Baby Reindeer

 We watched a Netflix series called Baby Reindeer a few nights ago. It has taken us some time to digest the many themes explored. Because I have dealt with similar feelings of rape and shame, other parts stood out to me. I am grateful this show brought to the forefront how much males have been raped and have hid it out of shame. It disgusts me how much this happens. People apparently can't control any type of animalistic behavior and fail to recognize the divine within. Technology and instant porn have made it even easier for people to indulge in this behavior. My issues with tech rose to the surface this morning with an anger that brought on hostility I worked hard to control. 

I could bash my phone to bits and live. I can live without my phone. Why? Because I spent the majority of my life without one. An old issue of me not remembering passwords resurfaced this morning. My anger quickly went to my memory issues. Why the fuck should I have to remember all these passwords and verify shit with my face? It came down to the fact that I simply don't care. I don't care because technology quickly burned me out because of the way it has been used. Watching Baby Reindeer brought this forward to me watching how it was used to constantly harass people. Email and text and phone calls, constantly invading your peace. For some strange reason people seem to think it is okay to do this. It isn't. 

My anger towards this hit the highest point when I decided to back away from conversing with people online. I create beautiful art, yet on Etsy, people would message me to kill myself because I wouldn't comply to their demands regarding my designs. I closed my shop because of the interaction with people online. The strangest thing to me was people messaging all through the night, wanting my attention ASAP for a kids party. Threatening me with bad reviews if I didn't comply. I had strict policies laid out that people ignored. It was a major learning lesson for me. Policies and boundaries were not enough. I wan't going to be a slave to this.

My resent further grew when I not only had to create, market and be available at all times, just to do the thing I love. It wasn't enough that I created designs, but now I had to list them, create tags, create a marketing plan, get on all social media platforms and deal with bullshit there for chump change. I would wake up and there would be 10 messages overnight, like I sat up 24/7 to answer a question that is stated in the listing. They wanted direct attention, at my expense. There is this deep anger in me that wants to hatefully say "NAHHHHHH, NOT HAPPENING" to all the people who expect it. Instead, I withdrew. 

I have seen relationships with people who have constantly harassed their mates with their phones. "Where are you? Why aren't you answering? Send a picture of where you are!" People now have grown up with this access and it isn't healthy. Watching Baby Reindeer was a reminder of how people would just constantly want instant access to someone's life energy, at all times, at all costs. Nah. And now, we have to remember passwords, show our face to a device and be in constant contact. This series made me want to rebel more. The anger bubbled up to the surface this morning as I searched through my desk for yet another lost password that has to be constantly changed because of breaches. What a time and energy suck. 

I sat, had my coffee and reconciled my anger. I had recently thought about opening back up my Etsy shop. Maybe I was mentally prepared to handle it now. Then I thought, nope, I don't want to deal with people. I don't. It is that simple. I want to focus on doing the things I love. Ironically, on my gratitude journaling, I am grateful for technology. I love the access to the information. Maybe that is the difference. I don't use it to stalk or harass people. I use it to actually better my life. Isn't that what it is supposed to be for? I thought about it for a bit and got more disgusted with the obsessions of people to use it for porn and build sex robots. How ridiculous is this? Or the fact that we use it to spy on people, survey their every move. No thanks, NAH. 

We had an intense storm last night, came out of nowhere. This morning as I sat looking at all the stuff outside I needed to clean, I saw the mosquitos already up and moving in. I thought about the wonderful aspect that I could look online for mosquito nets and have them delivered. I could use technology to make my world better. My better is supplies to help me succeed, information and the ability to share information. The ability to share my art, what I am learning and my thoughts. The ability to take beautiful photos and videos and make something cooler. Technology to me are these amazing programs that I can use to create with. Technology as a creative and learning tool is a beautiful aspect of my life. People needing constant energy from me, at my expense, isn't. 

Many years ago, when I started working on capturing nature as I saw it, I drew the line with my phone. This was a video tool for me. At the time I didn't have boundaries, I would actually answer the phone and people knew it. They knew they had direct access to my energy and could deplete me. This made me very bitter. I don't answer my phone now, I don't enjoy talking on the phone. Every time I would get still in a moment at a creek or by some flowers, my phone would go off. It fucked up my shots and my connection to the moment. Inevitably on the other end was someone screaming about some problem they refused to solve. It was a drain on me in every way. 

This year I changed my phone number and don't give it out freely, or at all. It isn't on my business card. All you need is my name and website. I am not spoon feeding myself to a damn person anymore. I am focused on my existence and my experience. There is still this small part of me that wants people to writhe in the fury of no direct connection. I forgive that part of me, work on looking at the thought differently, then go do something for myself, for my experience. I am creating and curating my experience now and I am not letting others feed greedily off my energy. No pearls to the swine. I only want to connect with inspired people moving forward on a creative and loving journey. And it will be on my terms. That is the goal I set forth to work on many years ago. Maybe that is why all of these things were so prevalent in my life. They were showing me all the ways I was giving my power away, my energy, my life force. And gaining nothing but despair and anger, every time the phone buzzed with an energy pull. 

Every app now wants to let you know when there is an update. They want to keep that connection hot, that energy pull 24/7. Receive notifications for every thing and everyone in your life. Even stuff that doesn't matter, you need to know someone out there has an update to pull you into the energy drains online. It isn't the technology, it is the people behind the technology. The sick people who constantly have to be pulling on everyone's energy, whether emotional or financial. Give me your attention and funds every notification and ad screams. It has begun to disgust me even further. I wonder how many other people watched this Netflix series and thought the same thing. 

I watched my mother struggle with addictions I never wanted. Relationship addiction to cigarettes to food and to gambling. All of these things were easy access for her. But, I also watched her work on herself spiritually and try to figure out the root cause. My mother's downfall was not removing herself from harmful situations. She is dead now, I can't ask, but I suspect out of fear she stayed. She stayed and struggled with the guilt that every man abused her and her children. I grew up in a sick environment that everyone participated in and pretended it was good. It was the very hypocrisy I saw in people, in religion, in the schools, in every aspect of my life that led me to do the things I did. Opposite of what I saw everyone around me doing. 

I took so much bonafide shit for releasing my daughter for adoption when I was 18. In a lot of ways, I still take shit for it today. I don't care anymore, I did what was best. Something people around me couldn't do. I have a deep resentment towards people telling me I shouldn't isolate. What they mean is, don't cut off your energy for my greedy sucking. I temper the laughter I have inside for not giving them what they want. And there is the thing of it, I have resentment because it was a detriment to me, it was at my expense and I was allowing it out of guilt and pity. People playing off my empathy and unresolved emotions, manipulating me. 

I am most grateful for the place I am in right now. I am the happiest I have ever been. I am actively protecting my life, my experience. I'm not longer struggling with relationships that I can't set boundaries with. I am not exhausting myself by constantly having to defend my boundaries. Inner peace comes from shutting off that instant access to all these people and institutions constantly bombarding you with wanting your energy in some way. And money is energy also. What a wild part of our experience to try to navigate without any guidance or oversight. Look at our populations now and the biggest question everyone is asking now about AI. The guidance for me is there, thankfully, internally. I played that game, I participated in the system and nah.