Oooh That Smell

 I have intensely created all week. I have baked, I have designed, I have sewed, I have listened to podcasts. I started battling with myself over the things that had to be done. I don't feel like it. I could rationally talk myself out of every chore. What really needed to be done? Nothing house rattling. What to do with this energy? Where to put my focus? What to engage in?

I have dress rehearsal tomorrow for the haunt season starting next week. I think maybe I could give myself a break and play some games. I thought about Diablo and how I am already bored with the new game. I think I might actually like 3 better. Maybe today is the day I begin to make that comparison. The thought of even finding the remote seemed overwhelming. No way can I lay in bed all day, that makes me feel so sick. Playing video games is the lowest level engagement I can tolerate when I feel this zapped. I'm not sure if these are creative burnout spells or estrogen levels. Or, both. I definitely do not have the energy I had, even a few months ago. 

This feeling creates internal conflict. I question if I am severely depressed and need to push myself to get out. Or am I burned out and need to make more space inside, and isolate? Tuning into the feeling deeper, it is a want to disengage, all the way around. Womb, cave, fort. I need some downtime comfort and the nagging of needing to do anything outside of that almost doesn't seem to be worth the effort. I can rationally talk myself out or into either scenario. Which one did I want? 

I want to sit and play video games. I justify this and will make good use of this time by replaying Diablo 3 so that I can begin a comparison. This seems like the most rational and comforting thing I can do for myself. Unplug, plug in and make some coffee. I was neck deep in slaying demons when I started smelling that smell again. I kept smelling it yesterday. I started questioning if there was a dead mouse or bird somewhere. I asked my boyfriend if he smelled anything, and he had not. But, I don't trust his senses. When the smell became too much, I reached into my desk drawer and pulled out some perfume and spritzed it into the air. I continued to try and play. I could hear the high pitch noise coming from the playstation. Between it, the smell and dying three times in a row because I couldn't focus, I had to break. 

Smelling things that others do not, isn't anything new to me. And I have witnessed my proofs far more than others, which has led to me to dismiss other's senses. My mind zoomed through a tunnel of being gaslit throughout my life, making me doubt myself, and loose all kinds of trust. I became so angry in the moment thinking about the times I had been dismissed. The hypocrisy of that I endured that caused so much mental suffering. Unfit people programming young brains. It disgusts me, just like this smell. Working my way through these emotions it became very clear how self doubt and trust issues riddle me. I question if I am being gaslit over a dead mouse in the corner just because the easy answer has always been, "No, it's just you." 

This isn't just developing discernment. This is about recognizing the programming of self distrust installed, along with a slew of viruses. My unfortunate childhood led into difficult adolescence that become a troubled adulthood. I have struggled and now am too tired to struggle needlessly. When the anger started creeping into my throat I tried to dismiss it, like everything. Think happy thoughts, it should go away! "It's all in my head" says the people who couldn't smell a rotting body 5 feet from them. So much of my feelings of dismissal are rooted here. It is like drilling down to a bad font file that has corrupted more than you thought possible. 

I laughed out loud looking out my back door at the rain. I dismiss a world that has dismissed me. My isolation is a complete freedom to move within my space. It has been a long journey just to arrive to this space. My heart aches from the treacherous journey. I allow myself to be tired. I allow myself to look for a dead mouse and play video games all afternoon. I allow myself this rest.