Change of a Season

 Charla said something to me that made me think about who I am. She said "You present differently in groups than who you are. You are much more introspective." I shared with her my battle over that being an actual diagnoses that was given to me once that I wrestled with, Histrionic Personality Disorder. Or, when a friend stated I had FOMO. These things couldn't be further from the truth for me. I had fought my entire life to be authentic, only to be shut down over and over. I have come to this truth from a different perspective now. It is about the access to me.

Four decades I had given away precious access to myself, or it was taken. My life on my terms has always been important to me. The times that I dismissed my own terms, I felt it deeply. I accumulated guilt and shame, burdens and  blame. Breaking through that rock hard layer of resentment only to realize I was making choices functioning off of things I had accumulated. Ideas and beliefs I had been programed with, but not in alignment with my authentic self. What is my authentic self?

I no longer try to reveal myself to others, I don't have that need. No one listened before, I gave away all my power, and now that power goes to me. When the phone inquires to what I am doing, I no longer want to tell it, to not be heard. I will show through the phone what I am doing, if you are truly interested. Observing the stoic philosophy has helped with this. This character difference is orchestrated, by choice. I told Charla, "I have had to learn to be a chameleon, blending with the environment, only changing colors in the light under the eye of the beholder." It actually wasn't that poetic coming out of my mouth. But she understood. She replied, "I see you." I smiled with gratitude. That truly means a lot.

I shared that my Medicine Man had "seen" me too, and now he was leaving as well. Chapters are ending, pages turning and seasons changing. This is the beginning of a new season for me and everything around me is beautifully reflecting that. Medicine Man asked "Are you ready for a new adventure?" Actually, yes, I am. All the visions have come to an end. And I am standing again at my Now point, asking my authentic self to take inventory, clean house, and explore what I want my energy and experience to vibe with. What do I want to experience with this existence? 

This afternoon I am taking down the Halloween decorations and putting up the Christmas ones. A new season is literally starting at work where I have transitioned from screaming Bloody Mary, to Cupid, the loving reindeer. I'm working on my costume, a pile of antlers, decorating and baking yeast rolls while cleaning. I done a design, a blog post and sat in meditation and prayer. The beautiful moments accented with gusts of falling leaves,