprayed in the sky. I shouldn't worry that someone will get shot while I am outside. So much fear. What did I know was reality now? Countries are at war, there was an assassination attempt on a President. Our weather has been chaotic. Grocery prices are going up and I am lacking finances to get my teeth fixed. It felt pretty bleak. I didn't want to dwell there. But, I didn't want to ignore the reality around me. The material reality around me was falling apart, including my body. 

I sit down at my desk and question if I am drinking a cup of mold and it is making my sinuses worse, pushing down on the sinus floor, creating this unbearable throb in my gums. My shattered tooth scrapping my tongue, throbbing. I remind myself to shift the focus. Look outside. Listen to the cicadas. There is a breeze today, moving the mosquito net around. My actual reality as I knew it to my higher self was this. Right now, in the immediate, you are sitting peacefully, aware of your thoughts with a tooth ache. Take an aspirin and focus on beauty. It is that simple. I began to question what chaos was disturbing this ordered simplicity? The tooth. Without the pain of the tooth from ignored decay, I might not be as aware of what is going on in the material world. I can stay In-Spirit and work out solutions for material problems. I can see the simple steps to begin to solve the problem. How does this not occur again? I need to focus more on my health. 

I can see the realms clearly now, the material and spiritual. Accessing a higher consciousness feels more natural and peaceful than the chaos of reacting from fear and chaos emotionally. Yesterday, I failed myself. I did loose my temper and I fell into my lower self that was just an asshole. I have forgiven myself and apologized for my behavior but want to remedy the "triggers" for my falling into a lower state. I was frazzled. I was in pain. I was emotional. I was not centered. I was working on solving a problem and the problem overwhelmed me. These micro feelings were being reflected on the macrocosm. Pain, overwhelm, fear, it was in the material world on the world stage currently. Wars, inflation, climate change. I center myself knowing heal myself and I heal the world. Be the change. Ground control doesn't have to be a snap of irritation by bitter material fingers. Where did I want to land now?

What was happening on the physical and what needed to be done. Rest and healing, that simple. I needed to focus on my health and healing before I could function in the material realm. Before I could listen to that inner nagging of "And you know what else? You don't owe anyone else jack shit. And what are you preparing for? A material world that is collapsing and in chaos?" Where was the ground I wanted to land on? What was the goal at this exact moment? Centering and healing my body to have the energy to wrestle with material problems. 

I've been walking toward to the outlet to pull the plug for a bit. Circling it, wondering what it meant or what I wanted that to mean. Pull the plug on the material for a bit. Allow myself the freedom and space to reject the world for just a bit to heal. Hasn't that been what I was doing? No, I have been sitting across from the fountain of healing, recognizing it, but now allowing myself to be immersed in the healing waters. But the fountain generates power from the material. Are you just going to lay in a tub of still water. Yes, maybe. I wonder if I can find a clearance kiddy pool this late in the season? I am two antibiotics in and I am already feeling a little better. Does that mean push yourself because you are feeling a little better? No pain no gain fatty mcfat mcfat. That is what the material mob is screaming at me. The spiritual realm reminds me I am making the choice here, it is my freewill. Why was it necessary to pull the plug and stop the flow of water into the fountain? 

If I remove the nagging of get things done, snap snap, chop wood, carry water; what would I want to fill my space with? I had food, water and security in this moment. Immediate medical issues are being addressed. There was absolutely nothing pressing to do but the things I want to do. I want to create halloween graphics, I want to sew, I want to write, I want to fall down a rabbit hole of intrigue. I wanted to work on my cosmic book. Was this all creative chaos I just needed to start to make some order in? What did I want to create in this space currently, with the world unplugged outside of me? What was this emotion teaching me?