Ground Zero

 I had an intense morning of inner exploration. It all came crashing down into the material when I opened my laptop after weeks of abandonment. I was inspired to write, and my sabotaging self decided to check my emails. 62 unread emails in my important email account. This is the account directly related to my digital business life. The anxiety in my chest, taxes, insurance, medical needs. I quickly became overwhelmed. This all through me into what may be considered an internal crisis. I ran up and down the emotional flagpole. Ground Zero for me is my grounding method I have been working on. When I become so overwhelmed with my battle between Spiritual and Material, I have to ground myself. Essentially send these two inner dueling forces to their respective corners, while I try to ascertain what the hell is going on. I quickly realized, I don't know shit. Shut down, reboot. 

This morning while swinging wildly from material branch to spiritual branch, I fell. I hit the ground so hard, it knocked the breath out of me. I cried out in agony. Hot tears streamed down my face while I choked on the lump in my throat. Then the inner voice came and said, "Okay, let's get grounded. What is the direct problem?" I ran through my physical, emotional and mental. Okay, well, I am a 50 year old menopausal woman who hasn't adjusted to this constant changing of estrogen patches. Is it the Dottie? The Llyanna? The Sophia? I want an estrogen patch named The Sophia. Is that is what is happening here? Maybe a little, also the changing of meds. I get on a physical level what could be causing this rise and fall of emotions. I also am severely depressed, apparently. With every single right to be. I keep pushing the material back, and the more I do, the more it pounds at my chest. Responsibilities. I don't want em. I stopped in the midst of this breakdown, laughing. Maybe it is all menopause. Or maybe this is just what the fuck the problem is. I started laughing because my higher self is in control and really believes none of this mean jack shit. 

My problem in a nutshell seemed to be this fight between my Spiritual Self and Material Self. I gotta say, the Spiritual is winning, which really is making me look bad on The Material Realm. There is the split. I am being told I am not being responsible enough in The Material Realm and I am living my bliss in The Spiritual Realm. That has always been the problem. I prefer the Spiritual Realm to The Material, my condolences. Who is to judge is this is good or evil? 

It's a Balancing of this Duality they say? Does it truly resonate? Am I biased? The hypocrisy I have witnessed regarding this has caused bias. What hypocrisy? Is it not the goal to become our highest self? Do the most good in every moment in every choice? To be stewards of The Earth? That is my internal program, it always has been. Grow, seek knowledge, do good. It isn't hard, or it shouldn't be. That is where my resentment began. So what is the problem now? 62 emails. 62 emails, laundry needs to be going, chores have to be done. Chop wood, carry water. That is part of this Stewardship. I'm not sure the original intent was to be available to the entire world at every moment via a smartphone. I just can't. I have to shut down for a bit. Where is my bliss? Interestingly enough, it is what kickstarted this beautiful chaos this morning. I've been very deep into InnerSpace this morning, moving from realm to realm. What were my findings?