Resilience

 I am not having nightmares, more of revelations during dream time. Resilience is acquired through self preservation. Unfortunately my self preservation was built through neglect. Reflecting on my anger that has just bubbled up and boiled over, it has been my intense disgust for what I have tolerated. What I said I would no longer tolerate and people pushing me to do what I know isn't healthy for me. I had only been able to be manipulated for one reason, and now he is dead. Game over MoonPie!

It pisses me off to no end how much people have tried to convince me I had a "victim mentality" through their own selfish abuse. The truth is, I am fucking disgusted. I have been disregarded, disrespected and abused all my life. I have tolerated not through victimhood, but out of sincere love and my understanding. I can see. I can see right through people. It is a gift that has been my saving grace. I can see the truth. I also am very good at playing dumb. I have mastered that. Resilience through self preservation built from abuse and neglect. I owe no one a damn thing, but me.

My brother chose to leave. He was surrounded by demonic drug addicts and horribly abusive narcissists and saw no way out, just like my mother and other brother. The guilt and the shame with no way to voice it. Mine kept coming out sideways because working through the guilt and shame has been the heaviest work. One of the last things my brother said to me, "I loved that cabin you stayed when you came down last." This told me he heard me when I told him I wasn't coming back and he needed to make sure he had made arrangements for his body. He told me, "I know everyone is worried about what to do with this shell." Only the people around him using his shell as a shield were worried, we had an understanding. And now they know it. 

One of the other things my brother let slip about a year or two ago was "Everybody keeps telling me I have a rich sister who doesn't help." That was the most telling sentence of who was surrounding him. Not that I didn't know that already, but also that the fuckers were watching me. He asked me what the project I was working was. Our freedom from abuse. It was just assumed that I would run down there and take care of everything like I always did. I would not betray myself again. I will not. I will be changing my phone number and focusing on me now. I still have a great deal of anger to resolve, wounds to tend to, and freedom to enjoy. 

My mother died with no legs, unable to run. Both my brothers were unable to get out of bed, having to take the abuse of those around them. I don't want that to be my destiny. I am literally the last one standing in my family unit, and while I have the ability, I am now walking away.