The Flash

 This morning when I woke, Derek was coming to bed. He is getting used to his new schedule. He asked me how I slept and if I had any nightmares. I said, "I had a pretty scary dream, but I don't want to call them a nightmare anymore, they are something more." I took my CPAP mask off and started to recollect. Similar theme, but different events. This one actually had Derek and the fur babies in it, which was new. My cousin Tammy made an appearance in the dream too, so it was familiar to this life. Or, the ending of it.

We were living by water, but there was a patch of woods in between and a road that ran along the side. We were trying to get all the babies in because the weather was very strange and it seemed like a storm was coming. Derek and I were bent over, near a table, looking for something when there was a bright flash. I was looking up at the window when it happened. It was a giant yellow then white flash. Our eyes met in terror and I screamed, "Get under the desk!" Then it sounded like tornado winds hitting the windows. We held each other, making sure all the animals were in. I asked if the sun went nova, but we wouldn't still be alive. Had something entered the atmosphere?

We scrambled to get our phones and a signal. The winds died down but then it started to rain and water started to rise. We had left a camera out in the yard, and even though we saw people driving, we would not go outside. And then I could see the water pulling back and moving forward, like tsunami waves. The water was frothy and I said, "Don't open the windows or go outside." We finally got a signal on our phone and they were warning about radiation poisoning. I watched people drive by and wondered if they knew what was happening. 

The water in the faucets at first were pouring out, then stopped. We cleaned up as much as we could and were tired. It was very quiet outside and was getting dark. We started wrapping ourselves in blankets and gratitude, not really sure of what all had happened. We heard someone opening the door and thought someone was trying to break in. I got up and looked across the room and saw my cousin Tammy. She told us she was trying to get a haircut when all this happened and was just trying to get someplace safe. We still didn't know what had happened, but something must have entered the atmosphere. 

I recounted this dream to Derek and told him I don't think these are PTS dreams like I had believed prior and been told they were by doctors and therapists. I have needed sleeping pills at least for the past decade or longer to go to sleep because of the apprehension of having one of these dreams. I don't think these are trauma dreams from having a chaotic young life where I didn't have a home or was running looking for a safe place. These were always end of the world type dreams involving water and some outside force. I started thinking about all of them collectively. They always involved similar events, flooding, upheaval. 

I recounted to Derek the various places I have been in my dreams prior to this. They were different worlds, different lives, different places. They have ranged from jungles to big cities. There has been nothing but nature and nothing but technology in them, along with a mix. I told Derek, "It's almost as if I have lived in different life times, each one with a catastrophic ending and the aftermath. Always something seeming to rain down from the skies and create chaos. Maybe that is why I am so obsessed with the solar weather." These have been reoccurring dreams that of course have made me think constantly about my mortality and existing here. This had been heard as trauma in the past when I talk about them. What if these were not memories from this life, but from many before?

I only remember one dream as of now that stands out that I was actually physically rescued. I was living where I am now, sitting at this desk, watching out the back door. I looked up in the sky and there were large ships, large black ships in the sky. They had been there the entire time. Inside I knew it, as they became apparent to everyone. Then, a metal like locker comes down out of the sky and the soldier, it is Mike, he says "GET IN NOW!" I look back at my dog Tabi in the dream and say, "I can't leave her!" He says to grab her and get in. I do. 

Tabi and Mike are both dead now, along with my brothers, my mother and father. Before Mike died he told me, "I know you don't believe these things, but when I tell you it is time to go, be ready." My logical mind limits everything to this reality. We are told dreams are nothing but our brains processing while we sleep. We are told nothing exists beyond us and this Earth and this is just random reality. Even in that bleak thought, I can find a reason to look for good. I was told my visions were hallucinations by doctors and that I was mentally ill. This is why I don't talk to "authorities" anymore about my thoughts, dreams, visions. I happen to think they are crazy. But, I am to believe the other way around. "They" sicken me. All the "doctors" and "authority" that has it all figured out and insist on making their realities ours, mine. 

I have finally started embracing my disdain for these people and seeking help intuitively. I also get nudges from the universe. Maybe "they" don't have this, that is why they don't/can't believe. It has been very difficult for me to put aside my animosity for the people of this world. It isn't this world, it is the behavior of some of the people. The ones who want to oppress anyone who doesn't align with their single, restrictive ideas of the world. We look out now with all we know about the stars and it is laughable. I won't participate with limited understanding and continue to be ostracized by my experience. Even though I do deeply resent most of them, I don't wish harm. I wish to be left alone. 

I am looking forward to the end of May. I have two shows happening around the end of my TMS appointments. I have been working on a productive schedule and am leaning into my new understanding of my self and what that means. I'm grateful for the understanding I am in now. I would rather look at my dreams and visions as clues to deeper meaning than a reason to take pills because I am crazy. Crazy says the closet alcoholics addicted to porn and sick abuse. Crazy says the gamblers with nothing to loose but everything. Crazy says the men who can't control their animal impulses and push their limited beliefs on those around them. If I linger here too long, I get angry. I dismiss all of them to their dark, visionless lives, suppressing the want to say "Good luck, fucktards. Sucks for you!" I mentally push them out, away. 

I came in with gifts and sight that I believed for a long time were wrong. Thankfully, I did have the inner compass leading me back to me. Or, I might be an alcoholic, addicted to porn and video games, focused on money, power and abuse. That doesn't appeal to me, so yea, I am different. Thank all that is for my inner light. But, what is the inner light and why do they not have it? Sucks for them, I'm just going to focus on me. Maybe through a magnifying glass for all to see, they will disgust themselves into changing. Or, self destruct. I don't have that want to save the people of this world, especially not the ones who have made my existence here way more difficult than it needed to be. I want to be surrounded by the good people, the ones with good motives. Or, I'd rather be alone. 

Now, I want to help myself, save myself. I want to hear from others who are doing the same. I want to understand creative vision, inspiration and the inner light. I want to understand more than this simplistic view we are given. These limitations pushed on us, the oppression. I want an operating system upgrade. I want to understand the flash of light, the changing of the worlds that I dream about. I am looking forward to exploring the inner light that is within me.