The Landing

 The last few days have been extremely difficult. The pain I feel in my heart at moments is unbearable. I thought I would have had more time with her. She was blooming and the head was picked off the flower. I think about the flower's life when I deadhead my blooms outside. The wilted flowers past their full bloom is snipped off at the base, to encourage new growth. Pruning trees, weeding gardens, destroying pest nests out of necessity. When I see the new growth, my heart is full, when I have to remove the dying, it hurts. I fell hard on the other side of my faith over these last few days. That painful area of complete disconnect from all that is. 

In 2008 I had a friend going through the crisis of collapse then. Everything she told me came true. She saw with precision what was happening and actually gave me many clues. She was a mentor I prayed for that showed up in Eureka. Many people during that time felt the coming of this great shift. They took some hard financial knocks and I watched the karma unfold into dharma. There was a moment of witnessing that I revisited this past few days. My mentor was beyond frustrated at what was happening. I see now she was more plugged in than I even realized then. I truly see a naive self looking back at that time. My friend was telling me how angry she was that this was happening and how "God" couldn't show up in her life to even manifest a paper clip. I remember thinking, it is a paper clip, can you make one? But, I get it now.

I prayed for a miracle when I got the call that Lady Elizabeth had gone into cardiac arrest on the table. I did not expect this. I was planning for her to come home and use start building memories of healing together. I have seldom, if at all, have prayed for a miracle. I never ask for anything, even in my life. And when I did, it came at a hefty price. I needed a miracle to show up for me, and it didn't. I needed a paper clip, but there wasn't one. That same disappointment I have felt over and over in my life. Most of the time, I push through it. These past few days, I didn't have the strength. Loosing my faith and falling into angst was the opposite of feeling so completely connected to everything. I immediately began to blame myself for everything. I created this, I manifested this, this is my karma. I denied my inner voice and it came as a painful reminder not to do that. Was this punishment? 

I often need grounding from floating high into atmosphere of imagination. I have to pull myself back into reality when I am so caught up in a project, I don't want to let loose. That connection I have when creating, being led by the muses. Have I greedily been sucking at the hose? All I felt for certain was abandoned, alone and disconnected. This reoccurring sadness and my want to not be a victim. What pulls you through when the faith is gone? This has felt like a crash landing. I'm on the ground, picking up debris again.