The Reliance

It stormed last night, the thunder woke me up a couple of times. I ambian walked downstairs, ate chips and dip, and paid for it later that night or morning. I don't know what time it is at night. We have no clocks in the bedroom. We rely on our phones. I rely on my phone, and the battery was depleted. I fell asleep listening to a space video on Saturn's moons. I was trying to conjure up images in my mind as I fell asleep. I trying to recharge, and my reliant phone loosing battery. How could this all NOT cause me to reflect on this question internally? Where am I most reliant? My mind. My heart. My Spirit. Where am I least reliant?

The storms cleared out and brought a gorgeous morning. It is beginning to look tropical outside with all this rain and warmth. Soon I will hear frogs, cicadas and birds and nights will be magical. Not thunderstorm, dip eating soul searching magical, but serene magical. This morning, both doors opened, sheers draped over one door, blowing freely in the other. I was listening to the birds, wondering if my plants outside were getting too much water from all this rain. Derek came down and said "Morning" snapping me out of my deep wonderment. 

We exchanged sleep/work status, I slept okay, his work was okay. He was adjusting to a new project and a new shift. I am still adjusting to being me. We talked about all this rain and my thoughts shifted to work. The river! Work! Shows this weekend. My heart began to race and the anxiety was noticeable. Derek asked if I was that nervous? No, yes. Yes. Why? Is this performance anxiety? I don't know what I am doing. I am not an actress. The fear and anxiety escalated. I thought, what is at the root here? 

"It's me not being in shape. I haven't been exercising liked I had hoped. But, I am doing phenomenally well in other areas."  I grabbed my notes and read aloud the entrance. "So, we dance out in this entrance, and I immediately go stand on stage. At this point, if I have an asthma attack, or stroke, everyone is gonna see." I briefly thought about covering my inhaler with burlap, in the case that happens. Talking out loud about my fears was helping me. I talked my way into a deep realization. "You know, here is the thing. I can't "ADHD" my way through this. I can't cram, design, THINK my way through this. I am relying on my body." 

Bam. I feel more capable mentally than physically. The resistance towards my body started young. It wasn't like others in any way. Kind of like my mind. I never fit in. Internally, I could control this, and thrive. Externally, I could do everything I could to keep up with the world. The disconnection allows me to turn off my internal attachment, and externally go through the motions. When we had rehearsal, over a month ago, I was going to start moving my body. Time moved forward at an astonishing pace. And now, here I am at a deadline. One that I can't think my way out of. 

I manifested this life. I have fought against that belief for decades. I see all the moments I have dreamt of coming true. I also see how I wasn't specific and still am not being specific. Knowing we do create our experience, I have been diligent in keep my space as clean as I can. Keeping my thoughts as positive and growth oriented as possible. Why would I put my physical body in this position? How absolutely completely bizarre it is that I am even analyzing the position I am currently in. What was all of this revealing about me? 

I have been more reliant on my mind/spirit than my body. I identify with my mind more, and am doing what I can with my body. And it shows. I'm not lazy, it just isn't my focus. I'm definitely not sporty spice. Who am I? I am Clementine, a hairdresser from Hooter Holler who has two shows this weekend. Do I know the cotton eyed joe? Yes. Have I been practicing? More in my head. Which means I am physically weak and don't want to have an asthma attack dancing, hootn' and hollern'. This prompts the questioning, "So Cynthia, what's your problem?"

I started creating grounding worksheets yesterday. I am a week ahead of my design schedule. I am a day behind in some physical chores. Where am I struggling the most? My physical. Isn't that interesting? Depression has physically exhausted me. There is physical things going on here, not mental. I am only recently starting to feel like myself. I recently starting feeling physically good. I was able to do movement and complete daily list. Then, yes, there has been a bit of a drop. I am building momentum again. I am working on building reliance in my body.