Collective Trauma

 I woke this morning from more disturbing nightmares. They don't seem to be subsiding, even though in my waking life I am feeling better. The dream was the familiar chaos of drama, terror and family event. I went upstairs to escape it, but some had followed me. In my dream I kept asking "what the fuck is wrong with you people?" What the fuck indeed. 

I opened my eyes becoming first aware of the CPAP mask strapped to my face. I laid there thinking about the disturbing dreams and what they meant. I thought about how we are sex obsessed as a society. So much so that music and what is on the screen now repulses me. It is has long been since I could freely listen to the radio or music without feeling just disgusted by the lyrics. The inundation of butt shaking, crotch flapping and open sexuality has sickened. Why? Because my sexual essence had been exploited and people are still openly participating in the exploitation of sexual energy. We as a collective are sexually traumatized. 

We put so much focus and emphasis on it, trying to saturate all levels of our society with it. It has bubbled up to the surface with the Me Too movement, Epstein and it continues to reveal itself. As it should. We are in sickness. We assign identity and push it from birth. The old testament is filled with sexual atrocities by "Gods." Churches are molesting children, everyone was appalled. I wasn't surprised by any of it. Why? Because I have been sexually traumatized by almost everyone around while I was growing up. And then we all sit back confused with our sickness coming out sideways in pronouns. Our children are injured and confused and we as a society can't deal with what we created. We the people created this monster. 

I have been denied my pain at every turn. I never felt like I was the victim, because no one would let me feel that. I am a victim, but not stuck in victimhood, or I thought. Why still the nightmares? Why still the fury every day? I can't watch television, I can't listen to music, I resort to reading historical information and guess what? You only have to read the bible to see how far back this sickness has spanned. This has always been an issue for me with religion. When "gods" present themselves in unjust ways, their followers will accept. Our gods are the influencers. Who influences most of society now? This sickness is revealing itself center stage, along with the hypocrisy. The stark contrast in how people function with themselves leaves me with the nightmares. 

I got up last night and ate two cookies and an ice cream bar. For dinner, I had to sausages in my pasta. I felt tremendous guilt over this. I woke to my sweetest baby cat being sicker. I have to get him to the vet. I need to get Lady Elizabeth to the vet. So much I need to do. I have two shows this weekend. The overwhelmed me. I  have been crying for over an hour now. I'll push through. I have the strongest inner strength I can tap into. That higher self taps in and pushes through. How is this possible? Because I know this lower collective trauma is not greater than my inner light. 

It's all coming to the light now, and it is burning off. There is this part of me that I have to subdue. It is this deep resenting laughter that wants to ask "how it feels" as the skin burns off of the ones who came with torches. Wickedness infiltrating, conquering, controlling and enslaving. They disgust me. I feel it in my throat as a ball of anger. All of this collective trauma being brought to the light to heal. The light always overpowers the darkness.