Surviving Truth Teller

I used to fall prey to the shame and manipulation. I see it so clearly now it disgusts me. I saw it all my life but was told I was making things up in my head. I now realize toxic families use all these tools. I don't think they are smart enough to know what they are doing. I am truly starting to believe these are just personalities functioning on auto pilot and incapable of recognizing what they are doing because of their drug abuse. Truth tellers like me are ostracized and made to feel like the bad ones.  How dare I tell the truth about all the horrible things. I would rather be the one who sees it and not participates. And now, they are all throwing out their hooks trying to snag me.

I can't say that I was shocked when everyone just assumed I was burning up the road to take care of everything and ready to pay thousands of dollars for a funeral for all of them to lament and play sad. Could I draw the line after this? Yes, but I am not putting myself through it anymore. I'm walking away. I am the last of my family alive, the rest are on their own. I am not engaging or participating. I said my goodbyes when I went down when my brother was in his last motorcycle incident. I said my goodbyes to Hot Springs. I said goodbye to all of that and have been trying to move forward since.

The anger started coming out in conversations, so I stopped answering the phone. I plan on changing my phone number soon. I have been contemplating changing my name legally. I have no good memories of my life in Hot Springs. The toxic hooks constantly dragging me back in, sabotaging everything I have built. I allowed it because I was functioning under shame and guilt. I no longer feel guilt. The only shame I have is allowing this to go on this long without pulling the plug completely and letting that filthy water flow down into the drain. 

I have never had the terms or something to point at and say "THIS IS ME!" All the things I have shamed myself for, never having a model to identify with created this deep anger. This anger and rage I have been wrestling with, daily. Feeling so misunderstood all of my life. The deep contempt I felt, feeling ostracized, unheard, unseen. I feel the rage boiling now, in shame I would stop it the best I could. Now, I feel it when I come nearer to the flame of truth. The deepest resonation I have felt. This, is the role I have played here. 

Dr. Ramani is a paradigm shifter. She is bringing the terms and models forward for so many of us to feel validated. I feel validated for the first time in my life that I am not crazy. It's not fucking me and I have always known it and this is the lifelong battle I have been waging. I am the truth teller. I have been the scapegoat. I have been so intensely shamed and guilted for telling the truth. What I have been calling "Dead to the world" is going no contact, except on my complete terms. I have been doing the things to work up to this, and now, here I am. The climax, the choice, the decision. 

I can pull the switch, the trigger, the latch - I can shut the door. I can completely choose how I want to experience my current existence. Dead to the world, as I once knew it. If I want to fall into the digital waterfall, it feels like the time is now.