Rainy Day in December

 I called weather for my cats and brought them in and taped the door. This is now their visual cue that outside is closed for the night. One of my boys cleverly locked him and his brother out the other night. Since then, new rules have been implemented. As soon as I taped the window and dusted off my laptop, the clouds broke and sun came in. Instantly my cats questioned the weather call. So am I working tonight? Or, will the festival get rained out? That was the underlying question that had been taking my attention and I needed to understand what was really going on internally that was manifesting these mental storms.

I spent yesterday cooking a huge Mexican dinner. Left overs for Derek over the weekend was part of this plan. I have been working the Festival of Lights this season on the weekends. Since I am not home to cook and get home late on the weekends, I have been pre-cooking and prepping. I had spent the first part of the week reacting, which I didn't care for. It was in this response that brought forward prepping for this weekend. One of which was warmer shoes.

It has been about two weekends since I experienced that deep bone chill. What followed was a bizarre couple of weeks of strange coincidences. Everything culminated to a second unplanned outing of errands and a pair of boots I bought for this weekend. I got a pair of water resistant, fur lined and comfortable boots for working on the weekends at the Festival of Lights. I also got a couple of insulated hats and gloves. I have been preparing for the cold. It whips up after about 7:30, a couple of hours after sunset. About 8:30, the dampness of the river begans to saturate the air, the cold air. The wind sweeps up the hill and funnels down into where I am standing, at the gates. It is quite beautiful, breathtaking to see the crystalizing mist reflecting against all the colorful twinkling lights draped over the darkness. Then the chill sets in, brrrr... Next weekend I am preparing. 

I have always mentally prepared for my next day, even as a child. I am not sure if this is programing, or preparedness, maybe both. I have always planned the next days attire and routine. I still do this, but now I use a weather app to plan. Though an app can't prepare you for what feels like a 20 degree drop, into the cold. And I don't get cold easily. I am the one who is always a little hot. Even with my estrogen patch, I still get the occasional night sweat or hot flash. So I readied my new boots and hats for this weekend. Is it going to rain? I started having anxiety over the rain last night. Why had this become such an event in my mind? I had to explore.

I think we have about five weekend days left in the holiday season to work. I was having my coffee this morning, preparing for my day. Then I felt the anxiety. It was of the unknown. Was it going to rain? I already called the cats in, because I was sure it was going to. Now the sun is working on shining and Sir Edward Bigglesworth is revolting against my call on weather. Trying to maintain control over my time and not creating anxiety over something I can't control, I rationalize both scenarios. Truthfully, I'm tired. I took my vitamin and antibiotic. I can do this. It is down to the last two weekends before Christmas, and I have new boots. I set my hourly alarms to prepare to get ready for work. I then, began to wrestle with myself about what I would do with the freebie hours I might get this evening. 

What were some of the things I wanted to work on? What was it I want from the current experience? I spend a great deal of time, stressing myself over not spending my time wisely. I like a bit more structure to that whirling chaos of undecided energy. I understand how I have lost a lot of my energy to engaging mindlessly. It is my intent to be more present, in the NOW Space. Those words came up this week in a podcast I listened to three times. This morning, a memory on TikTok came up. I was wanting to fully invest myself this time last year. I admit I am tired this year. Right at the end of Haunt Season, I bottomed out. I have been working on recouping since. 

Protecting my energy and experience has become very important to me, it actually always has. I have felt intense anger when I have felt restricted by others, or controlled. Having a more direct experience has become priority for me now. Staying aware of where I am putting my energy has been the challenge. I congratulated myself on my digital diet. But, I became very aware of me putting energy into looking at weather radar maps so I could use the time I was wasting doing this. There was where I could feel the internal poking of not managing my time wisely. And right now, as this man stands outside my window, blowing leaves at a deafening level, I'm aware of where I need to positively put my energy now.