Cinderella

 Our birthday is coming up. It is a strange feeling, of it being my birthday alone, without my brother alive. I've been having the most vivid dreams since he died in October. Same month as Mike last  year. Same month as my father. I am the last one of our family unit still here. Alone in my little world I have carved out. It is a magnificent day. Warm and windy gusts rattling the branches, shaking free the leaves. I picked one up this morning, thinking about the life it had. A small bud in the spring, green in the summer, scarlet red in the fall, inching towards decay. I thought about decay, death and the date in that moment. I'm about to turn 50 years old. Where am I on this very day? 

We are having a warm day this early November. The strong winds indicate the cold front moving in, bringing along rain. I'm in love with my view. I just made a hot cup of coffee, which is still steaming from my black skull mug. My cats are sitting by the white pumpkin on my desk watching out the back door. The leaves are raining down in beautiful show of color, piling up to create a living tapestry outside the back door. The creative spark is returning. I'm moving In-Spirit. What has helped get me here?

I was feeling determined to lower my cholesterol and find a replacement for my butter bunnies. Flax Seed oil failed miserably. I am still trying to salvage it. I had whimsically dreamt up a mix, Lilac Diesel, White 99 and Glass Slipper. It made me think of Cinderella, Cyndi-rella. How's the Castle and the view? Right now, it is good. I created this moment. I create every moment through my choice, energy expenditure. Am I being judged for my choices, I don't know. I assume so, but I didn't ask. I don't care one way or the other. That is not energy I want to give away. Resolve for them is not in alignment with what resolve is for me. Resolving, or healing. 

I am choosing my healing and well being in this present moment. What does that mean for me? Not answering the phone. Not giving over my energy to my detriment. I knew I was in complete depletion. I was on the verge of breaking. Had I given in any more to the demands of money for a funeral, the responsibility of taking care of a grown, drug addicted woman, and physically pushing my body into breaking was not worth it to me. It just wasn't. It still isn't. That is why I changed my phone number and shielded myself, for my protection. It has felt like a constant assault on my energy. The burdening and blaming I felt. None of this is actually MY responsibility. Let's be clear on what is actually my current responsibility in my present: my well-being. What are the requirements for my well-being?

I need dedicated time to isolation. I need the space to freely move about my day in experience and creation. I don't feel guilt, finally. I feel proud of myself for creating this moment. In this moment I am in acceptance of all my choices, knowing each one contributed to the understanding I have in this moment. Tapping into that truth of what I want to experience today. I want to experience the smell of baking bread in the air. I want to experience the relief of cleaning up this clutter around me. I want to experience moments of inspiration and creation. I want to design, cook, make art, listen to the leaves fall and sip on my Cinderella Coffee in my black skull mug.