February 2024

 I mentally called myself to the observation deck this morning. I found myself feeling depleted and deeply sad. I had learned another lesson and have been sitting honestly with it. The absolute truth was I felt in deficit and felt the stirrings of animosity. I was struggling to get back on a path to begin to even plot a point. My friend had just messaged me asking if I had any methods for addressing anxiety in the early stages. Is that a simple question? January felt like a long winter storm. Actually, the winter storm began for me at the end of October. The night it was certain, my brother Johnny had died. The realization that I was the last living person in that immediate family unit shook me in ways I wasn't prepared for. 

I hadn't logged into my social media accounts is over a week or two. I hoped on TikTok and was greeted by a memory. Same time last year, working on this project of me. Before my brother died, he kept asking me what that little super hero video was of me. Today that question greeted me when I tapped into the internet. I became very aware of the conduits to where I could place my energy. Which has led me here to February, wrestling with the long shadows of winter. Lingering ghosts and spirits. It feels cold and hollow. 

Many days passed since I reopened my laptop to find this unfinished blog. I immediately thought, I have to change my screensaver. I need something motivating. I need something in my life I am reeling with excitement from. 

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I had set aside my laptop and took my space. I had to find the charger and wait for it to charge to find my way here. I still haven't found my mouse. How strange it all is. I had a telehealth appointment this morning regarding my psychiatric meds. It is strange to me how quickly understanding came this morning while having this appointment. I am having a bout of mania. I haven't slept in 24 hours, I am having a hard time restraining my emotions and have had to start battling old demons and shadows. 30% battery alarms were going off in my head. After my appointment, I stood, with my back door open, listening to the birds and feeling the cool breeze and thought of spring. The idea of chaos and birth came to mine as I thought about the seasons and cycles. I thought about Shiva and mythologies I had poured over recently. And I then asked myself, what is mania, really? Historically, what is the root? Chaos?

I realized because the my own bias and stigma against "mania" really gave me now basis to even examine what mania actually is and how it is showing up currently in my reality. I could spiral out of control wildly, or I could take this energy, manipulate it and create something good. I tapped on my brain and asked the creative side to wake up, I felt a tinge of animosity. I had been struggling with my emotions for a bit now and exhaustion and resentment were like shadows dancing all around me. I cried several times before my appointment, and many times since. I googled "mania" and went into deep self observation. I have been analyzing all this data, rolling with the emotions this morning. The door is open, curtains are blowing in the breeze. Let's see where this episode takes me.