The Resistance
What is it that has created me? In my deep delve to reveal more about myself, I took up once again, my search on Ancestry.com. The last time I engaged in this was before my mother died, she was wanting to know more about her heritage. With all the latest advances in the early 2000s, it seemed much easier. I was to search for exactly what “Indian Blood” there was in our family line. Being in the south in America, most people had a genetic mixture of Native American, European and African. This is because of how America was colonized, starting in the 1500s. Before that, records are scarce for several factors, wars, plaques and civil unrest. I began to care more about reading this as an adult than I ever did in any class. I began to care more about my ancestors. I rejected anything I was told, because inwardly I distrusted everyone around me, rightfully so, but was aware of what they believed.
I grew up with Native American art all around me, as many people did in the south. It was a heritage they wanted to remember and hold sacred. The other part of me, I was told, was Irish. This made sense to me because I was very light, freckle in the sun and have lighter thin hair. I honestly didn’t care at the time. I didn’t have reverence for my ancestors because I had no reverence for my parents as I got older. The horrors of my life drove me to want to distance myself from all of them and anything that had to do with my past. I allowed guilt to pull me back in, time and time again.
My boundaries started being set with deaths. Both natural parents and siblings are all dead. I am the only one still alive in our original family unit. Within a span of four years I lost both brothers, my first husband, my dog and most recently a cat. I have also been living in post Covid world. We are not even sure what this means anymore. Our entire world is unraveling right now. Recent assanation attempt on Trump, Biden’s cognitive functions declining and countries at war. Natural disasters have been increasing and the energy has escalated to an all time high. Systems are collapsing and paradigms are being overturned, all around our globe. Our little watery gem floating in the vastness of what is this place?
I did have a quest as a child to “know thyself.” I have spent a great deal of time in self analysis mode. In the last three years, I set out on a quest to know myself more than I had ever devoted myself to before. I learned a great deal. I learned what depression really is, I learned about ADHD. I learned I was in menopause, I learned about estrogen. I had a colonoscopy. I did a lot to understand what I need to focus on with my body, and mind. Spiritually, I honestly feel, I am okay, I think I got this. That had been my primary strength. The holy trinity within, mind, body and spirit. That was my goal. During the process of researching my personality traits, I came across this term “The Integrated Wizard.” I liked that. It was termed as the highest aspect of my archetype and personality. Fully integrated, functioning optimally. All of this represented peace in my mind. Right now while living in complete chaos, I desperately needed to feel some sort of peace.
In a world spinning out of control, what did I have immediate control over? Only myself. I realized I had to save myself and work toward the good. That was the one thing I required of myself. I have a resilience and strength that astounds me. This is why I have always felt it was Spirit leading me. I had faith because I had been shown my world, not told, not inwardly. Outwardly, I was being told many things that did not resonate with this higher spirit. That is why holding the quest of “know thyself” has been near me always.
When I hopped back into Ancestry.com, I did it on a free trial basis, meaning I have about ten days to get in as much research as I can. I can’t afford another subscription. And as the fear of inflation rises, I remind myself to stay grounded and focused. Focus on the mission. What was this mission here? What was the goal? Why am I centuries deep into ancestry timelines? Because in my quest to know myself deeper, I needed to look at every aspect one could do this, from the spectrum of palmistry, to family trees. Family lineage was one of my resistances. As it has been throughout my life.
I long ago recognized the unhealed trauma from my childhood. I wanted to distance myself as an adult. I changed my phone number and I did the complete opposite of what it meant to be The Integrated Wizard. I fell into the darkest aspect of my personality and did the one thing therapists had been cautioning me not to do, completely isolate. I had been feeling these changes within me and started preparing those people I loved around me. I announced my plan of going “Dead to the World.” What this meant was: I am about to Ghost the World. No offense, but I am going full on ghost and only the spiritual can access me now.
So here I am today, this Monday, July 15th, 2024. This historic time in history. We are aware that we are progressing and these are growing pains. This is our collective healing and becoming collectively self aware. Becoming aware of the individual within the whole. The spiritual aspect of me describes this as “The Christ Consciousness” because right now it is our one term to describe this. And there is the dispute. My disdain for my ancestry, religions and the world gave me a lot to overcome. I think we are collectively coming to terms with all of this. I am becoming aware of all this, my thoughts contributing to the collective.
