Christmas 2023
I had a very quiet, peaceful Christmas Day. I spent time enjoying the holiday atmosphere I created and baked. I wasn't emotional until today, the day after Christmas. I didn't sleep well last night. I had dreams about red dust falling everywhere and I was trying to drive somewhere by a schedule. The anxiety of not being on time showed up heavily in my dreaming last night. The red dust, iron oxide falling into the atmosphere. I was still more stressed about being late.
Urgency about being on time has always plagued me. I'm sure these are common reoccurring dreams we all have regarding "showing up on time." At the deepest feeling of this, I felt it was where my energy was being placed. Was the urgency worth the energy? This has been something I had been exploring since the shift of 2020. Where and how do I want to show up in this space I currently occupy?
On Christmas Eve, Derek and I spent some time out shopping and then had dinner. We purchased a stack of books I have been wanting and decided to pop into Denny's, one of the few eating places still open. It was packed and they were short staffed, but we enjoyed watching it all swirl around. A lone man sat across from our booth and did the same. We all watched families around us laughing and having a good time. We were content. The waitress then told the elderly man alone that someone had paid for his dinner. He was very confused and asked why? The waitress replied, "Holiday Spirit!" He thanked her but asked her to pay it forward to someone in the same vein. I think I understood what he felt. Someone pitied him because he appeared alone. I get that a lot.
I opt out of all social gatherings on Holiday now. I opt out of a lot of things now though. I want to be very specific about where I put my energy now. I don't typically answer the phone. I don't engage often with social media. I prefer watching tutorials and being inspired. I want to move with positive intent. I realized that was difficult to do if I was constantly engaged in negative energy swaps. It wasn't worth the energy. I felt zapped, not replenished. So how would I go about replenishing myself now? By actively engaging with positive energy sources for me.
One of the books I picked up was a little journal that is prompts about exploring who you are. I can ask myself questions and explore deeper what truly resonates with me. I can't seem to get clear on what exactly it is I want out of this experience now. The one constant is the want to create. I want to be engaged in a project that excites and inspires me. I am hoping this down time and inner exploration will help me get back into a creative space. Currently I am struggling to finish this blog and want to just shut the laptop and zone out.