The Bell
How do I describe this sound? It is on an old TikTok of mine. It was from when Tabi got very ill near the end. I had cut off all my hair and was sleeping on the floor with her. Even know I don't want to get too close to that pain for fear of being swallowed up. And I am doing good. Despite the fact that heavy, emotion filled tears are streaming down my face. I recognize the difference in the feel of my tears now. Dot connecting, I'm feeling better, I am reawakening.
It is a silent, dense sound, with heavier background noise, low. That is the haunting background noise. It sounds loud until there is an introduction of vibration. The sound of a bell. It is a larger, thicker bell. It is a sturdy, heavy bell, but still small enough to hold, not quite large enough to hang. It has a century old feel to it, the wondrous antique find kind. It doesn't come alarming in, but heavy in the background, as a gentle, low reminder. Then the background noise becomes a bit more crisp. Brisk, but not alarming. The sound of the mornings when all is silent. You can hear the birds and squirrels. The breeze sounds different through the stillness. You hear a city waking up. A gentle reminder.
I have gained weight because I have been eating more. I am tasting flavor again, I wasn't connecting the dots. Kind of like the low background vibration before the gentle bell reminder. This morning I was excited by color and graphics. I was excited to design again. I hadn't felt this feeling in a long while. I felt the wind on my skin and embraced the coolness. I was listening to music again. I am moving back into an inspired state. My senses are waking up. It is a low ding, the bell reminder. Remember the bliss of this connection? The awareness of it all? How had I fallen into this deep slumber? Was this an awaking from severe depression? Had I been so numb that I was unaware what beauty was around me?
I have to be rational with myself and ground myself enough to ask; is this magnetic stimulation really working? I want to rid myself of all my deep skepticism, but it keeps me grounded enough to keep asking questions. If these magnetic pulses are stimulating neurons to wake up, how did they fall asleep this deep? I asked that yesterday and it makes absolute sense. They have become unused and numb for so long that they actually need a nudge to wake up. We aren't shocking them awake, we are ringing the bell in a way to reawaken them. I don't have to ask why this happened. It was obvious from all the trauma. I had a material explanation for a long time. I had been seeking a spiritual one.
From a physical level, just 2020 and beyond became a universal trauma. We still haven't recovered. It was a shift. There is no other way to describe it other than that. I had always wondered what major turns of history felt like, while unaware I was living in one myself. What has happened here? Our collective became aware of the bell. Not an echo, or reverberation, but something in between. Our collective became aware of this space we are all in. We collectively began working on our trauma.
I can envision a flax colored robe as I wake up from this particular dream. I am deep in meditation, and I hear, a bell. Not a jarring bell to grab my attention. A gentle vibrational reminder that I can't meditate all day. Chop wood, carry water. I have a checklist of laundry and chores to get to.