The Quest

 How do I know me? Let me count my ways. Numbers create fear in me. It is generated from my mathematical ignorance and inability to understand mathematical language. It is foreign and intimidating to me. It isn't something that has come naturally for me and I have struggled with it. This has come up in thoughts as I have been studying and trying to understand Sacred Geometry. This has led me to Pythagorus. This rabbit hole opened to meet another and connected for me. The connection came while reading about Pythagorus's belief in reincarnation. 

Why are we throwing babies out in the bathwater? I have been contemplating that expression a great deal because I feel like that is what I am doing when I crumple up everything and start over. I need to rethink or reframe some thoughts now. I have been asking myself where the bias came into my understanding and what the initial feeling was that triggered a bias. Is it still there? Why the resistance and why does it not make sense to me? Why the lack of resonation? Why does it matter? Why am I questioning the thoughts of incarnation. Is it my definition of the soul? 

These have been huge questions I have been posing. In trying to organize my thoughts I do get frustrated and just want to go back to the beginning of what we know. Throughout my life this has brought me back, repeatedly, to ancient civilizations. Why? Because I could see and feel the flaws that were being presented to me in many aspects as I developed. I saw the discrepancies very early, and often pointed them out. This was my resistance to conforming to anything that didn't resonate with me. I've been asking what it means to be true to myself since I was five or six. Ever since the ceramic yellow ducky I received as a gift from my mom's friend Shirley urged me to do that. Things were not and are not jiving with my internal truth. It feels deeper and needs exploration.

This is what matters to me. If I am truthful, none of this other stuff around me does. Asking myself these big questions and exploring for the answer is all I want to do. Why am I like this? The question is part of my essence. It is what drives me, my passion, my quest. I seek knowledge, wisdom, beauty, justice. I want to do good, serve good and radiate good. Good means growth, expansion, evolving to me. I have watched the growth and destruction cycle. I understand the basics of energy. My understanding of reincarnation is natural. I haven't studied the great philosophers like I have always wanted. The realization came upon in that moment.

I am living in the greatest time of my life. I have access to a great deal of knowledge. It is almost akin to an ancient journey to a library far away. I have arrived at the library, tired, but very anxious. There is so much I want to know. In my mind's eye, I am running from shelf to shelf with excitement. Where do I even begin? The best place to begin is at the beginning. My immediate voice says, "Whose beginning? The Earth? Our society?" I need to know if you have an attachment to a dogma, or an agenda other than to learn and grown. I outwardly and inwardly ask myself that question. What is the dogma around reincarnation? Is it woowoo? Pythagorus didn't think so, neither did Plato, or even Jesus. 

As a collective, we feel deceived. I feel deceived and have felt that since I can remember starting to experience. It is an intuition. Oddly, you can also get a deep intuition about something you know nothing about. And since you know nothing about the thing, you (I) blindly accepted that their truth was the truth. The consensus, the collective as you would want to present it. The collective I see now isn't buying into the BS anymore. I watched this last night as Fauci is now being questioned about Covid. It has been hard to see the toppling of it all because we have been standing in falling rubble. We are getting distance and seeing things more clearly now. It is fantastic to think I have the opportunity to compare what is happening today, to events in history. I can study the cycles. I can learn and research. This is why this is an important time to me now. 

If I were to open myself up to my imagination to tell a story, it would start here, with me, pondering my existence. Am I just a character in a knight's tale? Who is the character? I have revealed who I am for the most part. I think, behold my art: my designs, my writings, my TikTok videos. Feel this presence that exists in the world I used to beg. Now, I try to reflect. What have I reflected? I want shortcuts. Maybe I want spoon fed the data. I want to take a drop of my blood, holographically display all that is within the DNA and begin to study what is there. This deep feeling that we carry something more within us, dare I say, even deeper than what we consider a soul? It almost feels disrespectful to ask, but the question is there. Higher and higher I climb into these realms of thoughts, and then I feel uneasy. It is the form around me tugs at me, chop wood, carry water. Why is that split there? Is it simply moving from 3d to 5d and I am on the stepping stone of 4? It isn't just a tug from form or "reality" around me. It is a tug from something higher that says, "All will be as it is, just be." But, I want to know why?

I can balance these worlds I continually think. It is that slab of concrete between the worlds I dreamt of for so many years. I scold myself to structure my time better, print my schedules, organize my task list, place a grocery order. All of this form around me needs attending to. And in those moments, I want to just get lost in the libraries and give into the seeking. I would sacrifice this reality to give myself over to the higher realm of seeking. I would relinquish. Don't act in haste and give into spirit so easily. You still have a quest here. What if I merge these quests? How do I balance these realms? I need a map.