The Bottoming
About a week ago, I had the brilliant idea to start reducing all my meds. After completely bottoming out, I started returning to the ones I could. What I observed: when I reduce my anti-depressant, I am affected. I actually did somewhat okay without the cannabis. I am still not on the ADHD med. I also stopped eating meat and eliminating various other items. I also had emotional meltdowns as Mike's birthday and our anniversary passed. My body completely reacted with exhaustion. This body.
Last week I confided in my boyfriend how much this body has actually been the bane of my existence. I came in spiritually attuned. I have had mental issues and delays. My short term memory is not great and I have a difficult time processing vocally. My body has taken the brunt of the existence here, contributing to other issues. I have been doing some changes with my diet. I need to get a handle on things. This is what led me to start decreasing meds, thinking they were causing the problems. It doesn't appear so. I'm the problem. The other thing I observed was that without the cannabis, I was less "connected."
It has always been most important to me that I feel connected, "In-Spirit." That is my magic space. I had really fallen away from it without the use of cannabis, and was more aware of the irritabilities. So much of my energy has been used in the past to maintain myself. My reaction has been difficult to get under control. I still struggle. Having things around me that made me more reactionary were things that I think caused my body more trauma than actually been beaten or raped. The sensory overload that I have been aware of.
I recognize I shut down my body connection when I was young. My emotional responses dictated so much of my behavior. I was frustrated that I kept stating issues, and I was repeatedly told, "That is all in your head, you are oversensitive." I was too sensitive to everything, lights and noise especially. Smells were very difficult for me too. I was reactionary to all this outward stimuli, and believed it was my fault, I could correct it. I am too much everything. Shutting down the body begins on that path also.
I have completely redone most of my apartment. I have been working on making it a serene place of respite. No loud noises, no bright lights, no intrusions. Doing this, along with the cannabis truly helped me realize how responsive I had been, especially in my body. Daily, hourly, every moment I remind myself, drop your shoulders, anchor yourself, be observant. This is definitely easier with the use of cannabis. All this left me disconnected for days.
Today, I am reconnecting with myself and my environment. I made a trip to the dispensary and am experimenting with a couple of different strains that are infusing now. I immediately ate a gummy when I arrived home from the dispensary and started a new batch of butter. After interrogating myself regarding if my actions were self sabotaging or my radical spiritual feelings were arising. It is probably everything and all above, which is fine. I will rectify and keep moving forward.