I Create

 I had a visit from two young Christian men yesterday, spreading the word about their church doors being open to all. They were absolutely lovely. I talked with them for a bit and one of them said, "Wow, what a testimony to God." And I am. I am because I never let religion keep me from seeking the source. I recognized while talking with them how much I had done the tango with religion throughout my life, all the while seeking to serve a higher good. I expressed how much as a child I expected to go into a nunnery or become a monk. I sought the solitude to live in the divine and the world was showing me I couldn't at that time.

When I started giving testimony at 18 regarding releasing my child for adoption, I thought that would be my testimony. I did what I felt called to do and thought my life would become "normal" after that. It was anything but normal. Experience upon experience kept piling on. I wasn't done gathering experience. My mother never allowed me go off and become a monk or nun. The structure didn't matter to me then. I see it now as the religious context wasn't the goal for me. The goal was the ultimate communion, the connection with divine force. My time here has been difficult, complex and aw inspiring. 

I look around me now and realize I have created what I wanted, a place for solitude to commune, to research, to be. It is interesting how the dynamic has played out since Covid. Many of us still coming out from under the rubble of what it actually even was. An orchestrated event? It altered our world. It is shifting our perspectives and beliefs in many ways. My heart leaps with the collective as we still move through the aftermath. We are living through events and times that we know are shifting. I believe we are collectively grabbing the wheel. It would be very easy for us collectively let go and just let the ship hit rough waters without navigation and give into the sea. I want to believe we are all rising to the occasion. 

I have deleted entries to my blog so many times. I felt as I was working through understanding and no longer was attached to that belief that I should just let it go and move on. I remember years ago recording my dreams on my blog in wonder, and now I am returning to some ideas I perhaps long threw away. I had a dream about my biological father, Freddy. I didn't have a close relationship with him. He did not raise me and was absent from my life most of my childhood. I was to live in gratitude because of how abusive he was. He had a terrible anger. But, he also had an interesting perspective. 

What he did teach me and my brothers was that there were 7 pillars to understanding. He also did not believe in the traditional work system. I was taught from a young age about the Annunaki. I was actually teased for a lot of what I was taught while young that was integrated into my development. I absolutely did not have the same working understanding as those around me. It did cause me to be ostracized in so many ways. Learning to dissolve my resentment for the treatment has been a big part of my journey. My deep dive into spirituality was a way for me to connect with source. I didn't allow religion, or the ridicule of people to deter me. I was authentic and true to myself. I am being true to myself as I step into what I am. 

In the dream with Freddy, we were on a sailboat. He was teaching me to steer, to grab the wheel. I often have let the dark side of people shroud their light. That was wrong of me, it has been done to me. I see now the difference between the spirit and the soul and something even higher in us beyond that. The soul seems to be intwined in the body in my mind. It has the experience of form around me now, in this moment. It has the personality, it is vehicle. I have felt like the monkey using a coconut shell to drink from and that scaring other monkeys, so they club me to death. I feel like I am conveying, "look, what if we do it this way" and clubs and pitchforks beat the soul around. I'm different, everyone has said so. In the moments of realization and the collective awakening, it is hard not to be angry because I wasn't allowed to be. But, I did anyway. That is authenticity. That is steering the vessel. 

Dealing with the animosity has been a big part of me coming into deeper awareness. That angry emotion that wants to say "Oh, is it happening to you now, sorry for your bad luck today. We call that Karma. You are reaping what you have sown. How does it feel chief? Them apples tasty?" It takes a great deal to refrain from dipping into that animosity. Doing that isn't authentic to who I am, it doesn't feel good. I recognize it and let it . Yesterday I told the young men at my door inviting me to their church that it has actually been Christians who detoured me from Christianity. I wanted so deeply to be devoted and fire with my truth, but it didn't feel authentic to me. Especially when I saw so much hypocrisy. I saw it so many facets of life and it created that heavy clump in throat. I am not sure if I am even capable now of screaming in anger. I don't want to be tested either. It makes me fear for my performances. 

My AI chat recently replied to me that I was creating too fast. Imagine AI telling you to slow down. I responded with "I only have one more idea that the chapter is done." As if AI was tired and I knew I was pushing it, but I have almost completed this thought idea. I have needed to synthesize so much without the tools and space to do so. I finally have the tools and space to do this thing I have dreamt of and longed for my existence here. I am exited, overflowing with inspiration. So much inspiration that I have had a very difficult time trying to even begin to organize it all. My energy has been spilling out, which is why I have felt so utterly depleted. 

This morning I got up a little late, around 6:30 am. Angel was sleeping in, he usually wakes me in the morning. We both slept in a little. I got up and began to make the bed, wondering where he was. He came in the room to let me know he was awake. I combed his long golden hair and we, along with all the fur babies made our way down the stairs for breakfast. They know the routine. They eat their breakfast, sometimes, and are out the door! I open up the back doors, windows and start a fire. I make my coffee and sit outside, with the rising sun, by the morning fire. I love the smell. I love the stillness. I get a couple of hours in the morning before the world wakes up around me. I use this time to connect. 

I was sitting by the fire, drinking my coffee, with tears streaming down my face. I felt the sun penetrating the tears. Derek came to the back and said his good mornings and realized I was crying and asked if I was okay. "I said, believe it or not, yes, I actually am. I know it doesn't look like it, but I am very good. I can't believe how much better I feel." The cicadas have started to emerge and the sound warms my spirit and soul. I created this perfect moment through my efforts. Feeling guilty for it feels inauthentic. I am in my being now. I am in the moments of balance that I have longed for after every nightmare I have woke up from. I am the magician of my existence. I create my responses how to use my energy. All these dots in the sky are connecting for me, and it is transcendent. I see at a greater height and know within me there is so much more.