ALERT!

 I found myself screaming obscenities over the phone yesterday to Pops. I deeply regret that all the anger came vomiting out of my mouth, all into the air. Sending vibrating currents of anger. I had gotten hooked again. I unwittingly drew myself back in, grappling with my boundaries. The security alarms were going off, and then I gave the demons what they wanted. Pure hatred and anger. 

The task should be simple, cremate Johnny, make a plan to scatter the ashes in the spring. That is all I can do right now. I invited anyone to step forward and take over, but I can't do more than this. I can't even do this, and now, I got baited and snapped hard on the hook. Then I felt yanked out of my element, wrestling for air and trying to get off the hook. Nope. 

I lost my voice interestingly enough yesterday. I screamed for hours straight at the haunt, didn't loose my voice. I allow anger to completely take control and my body tried to shut it down. I don't even know at this point if that is good or bad. I had to start asking myself the basic questions to get grounded. This isn't an emergency drill, this is ALERT! RED ALERT!!! 

I have no want to return to Hot Springs for any reason, my sincerest apologies to all that offends. I liken Hot Springs to be the Gates of Hell. Demonic forces lurking at the gate, luring the sick in and working hard to snuff out any light they see. Few are the Angels patrolling, but they are strong ones. And occasionally a light will try hard to break free. Demons will scream at the light to keep shining, while trying to secretly extinguish the flame. The flame flickers and flickers, struggles to keep burning. Out of no where a cold breath blows hard against the flame. For a moment, the flicker in the darkness felt like an eternity. A complete void of never ending darkness. Then came the flash of a flickering flame, licking back at the dark. Pulling from the darkness the oxygen it needed to regain strength. 

RED ALERT! Now are the learning moments. I lost it yesterday, and felt shame, then shamed myself for feeling shame. Mental and emotional hurdles ahead of me, no, I gotta stop for breath. My side is hurting, I have sweat and tears in my eyes, and I just want to sit out on the bench now. I'm cool watching the game play out from here. Does that mean I left the game? Playing yes, I'm too old for that now. I want to master something. I see the gates of hell and I don't want to engage. I free myself from suffering. 

Here I am again, in the NOW space. I  have to take inventory of my ship, lock it down, power down and attend to my wounds. I see the messages lighting up on screens. I am turning on cloak mode.