Dreams

 I have been awake since 3am. I wouldn't normally stress about this, but I have a very long day ahead of me. I work tonight and have a dreaded doctor's appointment today. I woke from a dream, nightmare really, where I was screaming for someone to listen to me. I kept saying, "Fuck your protocol, I need to speak with Mahvash now." I have no idea why I was screaming for Mahvash. Although now, I think Mahvash and Charla are the same type of motherly energy I was crying for. 

In my dream I had gotten an opportunity in some fashion house. I left a job I loved because the new opportunity was supposed to be a big deal. I was struggling with fear and insecurity but moved forward. Once in this "Fashion House" all the people were so bitchy and catty it made me sick. I was in the bathroom, gripping my stomach. It was a place full of "mean girls." I was not comfortable with the sabotage and gossiping around me. I watched in my dream a woman rip apart seams of a garment so it would fall apart in a show. These horrible women reminded me of a mixture between the bitchy little teenagers that come through the haunt and the horrible clientele I use to work in salons with. 

The absolute most disturbing thing to me in my dream was the stoic nature of their horrid behavior. They were very aware and derived great enjoyment out of making people miserable. In my dream, I was working on my own stoic responses and not playing the games or engaging. They let me know that they were aware, could care less and only bring in people to torment for pleasure. No amount of me not participating would make them let up. They took my phone and gave me some weird box. I have a suspicion this is the anxiety I am having over changing my phone number and having to update all my accounts. I was screaming for a phone book, what the hell was that? Without the phone I couldn't find numbers. So I physically left to make my way to find Mahvash. They followed me. The chaos ensued as I finally lost it and started screaming. That was what they wanted, I felt their pleasure. It disgusted me. 

I woke up with hella acid reflux, worried about my liver, kidneys and heart. The worry crept over me to keep calm when I go see my GP today, whom I feel never listens to me. It has been on the list to find a doctor I jive with, because we have never clicked. I just want to walk in, have them draw blood for my Vitamin D levels to see if what was prescribed to me is working, get a referral for a GI appointment and get real about the fact that something is going on that is causing me exhaustion, and it isn't depression.

I don't think I am depressed, I am pissed. I am working on resolving anger. Being abused, then denied, shut down, labeled crazy and ignored when I ask for help (after being repeatedly told, just ask for help) has infuriated me. That is what I feel my dream represented, all those bitches, that is the majority of how people have been around me. I shut it down only to be accused of being a narcissist or crazy. It has been infuriating to witness the hypocrisy. And now I am just so over the dumb shit. I have felt like I have been in a cage with these fuckers poking at me with sticks, laughing, tormenting me. Now that I am out, I just want them to fuck off. They want to continue the fight. My dream really brought my disdain for people to the surface again. I think that is why I was screaming for someone good to see this shit. 

I printed out a body silhouette yesterday and labeled everything on it I need to work on or what I am doing about it. I need talking points and need to only ask and answer very directly. I have trusted doctors, therapists and people in positions of authority that I shouldn't have. I was naive to think these horrible people were just from the ghetto and were hustling. This personality type is across the board prevalent in the medical system, the political system, the educational system, pretty much every system. The disillusionment has been hard to overcome and has contributed to my anger. I have felt surrounded by all these catty cunts from my nightmares. I have worked hard on building my place of peace and disconnecting that access line has been difficult, but worth it. 

So, what's the plan Stan? Keep moving forward, protecting my peace and putting my health first. My wellness is priority now and I need to stay focused on that. I fall down when exhaustion takes over and then I get prodded with sticks again. The anger cycle picks up and I am trying to maintain again. I honestly know what needs to be done and  have for a long while. I had lost the fight in me from being worn down from constant distress, constant shame and guilt. I want to shake it off. I want to get clear and work on getting healthy. I am pissed that I have been saying I feel very weak and it has just been labeled depression because I am "mentally unstable" according to the other insane people. Baffling. I can't draw my own blood and run the tests. I don't think I should have to fight with a doctor to get more tests done. Or, explain why, once again, I think different actions should be taken. We either get on the same page, or I'm ripping the page out and burning it.