Big Deal

 My observance and witnessing of Christian behavior is what has kept me out of the church. Over and over I witnessed a disconnect with what was being preached, and how people were actually living. This hypocrisy I have witnessed on a large scale in every facet of society I have mingled with. I had to observe the hypocrisy in myself. It all seems to come back around to good/evil, light/dark, the duality of the what we are and of all that is capable. If I am capable of loving to this degree, I am capable of hating. Our inner ugliness is in the collective. We are bringing it all to the light. 

I've been struggling with my anxiety an intense amount this morning. Eddie is sick and we are going in to the vet in a couple of hours. I have a call in to see if I can have my TMS appointment earlier. I need to clear off my desk to get a grip on what is this anxiety is. 

On the surface, yea, I am about to perform in front of 60 people a night this weekend. I have minimized this, much as I have everything else in my life. Why? Hostile stirrings of dismissive words uttered at me about my "little shows, what is it called?" "You're little Etsy shop." "Your crystals and hippie crap" "Your little TikTok videos" "Your little blog" .... This dismissive tone has underlined all my work. So much so that it had become my inner voice. As it was for all my pain. Minimized.  I have allowed people to minimize me. And I have minimized myself and my feelings.

Everything I have gone through is a big fucking deal. The fact that I made it through all it standing in my awareness of my own power, is a big fucking deal. The split that I have witnessed in what is being shown to people, and what has been going on behind closed doors is spilling out everywhere. The positive aspect is a chance to clean up the mess. I'm not worried about anyone's split but mine, that is the only one I can fix. 

Dedication to the Christ Consciousness is a big fucking deal. To find the courage to walk this path is a big deal. It strikes fear in my heart because I am aware of my many fears. I can't call them faults, they seem to be rooted in fear feelings. Fear that I will betray myself, not for another, but because of fear itself. I am afraid of not becoming. Why? I can be a victim and certainly point out the minimization of all my pain and abuse. That doesn't make me feel better. It has pissed me off. It has also driven me. Perhaps I let it drive me into exhaustion and I have minimized my own voice asking for a little rest.