This Space
Yesterday, I listened to music and cried. Tear of happiness. It had been months since I could listen to any type of music. I have binged docu-series, podcasts and audiobooks for months. I needed to disconnect. There were days of total silence, only listening to sounds around me. But, yesterday, I washed my car (completely forgetting we were conserving water.) Then, I drove for a bit. I got some french fries, an iced tea and drove around the town under the sun, watching the clouds and traffic until my appointment. It was there, when I parked, that the music got to me. My headspace feels different.
I cried earlier again, but the tears felt lighter. It's spring and the property daffodils are hanging on for the tulips. The weather is amazing. Is that helping my mood? Is it the TMS therapy? Is it all and everything I have been doing showing me some hope? Today I also washed my backdoor windows. I have built a small fire a few morning now and enjoyed the smell. I'm settling into the peace and space I have created. I look around and see that in people around me. A jogger yesterday, under the sun, listening to the music, happily plodding along. I saw the universe holding his spirit and it shown throughout him. It inspired me. If I can believe the universe is holding this beautiful space for him, I can see it for myself also.
Every generation on this planet lives in some kind of fear. As we are waking up to external threats from cycles beyond our control, we are seeing the beauty. It could all go so quickly. And I would miss it dearly. All the things I love here. All the beauty I see here. Beyond the lingering pain and trauma, I feel a renewal. I feel a want to create again. To dream of possibilities again, even in these times that often can seem chaotic beyond any human's control. And it is amazing to me. What if this therapy is working? What more could I be capable of?
It has been six or seven TMS sessions now. There are about thirty to go. If things keep progressing and clearing up in my mind space, I could be very happy. I am very happy. I am grateful for the space I had the courage to create around me. I'm allowing myself to soak it in and enjoy this space.