Playing Nice
Anger boiled over yesterday internally when I realized I had completely gaslit myself into believing "I am fine, try harder." That isn't the case. All bets are off now and as soon as I get my energy up, the boxing gloves are being laced up. Why the hell have I been listening to anyone? After numerous requests of blood tests and basically saying "I need something to check my vitamin levels" an order was put in. I finally had the angry energy to go in and get the work done and the results pissed me off.
My vitamin D levels are in a major deficit and my iron levels are right behind. I have been so exhausted and convinced myself it was all in my head. I have pushed my body believing I was weak and should just try harder. Now I am taking D supplements and working on getting all this fixed. I have learned to absolutely not listen to anyone outside of myself. I know how I feel, I have lived in this body for five decades, not them and they don't even care. Why am I listening to people who genuinely don't give one shit? Again, I naively believed people in the medical profession cared. And everyone wonders why we have such distrust with every service around us. Then we are gaslit to believe we are paranoid. Look at our government. Trust is broken beyond repair.
What I have witnessed with medical professionals is a major hypocrisy. I have heard them say "Just because you look up something on the internet doesn't mean you have a degree." Then turn around and tell people, "Just look it up on the internet and figure out what to do." How about you people get your shit together. A patient wanting to heal is not the enemy. Neglect to continue to receive money. Just sit in a position claiming to help, while doing everything but. This brought me deeper into my anger yesterday. Yea I am angry, I am still dealing with the same bullshit I grew up with that I am trying to "get over." Fuckers.
My doctor or his nurse seemed butthurt that I was asking for more tests. I had to lay out all my procedures to explain what I needed tested for. Weird, since I thought they had all my medical history right in front of them. Every single medical professional I have incurred I have told them "I have a gastric bypass." What they hear, "wah wah wah, blabbity booba" apparently. Then my stupid ass actually thought they knew shit from shit. Yea, I am angry. I CAN'T FIX WHAT I DON'T KNOW IS THE REAL PROBLEM. So I am pushing myself to exercise, eat less, struggle more, on completely depleted energy. I can only do my part as well as I am informed what is going on within me. Poor white trash doesn't deserve help afterall, bottom feeders, let's kill them off. Then we can go on with our porn additions, giving meds that aren't needed to gain more money to go play. If I am wrong, that would be fucking awesome. I would absolutely LOVE to have misread all this. My mindset now, I haven't. Same old neglectful shit. I'm tired of playing nice. I am too exhausted to play nice and placate feelings.
This anger is no longer going to be internal. I won't carry the exhaustion on the inside. I won't put up with the bullshit any longer. I won't put up with the disrespect. I have been pushed too far in accepting too much that I never should have in the first place. I've got to find a doctor who will listen to me. I shouldn't have to point out all the reasons I need my bloodwork tested. Can the focus move past "you're fat, that is all your problems." I honestly can't wait to scream this weekend at people. I feel like the world is probably 70% narcissistic empty vessel demons giving hell to the few who actually have thoughts and feelings. I won't let this outward anger subside. Playing nice isn't in my wheelhouse any longer. Wiping everyone's tears and asses and holding their hand while they deplete me isn't an option anymore.
The anger is not resolving because I am encountering it on a daily basis. I am playing nice to get along, to my detriment. I don't want to appear difficult because I have been called that my entire life. I am not difficult, I have just been dealing with people who have needed me to be submissive for their unhealed agendas. Fuckers.