Milestone Moment

 Yesterday, I checked off every box on my daily work list. And I even had time to play Diablo. This is a familiar feeling, but better. I used to have this kind of energy and got additional things done. I slowly moved into a point of stasis almost. Looking back, I'm not sure I was even fully aware during some of the moments. But, I can see now. I have the proof in my milestone to do list.

The shadow side of me is fearful to hope for the best. I have looked deeply at this resentment lens that I was viewing my world through prior. It made my stomach sick. Still there is the fear. The scared whisperings and taunting, "yea right." But, I feel progress. And with that, the twinge of the fear of success. Understanding the self saboteur. Those are shadows I have gratefully, brought to the light. So, it is working. Something, is working. SOMETHING is happening. 

It is an absolute gorgeous day. The temps are in the high seventies, I have the bay doors open and the birds are singing. My sheer curtains occasionally catch a ride on the swift breeze. My cats have been sunning, along with my palms I took out to get some more light. All the trees have leafed out. I absolutely love seeing the sun cast the leaf shadows on the ground. Moments of light and dark that I remember observing as a child. I was touched by the atmosphere.

I lived in the projects when I was pre-k and kindergarten. It was a radically different world in the late 70s. I used to walk by myself to the store on the corner with $3 for my mom's Kool Filter Kings. And on really good days, a couple of food stamp paper dollars. They were like monopoly money. They would come in little oblong books and my mom would tear out a couple of the $1s for me on the weekend. Especially the weekends of race season while she waitressed at The Bohemia. I have my food stamp, Tip Top stories, but this one is about light.

It was the summer in the projects, grills were going, drinks were flowing and dominos were slapping the table. We kids got to do whatever we wanted. We were running around playing hide and go seek. I was hiding behind one of the brick walls. I lost track of where I was, even then. I heard Michael Jackson playing, basketball games and kids running. Then I saw this beautiful green branch, dancing in front of the light in the center of the buildings. It was casting a shadow on the brick wall. I followed it, observing it against the bricks. I could smell grilled meats in the air, and a breeze blew. Then I felt a slap on my back, "Found you!" That wasn't the only time I was completely transported away by the atmosphere. 

It was the end of summer, closing in on fall. We had been watching scary movies and of course, The Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown. We were running around playing horror hide and go seek. I guess we screamed louder or scared the people we found. I specifically remember standing on the street, by a bush. It was past time to be home, the street lights were on. I only had to cross the playground to get home though. Jerry had one more project to go and others still further. Stevie Nicks was singing through the speakers in someone's room, through the box fan in the window. "OOOOh oooooh Witchy woman, she got the moon in her eyeeeee." I looked up to see a sparking necklace hanging from the branch above me. I was lost until I had to go home. 

I have so many hauntingly beautiful moments during this life similar to these. They molded me. My imagination and admiration of light, is a big part of who I am. I started retracing my steps this morning on how I got to this place. What was my point of entry? What are the things that have brought back this deep inner space I am feeling. A calmness, anchored in the heart. My point of entry was actually psychology. My road to heal this injury within me. This depression that was becoming crippling. This returning energy is refreshed.

I can feel the difference in my entire body. My energy is improving everyday. I have my proof with my milestone marker. I have my proof with my design work and my blog work. I am creating the proof of change daily in my life. All these things, all these tools are working together now. I am feeling a lot better. So much so, that I am almost afraid to admit it to myself, for fear I will crash and burn. Steady and slow I tell  myself. Don't wake up and run out into battle. Maybe it is time appreciate all that has been accomplished. Relinquishing the fear.