Expression of Experience

 The moment I felt the shift this morning, I was inspired to write. Not even 20 minutes ago I was feeling defeated, broken hearted and questioning everything. How did I fall so far, so fast? Another death, I haven't been managing my meds apparently, so lack of sleep, and then I gave into bad habits. I plunged back into watching the news obsessively because of the debate. I was tired, didn't feel like cooking and started eating more processed foods and sugar. I played video games more than usual. I have not been cleaning everyday and the fear of loosing all my progress overwhelmed me to tears this morning. 

Everything felt hopeless. Then I started connecting to spirit.What was this? So many years I questioned if I was disillusioned. If in our saddest states, we wanted to believe there was something more, so we created a world outside of ourselves to call on. I watch my cats and wonder their thoughts. I have over the years wondered if you raised humans with no idea of a God, would they naturally come to one? I think, regardless I know good and I define good as God, Source. Growth and expansion don't happen without some sort of discomfort, or does it? So if I believe in the greater good of expansion, things can only ever be as they are. Therefore, all is as it should be. Right? 

This morning I did, in fact, mentally pull myself, or was pulled up into my higher place where I am at peace. The connected space, being in-spirit. I realized in the moment I was watching my ferns and wind chimes sway around in the breeze. The sun is casting shadows on the outside concrete, creating pools of white light. The birds are chirping and then, the cicadas and my heart melts. I start grounding myself, becoming aware of how there isn't anything wrong that isn't fixable. I have an appointment about my sleeping med tomorrow, I am crying way less about Lady Elizabeth, and what is going on in the media, is so alarming, yet fascinating at the same time. All these things contributed: eating unhealthy foods, not cooking and connecting with my meals, feeling sorry for myself for yet another loss, not getting my meds refilled and obsessively engaging in alarming information, not following my schedule and routine.

I had just effectively grounded myself once again. What was the process? As I thought about what it was, the idea of the plant world unfolded within me. What did the tree need to grow so strong? Sun, rain, soil, a good environment to plant roots and resilience. I realized why I have never been able to buy into the game, because I don't think happiness is bought. The tree doesn't need money to live. I have never thought money was essential to happiness, it hasn't been my driving force. What has? The beauty of this world, this experience. 

Exploring what this experience means to me moves me into a state of feeling grounded. Sitting with myself and defining in the moment what my authentic needs are in those moments and who was in control of giving that to me. Feeling connected and thankful in the moment is what I seek. What leads me there and what detours me? What are my tools? How did I build this space of inner connectedness? 

There is a lot to explore in this experience, I'm just opening up fully to what it is. My want to project my dna so I could see it is my physical form. I had a duh moment, which has been happening much more lately. The most obvious answer is what I am doing right now. Exploring myself and life to see what it is reflecting back. I am the expression of the essence. What was my world truly expressing back to me?