Defragging Systems

 There were so many times I created a way out, only to allow myself to be pulled back in. Time after time I revealed the truth only to be punished for it. I went against them all when I released my child for adoption. I was free. I remember the smell of melting snow in the air. Daffodils starting to bloom under the clear blue skies. I was free, until I walked back into the prison cell. Time after time I betrayed myself after freeing myself. I was functioning out of shame and guilt. Self doubt mingled with outward words of manipulation. How could I be so selfish? Deeply embedded in all that toxicity was this anger and rage. This monster within I was desperately trying to control. It was the last I wanted to do, but I screamed and raged over the phone. But it was a long time coming. 

The reason I want to live now, is because I see that I can. I can absolutely walk away, on my terms. No one capable of guilting or shaming me. I've become an observant student of this behavior and the patterns. I reflected this morning on all the times I had made up my mind and was determined to do something, but then veered off course. The question I carried for decades, "Why didn't she leave?" had been answered for me. Guilt, shame and manipulation. Deterioration of self esteem, self doubt and illness. All of this led to physical illness.

I have a row of my mother's health books. I actually tend to trust them a bit more because when they were published, there wasn't an internet with agenda. I saw my mother and grandmother struggle with smoking. I never smoked, but I have asthma. Interestingly enough, I can get the air in, it is getting it out that is the problem. Letting go of it all to be replenished. Allowing myself to breathe. Inhale, exhale, repeat. I have been washed over in a wave of understanding. I don't want to turn away from this growth, nor do I want to muster to strength to navigate choppy waters, when I don't have to. I've doubted myself because of what I came from, instead of congratulating myself on what I overcame.

If I remove all that exists around me, who am I? Have I truly revealed myself to me? I have some inner exploration to do. What defines me? What makes me? It is time for to ground, refuel and recalibrate this mission. I must muster up the courage to hold strong and keep the ship door closed to outside forces that don't align with my mission. I need to clean the cache and power down to clear out lingering memory suckers and viruses. I need to defrag.