Winter Song

 I've taken a tumble to dark depths. It feels like the perfect storm that just brought me to my knees. Ironically the storm was created through me trying to weather it. I've been doing everything I can to stay afloat. During this difficult time of being surrounded by death after death (x5) I have been going through physical changes as well: menopause. There are absolutely many, many justifiable reasons for me to be the mess I am right now. I've been put through the wringer and have made no apologies while trying to get through this dark time with my life in tact. But, I had a dream last night, which is very rare lately, that a reprieve is coming. 

..........

The above was a previous, unpublished entry. Since then I have returned to my previous estrogen patch; which  has strangely become hard to manufacture now. A sympathetic pharmacist at Walmart did help me though. I also have ended my tolerance break and/have reintroduced cannabis back into my system, via a flax seed concoction I have been wrestling with all winter. I am unsure of the potency and hence the internal battle began this morning.

The internal dialogue reads as this. "Are you justifying addiction in any way?" I ran over the truths before me. I was hurting, limping and feeling a wee bit arthritic. I did not sleep well last night and once again, had very vivid dreams. There was the question. Why haven't I been able to remember my dreams until now? Is is that I have started making a subconscious effort? Is it the current collage of medicinals? What is the resistance? The internal war I am having over my mental state. What am I trying to prove; and to whom? 

That is the thing, externally, I truly don't feel I have anything to prove. Everything I need proof for is me. And I approve this message. I have proven so much to myself. I am the strong spirit everyone has told me I am. I battled the reasons of that acceptance. The duality of the world came off to me as hypocrisy. That, I have begun to reconcile. So, what is going on here? 

Where is your InnerSpace?

I needed to clear out my headspace and I knew it. It all became obvious to me this morning when I lost my temper. I immediately was ashamed of my temper, my exhaustion and longed for some relief. I had been on a tolerance break from cannabis and my ADHD med. I needed to gauge how I would function without them. I got by. It was difficult at times, but I got by. I cried a lot. But, I chose to move forward in positive ways. Next week begins a new path to healing that I haven't explored yet. So what immediately needed to be done in this moment?

I started my grounding questions and checklist. Where was I? Earth to Cynthia.