Self Space
I'm out of sorts. I'm feeling frustrated and disappointed. I've been countering the feelings with decorating for the fall and Halloween season. The internal dialogue has picked up and I'm trying to not listen while over analyzing at the same time. Injury and resentment has been creeping up. Did I give my power away? The inner dialogue can be so loud sometimes, that I don't remember what was said, or what I concocted. Why are you protecting these people? Did I hear that? Obviously somewhere, because the question moved to the forefront of my inner space. The question has become, "Why am I not protecting me?"
Working through guilt and shame is part of the healing marathon. I've been training for the healing olympics apparently. I just gotta make sure I have given you enough chances to really fuck me over, insult me, throw me under the bus and backstab me before I really walk away. Why? I have wanted to believe there is good. I strive to bring good into my moments throughout the day. The resentment bloomed like yeast in warm water, because I didn't defend myself in the moment. I asked the question this morning to my boyfriend, "Am I naive?" His answer was a sympathetic "Yes, boobie, I'm sorry, but you are." I know I have put myself in bad situations in the past and I don't want to do that again. Spending these last few years moving in the direction of healing, I've started to question my compass.
The truth is, it is hard to let go of relationships, even if they are not healthy. However, I was told last week that "Even my therapist said you can just walk away without feeling." That is true, but the truer version is, I often stayed too long in the first place. Why have I been doing this? Am I protecting some of these people? Absolutely, I have been the shield taking all the arrows during battles that were not mine. And when I felt most exhausted, I have truly felt some of those around me just stood there watching me suffering, telling me to get up and move on. I was too weak, sensitive, ...
It actually took someone saying to me "Yea, but watching you will be entertaining." Context? Fighting someone else's battle, while exhausting my supplies will be entertainment to someone. My battle worn armor. The desolate battle field, defending a castle that isn't mine. Then it got interesting in my head as I opened my eyes in this battle. The person I am defending is actually on the outside of the castle, trying to penetrate a stronghold. This wasn't about protecting the weak, or defending grounds. This was an assault that I was expected to take. Why? Because I had taken so many assaults previously and am fine. The revelations from all this has left me staggering. I'm not dragon fodder.
I thought I loved myself. It is evident now, that I have not been loving myself enough. I am not protecting myself by engaging with war when I do want peace. Are my actions reflecting that? I say I don't believe in suffering, but what have been doing and for whom? I feel manipulated and yes, I see now I have been naive. I have been hoping and holding out. When I was met with blame and blatant abuse, I was hurt. I was disappointed in many ways with people around me and with myself. I am the one allowing these people to have access me. And it is draining. It is not inspiring. I don't leave conversations or interactions feeling uplifted. I leave feeling depleted and injured. I question my exhaustion. It must be a vitamin deficiency. It must be this or that. I need to tend to my own castle, armor, and journey. I need to adjust my compass. I need some safe self space.