Reactionary States
Last night was the last night of haunt season. I drove home in complete exhaustion. Barely a voice with a pain in my neck. I was maneuvering through the shopping center parking lot to get home when I saw the dumpster I collapsed by last week. I was not at all in awareness when that happened. It felt very much like when I had sleeping walking episodes. Vague fragments coming together, embarrassment crawling over me. I was ashamed Derek saw me like that once again. Reacting out of a trauma state, blindly. I do not want to die, it is the demons of the trauma that create those moments. It had been chaos with everything happening lately. I was working on a timeline of events to track when this all started crashing hard.
The week my brother had a stroke and heart attack, and refused to go to the hospital. The thoughts of dealing with all drama started creeping in. I had to stand by what I said. This was the time that I could walk away. I didn't have to be constantly reminded. Last night my family came through the haunt, surprisingly. I looked right in their faces and none of them recognized me. My stomach started turning at the thought of them dropping off Johnny's ashes, or worse putting them at my front door. Then the laughter set in.
The road to my street is closed off for construction, not easy to find a way in and out for a light drive by. Had a manifested a mote? Ironically, I was in a different place last night when they came through, since I had also lost my voice. It felt good to take steps to protect myself. I was in the shadows, but not hiding. I was nervous going to my car, and took the highway home. I did laugh out loud on the way home. All responses and connections are my choice now. I control the energy and where it goes. I feel like I am moving to living on my terms, besides the occasional mishap.
Our hot water heater went out two days ago, during the coldest drop in the temperatures. Trying to get all that makeup off my body last night was torture with cold water. They hadn't been able to fix it and were coming today, the same time I told Charla I could be at work to decorate trees. I felt guilty. Why? Because that had been my response to always feeling like I let someone down, even when it was circumstances beyond my control. Perhaps the water heater repair happened at the perfect time to make me rest for a day and regroup. Feeling guilt doesn't serve me now. Moving into awareness of the instant reaction of guilt serves me best. And realizing functioning from my lower state can be real easy when I have maxed myself out and need to rest.