Body Expression
I was listening to a podcast yesterday about developing technology, specifically all over bodysuits that respond to your physical body. I fantasized about this all night, what would I do? I would explore more, without fear of outer conditions that are harmful. I thought about how you would control this suit with your thoughts and chemistry. Could I control a bodysuit if I can't even control the tension in my back? This awareness of my body constantly being on edge, never allowing my full weight to to ease. What was this? I have been exploring my body awareness and exactly this constant "tension" I am trying to release.
One of the things about the suit that was fascinating to me is that it feeds you and cleans you. It was like a biosphere from your body. How did they develop this technology? Apparently back engineering found crafts that were organic, containing beings. I thought about this a great deal. So, like a body housing a soul? Basically the premise of spiritual existence here. The body navigating in this experience has been difficult for me personally.
Allowing myself, my body to feel safe within space, allowing belief that I will be supported. Trauma has damaged my body and my brain is always aware of things that can harm it. Always aware of limitations and it being the safety suit for my soul. If my brain can't stop my shoulders from tensing up, how could I control a suit? And why would I need a suit for a suit? Because it is so dangerous here. The constant stimulation and fear my body has been in has been difficult to reprogram. Up until recently my entire experience here was dictated by fear. Afraid to allow the ground beneath me to even support me. I started to question what I would want to experience here, without fear.
What if our entire experience of what this "experience" could be has been highjacked completely by fear and by systems that were designed to keep us in this state. I started thinking about religions that are based completely in fear. Fear of punishment, fear of not being "good enough" or fear of dying. I think back on one of the dreams I had after my mother died. She showed me the limitations we applied to our existence. That had always been a point of conjecture for us. I couldn't get past the idea that if I walked out in front of a bus, I die. That isn't an illusion. If I throw myself in a river, I will likely drown. I felt like this reality was subject to universal laws. I wasn't thinking about my reality being an expression of who I was. Or, how my body and was an expression of my thinking.