The Apprentice

 Realizing I know absolutely know nothing is scary to me. When you live in your own head and observe the world from your own point of view, you can only make assumptions from that space. It is only my shoes I have walked in, the path to authenticity. I feel collectives uniting in my spirit, but I don't mentally understand why. I only knew my experience and believed my experience and became aware of responding to my natural feelings were wrong, or different from others and needed to be taught how to understand my experience. That is the programming. There are terms here in which I haven't understood the dynamics of experience. I haven't been able to relate mathematically, is what this means to me. My expression of understanding is different, regardless of what I am programmed with. Trying to express this has been very difficult for me. What comes out of my mouth often is different because my thoughts have no context to convey. Do you get me, I ask myself. Who is the expression and who is asking for understanding? 

I haven't been able to let go of this recent Joe Rogan Experience with Terrance Howard. The mathematics out the gate, I didn't get. That isn't my language and it makes me sad that I am so ignorant of it. It is bizarre. My low math skills brings down my IQ. I was told this directly by the person administering the evaluation. Over my experience math has been an issue and I was told it was because I was an artist. I believed this later in life when I met other artists and we all struggled with math. It's weird, why is that? It isn't our native language, which has made me feel hella ignorant my entire life. The ignorance was confirmed during this evaluation. It wasn't the math portion that got me, it was the resonance and the flower of life. Those terms I can understand. Let's take the baby out of the bath and throw out the dirty water. Now, we have a baby safe to the side, an empty tub and a need for fresh water. 

I am always in a state of asking myself why I am doing what I am currently doing and what the goal and repercussions are. Every moment I am satisfied that I am engaging my mind, obtaining knowledge, evolving. What I am eating I am making a choice about my body. I am very aware I ate chili dogs yesterday. I am aware of my weight gain. I am aware and defining what this means to me in the terms I understand them. I lack discipline in a lot of areas. But, I know what awareness is. I know what the evolution of thought is. I know the questioning propels me forward in this process. The search for more answers. The lack of knowledge or tools that strongly inhibit this. There is a search for mentorship with the universe. The positive of my ignorance is the understanding that I am and have no hangups in limiting programs I am fighting against. And if I do, I am becoming aware of them.