Body Awareness

 Today, I reached out and made calls that I always dread, but turn out fine. Maybe it is the memories and associations I conjure prior. Yesterday, I wanted to be near the lake and out in wooded areas. I explored every emotion and memory. I had a major emotional release. I cried to the extreme of wondering, is this a need for more estrogen? I stopped trying to rationalize the tears and let them flow. I was truthful.

"I just feel like sorrow grabs my chest and rattles it like a cage." I can't tell to get in or out or even how more to describe it. "I'm constantly having to remind myself to stop hunching my shoulders up in anxiety" I demonstrated while trying to drive. My boyfriend was already car sick and my explosion of emotion wasn't helping. "Right here" grabbing the lump of fat on the base of my neck. Relax, and ground myself. My car beeps every time I go over the lines and actually pulls my car back into the lane, but my boyfriend's imaginary breaks are really faulty. 

Yesterday, we stood on a trail, somewhere. I got lost and didn't care, and my car sick boyfriend needed some air. We wandered around on the paths, curious. The groves of trees just pulling at my heart. I love sunlight flickering through trees. Most of my precious memories involve light, sparkling, reflecting. I needed to stand on the ground, look into the woods, watch the sunlight stream through bark and leaves. The animals bustling around, the cicadas, and the smell of hot pine. 

This area on my neck and my shoulders have been my gauge for engagement. Decades of this intense body engagement with my environment. It is tense, on guard and a habit. Relaxing my shoulders takes effort. Allowing for faith that my full weight can be supported. This fear to move around with ease that the floor might give way beneath me. It has been an interesting and evolving  awareness of my physical space. What did this mean for my perception of reality? 

I have spent decades trying to "meditate" not being aware of this habitual body response. I feel like I have been creeping through life, in battle mode. Tensing my muscles, fear of letting the full weight of my body absorb into the floor. Fear of giving into full support, of something I have, for the most part, appeared to believe solid. Did I have a fear that I have been infringing on gravity? I am not even in full command of my energy in this space.