Solitude

 It has taken a great deal on my part to find the root and start dissolving this anger I have carried with me. It has been about control and me seeking freedom to experience here. So much archaeological and geological evidence is surfacing right now to date our civilization to be much older. It is absolutely laughable to me that anyone here thinks they have some sort of truth or knowledge of everything. We are very ignorant. It isn't that we just have amnesia, it is that we have been hijacked of our history. This has been something I have innately been aware of since I started school. My resistance towards this indoctrination. 

When I was young, I wanted to leave and join some sort of sanctuary away from the world I was surrounded by. I was told repeatedly that "being a monk in some sort of monastery wouldn't serve my development. I feel this was wrong. I had felt the need to isolate from a young age. The world was reflecting ideals to me that I didn't agree with from a young age. It wasn't until I was old enough to actually "run away" that I was able to start working towards that freedom. Once I began to gain it, I couldn't defend it. I didn't know how. 

The societal push for women to constantly be doing for everyone but themselves has been a huge mind fuck to overcome. I didn't get any freedom because I had a vagina. I deserved to be abused and women are evil. Women caused the fall, tempted Adam, the world is 6,000 years old and the devil buried dinosaurs. But, I am the crazy one. I could have done without all this abuse and jump started my consciousness as a child. Opposed abuse did not make me stronger. I was resilient because of who I am inside. I was in tune as a child. Clubs to the head by the other 80 monkeys wasn't needed for my awareness. This has created unneeded suffering I feel. 

As a child, I dreamt of a place where all the children were safe and loved and in an environment that was healthy and promoted growth. I saw anything but that growing up. I later developed opinions that people should not be having children and freely allowed to abuse them. Then I realized the system created this. It has been fostering it. I have always been disgusted by what I saw in society, but was made to feel like the one who "didn't get it." This did cause a tremendous amount of resentment and anger. I was recently doing some research that led me back to Tesla. The irony of the timing is actually synchronicity. The article written about him stated he was a firm believer in crystals, and solitude. I had more of the resentment bubble up. I'm sure Tesla would have lost his mind at the constant phone ringing, texting, emails, chats, DMs flooding in hourly. 

Every one wants your time because it is your energy. When you don't have control over your time, you don't have control over your energy. We are energy bodies here.  The cruel taunts, dismissals and denial of myself definitely created areas of trauma that I seriously could have done without spending so much fucking time resolving. It wasn't until this year, after being guilted by another family member that I said, "You know, no one has ever fucking come running to save me. Why am I expected to for anyone else, especially people where were never there for me, abuse me and discarded me?" My phone has since stopped ringing. When you close the energy store, energy vampires go seek another source. They truly only cared to drain your life force. I am so sickened by this now, that is is extremely hard for me to even correspond without question what the agenda is. 

I can't seem to find enough time in the day to fill all my happy solitude. I have the world at my fingertips to explore. No, people haven't been getting it. I don't need them to now. I have been working on complete control over my experience here. That includes making time for the things I love doing, the things I feel connected with and enhance my being. Having this has been able to help me gauge the negative impacts on my energy and where exactly they were coming from. That came from solitude, not extending my energy out to every vampire trying to deplete my life force, to feed theirs. We have been brainwashed into this energy depletion.